How to be AF on girls boozy wknd away

[sunsetandcocktails]

Hi all, I’m hoping you had some advice. I’ve been AF for a couple of months now and feel so much better for it.
I’ve kept it quite low key and haven’t made a big announcement.
Every year, me and four friends go to Portugal for a long weekend. It’s always very centred around alcohol, and basically involves drinking all day next to the pool, long boozy lunches, big nights out.
Up until now I’ve often been the one who’s been well up for all this and would be ordering the next bottle of rose.
My question to you is:
How do I do our next weekend away in May AF? I think my friends will find it difficult in a way and will be baffled about my change. They are likely to feel I’m putting a dampener in their time.
They will definitely try and make me have ‘just the one’ and I CANNOT do moderation so must be strong and refuse.
Do I tell my friends in advance of going so that they’re not surprised once we’re there?
what can I drink instead? Can’t face hours of sitting in bars swigging coke.
I’m worried I’m going to be boring and they do not like sober me.
Anyone navigated similar situations? How did it go for you? Any advice?

Mocktails?

You’re on antibiotics for a water infection

I don't hlthink I'd go to be honest. That much drinking sounds horrendous to me, like being on a hen do. I prefer to go and find nice food, do sightseeing and outdoorsy stuff. If I went with friends maybe some shopping and spa things but certainly not a whole weekend getting wasted. Maybe you have outgrown these friends?

Definitely tell them in advance. Be prepared with firm statements once they get drunk and try to encourage you to drink. Also be prepared to leave bars and clubs early: I can’t make it past about 10pm when I’m out with some drinkers. Earlier if they’ve been day drinking. I make a point of being bright and chipper about leaving so I don’t seem miserable, which it’s why it’s important to leave before you DO get miserable.

I quite like a non alcoholic beer, or noseccco. I also like tonic water. Can’t drink fizzy drinks all night.

I’ll be honest though, I’ve had to stop socialising in pubs and bars with certain friends because they get really drunk and then become awful company (slurring, falling over, argumentative) or can’t accept that I won’t drink. I tend to only do dinners or day stuff with them now. Other friends are fine, I can stay out all night with them if they’ve are drinking and it’s not a problem.

I think I would pull out. If the weekend has always been a big drinking session than you will be changing the vibe. I am not saying that you need alcohol to have a good time but this seems to be the way they let their hair down. Perhaps chat to them beforehand, you never know they may be looking to change things up.

Congratulations on going alcohol free and I’m glad to hear you are feeling so good.

Are you an alcoholic? Sorry to be blunt, but like you, I cannot do moderation either. There was no way I could have attended a weekend away like this in early sobriety. It’s just unrealistic to think that you won’t drink. Sorry, I know that’s likely not what you want to hear. You might be able to cope with weekends away like this later on down the line, but you probably just won’t want to any more.

I don’t know how problematic your drinking is (i.e. if are there consequences to your drinking) If there are, I just wouldn’t go. If there aren’t, and you still want to go, I’d accept my fate and just have one last hurrah. If you don’t want to go, you really don’t have to you know ❤️

I would talk to them about it before you go. If you explain to friends that you have made a lifestyle change that has made you feel much happier and healthier, that you don’t want them to change what they do, but that you will be doing things differently… then I would hope that as your friends they will respect that.

Unfortunately, they are likely to feel challenged by the fact you don’t drink because it tends to hold a mirror up to their drinking (and very few people are actually happy with the amount they drink). But giving them advance warning before they’re in “party” mode is probably fairer all round.

As to what you drink - depending on where you go, there may be AF alternatives, but the beers etc tend to be a bit gassy and mocktails can be a bit sweet . Something like iced tea might be an idea?

You have made a brilliant change to your life, so I hope you manage to find a way to make it work. And sober holidays are amazing- you will have so much more time to enjoy the sunshine!

If the friends will treat you and any others on the trip not drinking alcohol well and you are confident remaining AF around that much alcohol, would tell them in advance.

If friends will be a pain and/or you’re not confident would pull out of the trip.

People don’t like it when you stop drinking because it holds a mirror up to them about their own habits.

Most of the group are probably thinking that their own drinking/inability to moderate/drunken behaviour is an issue but it’s free rein on weekends like these.

I’m not sober despite my own problematic drinking but I am working on it!

Congrats for doing so well and stopping.

You have a few options and only you really know how to approach it given your own relationship with alcohol.
A) You go and lie and say that you’re on antibiotics or some other illness and don’t drink.
B) You tell them in advance, with the potential for all the nagging and bargaining beforehand.
C) You don’t go.
D) You go, order mocktails, don’t make it an issue and have a good time regardless.

Only you know in yourself if you’re able to go and not drink.

I'd probably go but I'd go off and do my own thing - swimming, sight-seeing, reading - when they get stuck into drinking. Being with drunken people can be tedious when you're sober. I'd tell them in advance you won't be drinking but, tbh, I think it might not be much fun for you. (I'm definitely NOT saying that you should drink!)

No way would I be going OP, being around drinkers when you're sober for a whole weekend will be awful

Im a bit like you I have no moderation switch but I can be alchohol free easily so haven’t drunk in ages. Being around a drunken crowd isn’t fun, slurred words and raucous laughter only really works if you are equally inebriated. I’d pull out tbh or give a heads up that you are trying af lots of no people are going af now. I am mid forties and a symptom of peri is a lack of alchohol tolerance / no ability to deal with hangover.

I think my friends will find it difficult in a way and will be baffled about my change.

Have you not seen any of them in the months since you've given up drinking?

Have you already booked and paid for the holiday?

First of all, you need to be honest with your friends and tell them you don't drink alcohol. Then, you just have a good time, stick to your guns and enjoy lots of delicious mocktails.

I gave up alcohol 2 years ago. Most of my contact with my friends was alcohol related, lots of drinking a bit like your holidays. I messaged them and they all said ‘ok’ and that was that. When we go out I don’t drink and they do. There is 0 pressure and I still enjoy being out and catching up and chatting and dancing.

if you think your friends are not going to be supportive I wouldn’t go. True friends would support you.

If you’re alcoholic I’d be very concerned that this is too soon and you WILL drink and it WILL get very very messy.

If you really can’t see why you shouldn’t go then:

-tell them in advance and why, ask them not to make a fuss
-enjoy meals out but have a clear plan how to leave early as pp said in a cheerful and positive way and be very very confident - don’t waft around, get up, say goodbye wish them a good night then leave
-I don’t drink anything really! It’s fine to just not have a drink unless you’re thirsty - then tonic / fancy lemonades / soda water are usually my choice
-understand you might see less of your friends on this holiday but reframe it as a relaxing recharging break for you with some meals out with your friends

If they will ask lots of questions / make comments and will continue doing so if you make clear that you don’t want to say more about it, I wouldn’t go.

Thanks for all these helpful comments.

I hadn’t considered not going…but perhaps should. We’ve paid for everything, and this is the 18th year we’ve all been away together, it’s an annual trip and we save up all year.
It would be a big statement not to go, and could fracture our friendships to some degree I think.
We live all over the UK so don’t meet in person often, but message on WhatsApp throughout every day.

I think speaking to them in advance is the way to go. And I can gauge from their reaction whether they want a ‘Debbie downer’ there- as that’s how they’d see me, certainly initially, but hopefully would get past it. These women are important to me and we’ve been through SO much together over the years. But, I’m making a life change and it would be amazing if they support me in that.

As being an alcoholic, I’m not sure. I’m definitely a binge drinker- lots of wine on a night out. Don’t drink at home as such, but definitely over do it when socialising. And my whole social life revolves around drinking.

Absolutely tell them in advance.

I wouldn’t worry too much about them finding you boring. Once they’ve had a drink or 5, they probably won’t remember. I seem to have the same conversation with the same friends every time we go out. “No, I really don’t drink. Yes, this is an AF beer.” I’ve been sober 2 years now. They just don’t even remember once they start drinking.

The big risk (beyond being tempted to drink) is that you will find them boring now that you don’t drink. I find people I used to enjoy spending time with a lot more tedious than before when I was drinking. It turns out they’re boisterous and they love a prosecco at 11am, but actually there’s not much to them. They are pretty dull. They don’t really want to go do anything interesting. And unless they’re 2 glasses of wine in, they actually are hard work to carry a conversation with. I’ve discovered that I spent a lot of time drinking to make other people and situations feel more interesting than they were.

You may find you don’t want to stay out til 3am. You may just need to bring yourself home. You might try suggesting activities that don’t involve drinking all day. Or get up in the morning and go take yourself to do something while everyone is still in bed.

One thing I’ve found being sober, is that people actually will opt to not drink sometimes or to have AF drinks when they might otherwise drink or say, actually yes, I’ll come back early with you because I want to get up and see the sunrise too. They just sometimes need someone else to suggest it or do it first because they don’t want anyone to judge them for having a day off or wanting to go to the spa instead of bottomless brunch. You just have to be brave enough to go first.

Well done in your decision to go AF. I’d definitely tell them beforehand, or say you’re on medication that means you can’t drink. If they moan, you can always ask why they want you do something against what you’ve chosen for yourself.
I can recommend Three Spirits. They’re botanical drinks that you can use to pep you up. There’s one that makes you sociable, one that’s a livener and one that makes you sleepy. They really are quite good. Will make you feel in a party mood without being drunk.

Just let loose for a weekend

Good luck with your conversation with them. I hope that if you’ve been through a lot with them they will respect your choices.

Just one practical point if you go - make sure you have an exit plan if you go out on a night. You will probably be ready to go home before them - that’s not because you’re boring, just because your adrenaline and cortisol levels aren’t being artificially spiked. So plan how you want to get back to where you’re staying so you can leave when you’re ready to

Do you have one close friend who can run interference if it gets too much?

The update changes things. I have a similar friendship group, we go away every year and have for a couple of decades. We drink 😅

I’d be gutted if any of them pulled out just because they thought I’d want to pressure them into boozing. Definitely go but tell them beforehand that you’ve gone sober

Just be honest with them but say you still intend to let your hair down! Look forward to all those non hangover days while they're reaching fir the hair of the dog! I tend to drink lime & soda or tonic water with ice