The dysfunction stops now

[Jebbi]

Hi all, long-time lurker and have decided to drum up the courage to post.

I have struggled with alcohol since I was in my early teens. I grew up with parents who used it to self-medicate. I followed suit, and have developed a relationship with alcohol that is difficult.

I have tried to stop before (Sober October and Dry January) but it was a struggle. I have always been defensive about it. It occupies a lot of my energy and head space. I am unable to moderate, and once again I have returned home from a night out with blanks in my memory. I'm really frightened about this, and want the cycle of self-sabotage to stop.

My boyfriend has mentioned I drink too much and says he can take it or leave it. I have had anxiety issues for a long time and have used alcohol as a comfort/confidence booster/friend over too many years.

I am hoping I can use this thread to hold myself accountable, and wonder if you lovely people will be able to support me please? I am worried about slipping back.

Thank you

I started drinking at 15 and have struggled with it since.
not a daily thing usually, more binge drinking and craving it. it got too much when I was fighting to go and buy alcohol before work.

its a hard battle but there is support out there and here. I believe in you OP

The best thing I did was get an addiction therapist, this was to help me w my drug addiction rather than alcohol but a lot of it was interchangeable. it gave me a safe space to discuss things. I wouldn't have been able to deal w group therapy.

The other thing I did was stay sober. any nights out I just dont drink. I dont drink when at social gatherings. I dont drink at home.
I might have one if im out and I feel ok mentally.
to completely cut it out was hard. but its worked a lot better than trying to control myself after having one or two.

Thank you for your message and for saying you believe in me 🥹 I identify with the binge drinking element of it in particular. It's always on my mind, the mental gymnastics of how much/when/do I seem drunk?/when should I stop? is incessant.

I was offered my first drink by my parents at about 14 ("be careful, that's stronger than you'd get in a pub"). I am not sure why they thought it was acceptable to do that (they were mostly great parents). They had their own issues and so their attitude was skewed anyway.

The feeling I had from it was incredible, I remember the rush and the relief. From then on I found any excuse and because life was hard at that point I used it to manage difficult feelings. I have done that since.

I can really recommend How Do You Cope podcast edition on BBC Sounds where John Robins talks to his friend and fellow comedian Elis James about his alcohol addiction - soooo interesting about the constant presence of thoughts about drinking. Series 4, 6 June 2023

Good luck OP!

I definitely miss alcohol. I can relate to the rush and relief. feeling so good, until I was on the bathroom floor and could barely remember the evening.

I was offered alcohol at a similar age. but nothing strong. a cider while supervised which I actually hated the taste of.
but I quickly progressed to vodka and drinking in school which continued into college

therapy helped with understanding about managing difficult feelings
(I have severe MH issues alongside addiction issues so have been in therapy a reasonable amount of time and will probably be for a considerable amount of time)
it turns out I have an incredibly small 'window of tolerance' so my emotions go from 0-100 very quickly and easily making the need to numb it a lot more than the 'average' person.

Thank you, I've just given it a listen. His explanation of how it controls his thoughts really resonates with me.

I'm glad it resonated, I found it so helpful to hear it described like that. The other thing I found helpful was One Year No Beer, they really hold your hand through the challenges

im currently mentally preparing for my first sober christmas in years.
im not allowing myself to even start down the slope again this year.
staying sober for NYE as well.
hope youre doing okay OP

Hello,

Thank you, I hope you are too 🙂 I found myself thinking, "well, I could have a bit of wine on Christmas Day and NYE", but that's where it starts. I know if I do, I will think about it non-stop, over-analyse my behaviour and wonder when I can get another glass without seeing tipsy.

I hope I won't talk myself out of it, rationalising that it is OK and that "I'm not that bad" (which I have done for years). We will do this