Alcoholic mother... is she lying?

[Strawbsss]

My mum has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember - I'm 32 and remember her heavy drinking from the age of 7/8.

She has been to rehab twice, back drinking within 3 weeks both times and hospitalised in ICU with seriously low potassium.

She goes through stints of claiming she's not touched alcohol for 10 days etc, I praise her but deep down I know she'll be drinking within the week again.

Part of me doesn't believe she isn't drinking because the level of withdrawal she has experienced previously has been to the point where she was hallucinating and hearing things. She didn't get out of bed for days.

She's a compulsive liar and made mine and my siblings lives he'll growing up. My siblings can't really stand her now and avoid her but I feel like I need to try and stand by her even though I can't help but dislike her.

One of the lies she tells plays on my mind all the time, she says every blood test she's ever had has shown her liver etc are all fine, no problems.

Is this really possible when at the very least, I know she drinks a 70cl of vodka per day, a lot of time more?

I did a short stint on a placement in a detox ward at my local hospital and the states I saw patients in there haunts me forever... I guess I'm wondering at what stage do I start preparing for her to have cirrhosis of the liver, ascites etc?

I think she's done at least a bottle of vodka per day AT LEAST for the last 20 years.

Sorry for the random post, I was just so traumatised by the people I cared for that I'm just sat here hoping she'll never get in that state... but maybe I'm just being naive x

I think it's very unlikely her liver function tests are normal, but it is the case that the tests can be normal in many stages of liver disease, per NHS.uk https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-related-liver-disease-arld/diagnosis/

Unfortunately I think you may have to deal with the uncertainty. The next stage could be soon or not - you won't get the truth about what the doctors are telling her.

Are you getting help to deal with being a family member of an alcoholic? I would really urge you to focus your energy there, where you have some control. Are you in touch with an organisation like Al Anon https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ or AdFam? https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Hello lovely, I don't really know what to say but I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this, my mother is exactly the same, she drinks cider instead though but she's so in denial she thinks she's doing no wrong, sometimes I do feel like cutting ties with her but she is my mother at the end of the day so I feel like I have an obligation to stick around, even when she's abusive when she's drunk, I just wanna give you a hug and tell you to keep strong and remember I know you love your mum, but you've gotta prioritise your own sanity at the same time, as hard as it can be sometimes x

I'm so sorry you are also experiencing similar.

Some days I feel awful because I wish she would just disappear. The grief and chaos she brings to my life just can't be put into words but I feel like I 'have' to just stick around, especially as no one else has.

I just feel like I'm on pins waiting for her next drama or outburst.

I have this constant feeling I'm going to be woken in the early hours, phone ringing and it's someone telling me they've found her dead or something.

I just don't know why she would say she's healthy if she isn't, surely that would be enough of a wake up call to stop?

It's all just so confusing and I want to shake her. Xx

Thank you so much for this.
I've been browsing the posts in this section of the forum and seen a lot of recommendations for Al-Anon, I'm definitely going to have a look now. X

You don’t have to stand by her, you don’t sound like you like her at all, she’s not been the mother you needed and never will be, it’s bloody horrendous you just want a normal mum like other people seem to have. No walking on egg shells wondering when she’s going in for the attack etc or saying something and having it twisted and thrown back in my face, and no no she’s not drinking it’s just water.,.in a bloody wine glass of course it is mother!! Imagine lying to your own kids but heyho her little minion backs her up now too he has likely been on the drink too.

my mums drink issues have severed the relationship, and she’s not done half of what yours has I just couldn’t take the awful abusive messages, the judgment, slurring at 2pm in the afternoon, judging my son for something that happened that she should’ve supported him with, calling us liars. She compares drinking with my sister and I being overweight and eating too much, perhaps there is some truth in that, however it hasn’t turned us into awful bitches like she is. Her husband I think is dependent we can’t go there without being offered wine or beer, we decline I don’t drink anymore. But I’m done, Im having a tough time with my own sons, a time where parental support would’ve been welcomed, however it’s not offered or even contemplated she just thinks of herself. So I feel it’s better to leave her to it tbh. She thinks it’s me who is in the wrong constantly, so for my own peace I’m done with her, it’s hard because she’s my mum, I love her but I don’t like her at the moment. I’m exhausted, sad but I’m done. Sorry for those of you going through similar and worse, I hadn’t ever thought I wasn’t alone with this, she’s always made how I feel feel like it’s my fault

I'm so, so sorry.
I can wholeheartedly relate to you.
It's actually sad how many of us are in this situation. I rarely drink either. One or two glasses of wine with a meal at best.

I wish I was strong enough to walk away but I know she would continue to try and destroy my life with lies etc. It's easier to just smile and nod when pretend everything is fine 😩 x

Some days I feel awful because I wish she would just disappear. The grief and chaos she brings to my life just can't be put into words but I feel like I 'have' to just stick around, especially as no one else has.

I know this so well. I'm sorry. Grief is the right word. I am literally grieving my mother right now (she died three months ago) but the feeling is so familiar, because I was already there.

Wish I had something useful to say, but just wanted to add another voice to tell you you're not alone.

Addiction is an awful thing.
from my limited knowlege, the liver can keep on going for a surprisingly long time whilst abused. Then the end can be quite sudden.
my ex drank heavily (2+ bottles of wine a day plus often beers) for over 10 years (20 years total perhaps not quite as much as that in the first ten) and was remarkably normal in terms of health until the last 2 years.

Hi @Strawbsss I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict.

No, of course her liver is not fine if she truly has been drinking like that for many years. She lies to you about everything, she’s lying about this.

It’s ok to put space in between you and your Mother. You’re not responsible for her, you don’t need to praise her when she’s lying to you or about to let you down. Your Mothers been to rehab twice, which is quite the privilege, and she’s not putting the work in that needs to be done to stay sober.

You don’t have to do this, you can say no. This is not your responsibility and you sound like you’re at the end of your tether.

Thank you so much.
I wish you all the best with your recovery, I admire you for being able to help support others whilst you're working so hard at recovery yourself.

I remember her telling me about her last withdrawal symptoms when she stopped for a few days, how it terrified her yet she's back on the drink. I just feel like nothing will help her see now. I knew after she told me about those withdrawal symptoms her body mustn't be coping at all.

She did amazing at rehab the second time, looked great etc. The within 3 weeks she was back to it.

She claims she's 2 weeks sober now but I worry about the day she inevitably drinks again, isn't it incredibly dangerous to start drinking again after a withdrawal? Xx

I can't say anything except I'm sorry.
It's the most confusing feeling in the world. Thank you for getting in touch x

This is awful. I'm so sorry.
I feel like she's maybe convincing herself that she's fine as she doesn't have major symptoms that's I know of.

I feel her hallucinating visually and auditory is a huge sign her body goes into shock without it though x

That's exactly it. Utterly confusing. Although the word doesn't seem anywhere near powerful enough for the feeling.

She sounds a lot like my mum was. I'm a couple of years older than you. She began when I was eight. Rehab twice. Got away with good health for a very long time – until she didn't.

It's bloody horrible waiting for the next crisis or drama. The stress is immense – but you may not even be feeling it consciously. Because you're probably used to it. I know I was. After she died, I felt peace, as well as shock and grief. And we were able to understand more. It'll always be confusing to me, but it's not quite as difficult to understand now.

I just hope you can do whatever you can do look after yourself. You can step back a bit, you know.

In the months before my mum died, I had said a couple of times, in different ways, things along the lines of 'we love you but you need to take the support on offer'. Now that she's gone, those brief conversations are important to me. I know I couldn't get through to her, no one could. But I hold on to them, because they are my proof that I tried. Now, you don't need to send yourself crazy trying. It's not about that. Because it's futile. Just know that you have tried, for your own self-respect and sense of love.

Hi OP, like others I'm desperately sorry for what you're going through. I'm a recovering alcoholic of many (thankfully) years - I've been in AA throughout which doesn't work for everyone but definitely works for me.

Your mother's withdrawal sounds very much like mine used to be - very scary indeed and I was not even observing, just experiencing. I had hallucinations, both visual and auditory, incredibly detailed, followed by an inevitable seizure. I haven't come across that many alcoholics, even though I have heard hundreds of stories over the years, who had the same. Even George Best says in his autobiography that he didn't experience full on DTs (delirium tremens). If you've experienced this once, it's more likely that you will again if you start drinking.

As a PP said, your mother's liver will not be showing clear results with that amount of alcohol so yes, she is lying. Unfortunately lying and manipulation becomes second nature.

I know you know, but she is the only person who can do anything about this. To want this she needs the gift of desperation, of wanting sobriety more than she wants a drink.

Al Anon recommend detaching with love. You don't need to desert her if you feel you can't. But your life shouldn't be taken over by her poor choices.

I really understand what a dark place she is in - but she really is the only person who must want to get out.

@amlie8 - thank you so much. I really am going to contact AI Anon.

My sister says all the time "the day she dies, I'll feel peace for the first time".
I used to think this was horrifying but secretly I feel like I agree.
The constant egg shells and worrying about what's next ruins my own mental health xx

Wow. Thank you so much for your reply.
You're very brave for replying and giving your experience.

I'm so glad you've said about the withdrawals not being that severe in many people. It makes me realise she really is in a bad way, no matter what she says about her health.

Is it true that abstaining and then drinking again is truly dangerous? I know you'll likely have the most real answer.

Thank you again xx

Definitely get yourself to an alanon meeting, I go weekly, it's for you, it won't tell you how to make the alcoholic stop drinking, it's for you to look after you. In the words of alanon, "loving an alcoholic is too much for most of us"
If I could have loved my husband sober I would have I tried everything for years, AA helped him, alanon saved me. Good luck.

@Strawbsss no problem at all - please ask anything that might help. From my experience, having hallucinations isn't actually connected to how much you drink or even how far down the road to alcoholism you are. Pretty much all alcoholics are psychologically addicted but only a certain number (I once read 5%) are as physically addicted to the extent I was. That's why I quoted George Best - the quantity I was consuming on a daily basis, when I first stopped, was not really that severe - and in fact I didn't even associate that first episode with alcohol withdrawal at the time.

You can't tell whether you'll react that way or not, so I would never advise someone who drinks daily to stop suddenly. The ideal is either a detox, monitored, or to taper off gradually which is incredibly hard to do unless you have 24 hour support.

A seizure, which in my case followed hallucinations, can kill you. That's the danger. Aside from that - and that's not meant to sound flippant - a relapse would have the same effect on your mother or on me as any other alcoholic. A day's relapse - maybe two days - and she could stop ok. There's a point (which I have not tested and hopefully never will) where the brain expects its next dose of alcohol and clamours loudly if it's not forthcoming. One fellow I spoke to a few years ago (same as me - physically addicted) said that her last relapse was a week long, and the resulting withdrawal was what put her in hospital. She's been sober for many years.

I hope that's not too detailed. I'm very grateful that I found AA and sobriety as I have a daughter too. I also have sponsees who have children and my heart goes out to you.

Honestly, thank you so much. It really must be hard for you and I totally appreciate you giving advice.

I've just got this thought / vision forever in my head that my phone will ring whilst I'm asleep, 2,3am and it's her on/off husband telling me she's dead at the bottom of the stairs or something.

It's a constant worry of what she's going to do or say next. Will she end up having a seizure or choke on her own vomit etc.

It's such a grim thing to picture but I feel like it's inevitable it's going to happen and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself whilst praying it doesn't happen.

Congratulations on your recovery, I wish you the very best xxx

Thank you for your kind words.

Two weeks sober, was she physically dependent this time round? Who helped her get sober, I’m not saying she’s lying, she might not be, but getting sober on your own when you’re physically addicted requires a lot of strength and time.

It’s dangerous to start drinking again because an alcoholic will go straight back to consuming dangerous levels of alcohol quite quickly.

I know it’s totally baffling and so hard to understand why on earth someone would start drinking again after the pain of withdrawal. It truly is a delusional disease and trying to understand it when you don’t suffer with it will blow your mind.

You can’t live your life like this, please try and find some acceptance around the situation because it’s out of your control. Al-anon will really help you do that, if you choose, you can do the 12 steps yourself - it may seem a bizarre notion at first but the process can be cathartic and truly help you live a more mentally peaceful life.

Put yourself first and look after yourself x

@AdvicePleaseHelp

I'm taking her word that she's 2 weeks sober. I don't believe it really.

She said she's had no withdrawal this time etc.. seems suss when she's needed rehab / had hallucinations to do this previously.

My worry is, she said she's driving again. Something she usually doesn't do when she's drinking as she's previously been done for drink driving... so part of me wants to believe her but the other part knows it would have taken a lot more than just stopping like that, so I'm doubtful.

It's just never off my mind x

@Strawbsss It’s really complicated, she may well be telling the truth but the trust is totally shattered. I really think you need a break from it all.

Please go to Al-anon and give it a proper go (even if it seems a bit odd 😂). It’s about supporting you, not your Mum, they will help you.

@Strawbsss I second what @AdvicePleaseHelp has said - you need a break and to try to detach. Maybe your mother is being truthful; maybe she's not - impossible for us to say but I do recall the days when most of what came out of my mouth was a lie, and then again when nobody trusted me because I'd lied so consistently for so long.

Al Anon could truly assist you.

And it's step 12 to carry the message and to practise principles so it's absolutely no hardship in talking about the past. Remembering it is helpful because it reminds me of a place I never want to return to.

My auntie used to say this and in her mind she meant it. What she was actually doing was swapping spirits for cider and in her mind this wasn’t really alcohol.

https://britishlivertrust.org.uk/information-and-support/love-your-liver/roadshow/#dates

This bus goes around different places and offers a free liver scan.

Maybe you can get to one if you keep an eye on where it is going.