The never-ending cycle?

[GardenGnome12]

My DH has always been a very heavy binge drinker. He can not drink at all for days/weeks at a time, but has often gone many months drinking 75-100 units a week in 2 or 3 binges. Several times over the years I've said I can't take it anymore, the kids shouldn't see him like that etc. then he stops completely for a few months, before it creeps back up, then I say I can't continue etc. etc. The last time was after last Christmas, I decided I couldn't go through it again and asked for a divorce (we have 2 children, 5 and 11), and I laid out all the other things lacking as well as the drinking (taking equal responsibility for the kids, mental load, housework, his mood swings etc). He swore he would give up completely this time, and would change. Of course he then had a shandy on holiday 3 months later. Then a couple of pints when out at a meal. Then started staying at his Mam's so that "he was keeping the drinking away from me and the kids". He's been at the pub since 5pm tonight, he'll have had at least 10 pints, probably more and will have a bottle of wine when he gets in and is back to being drunk once a week for the past few weeks. I know we're back in "the cycle", but it's not bad enough again yet to leave. I've tried to point out where he's headed, but he gets really hurt/defensive and says he thinks he's doing really well, as it's less than before and "away from us", and how much he's stepped up with the kids etc (which he has), and that he doesn't want to keep having that conversation every time he has a drink. If we get to rock bottom again I definitely would leave this time, but I'm at the point where I don't know whether to keep trying (he does drink much less now than at his worst, and there's less impact on family life), or accept there's no hope, that if I don't go now we'll get back to the worst. Although whilst typing this he's back but out in the street, stopping passing cars (by standing in front of them) in case they're the takeaway he's ordered. I think I know I have to be the one to break the cycle, but I also don't want to give up if there's hope.

There is no hope, he’s an alcoholic and always will be. You are wasting your life waiting for a change that won’t happen.

Im afraid it very much sounds as though it's headed down that old familiar path. You're a bit numbed to it aren't you? Most of us would be horrified (not just oh here we go again) if our dp went to the pub and got drunk then came home, drunk, and drank an entire bottle of wine

Ver sadly the health consequences are likely to begin before long. If you leave he is still a father, he has his children to get sober for. And himself of course.

Hes not likely to manage that without professional support. At the moment that isn't happening I don't think?

It does sound as though his family drink as well. He probably needs to work very hard to relearn an ingrained attitude to drink - an attitude that combined with his personal susceptibility will otherwise likely become the death of him.

There is no less hope if you leave op, but a lot less misery for you, and importantly,for your children. This is very harmful for them.

You are not a substance abuse counsellor. You can't help him and the evidence of that is presumably snoring away somewhere right now, hopefully having not wet the bed or thrown up.

And your family resources are down by however much he spent last night. That was a lot of money just to piss down the toilets.

When you say: ‘it’s not bad enough to leave’ - consider why you think that. You set the bar, there isn’t a rule book about what is and isn’t a good enough reason to leave, it’s just opinion. You can decide to leave when you want to, with no rules, no one to answer to. It’s YOUR LIFE.

Thank you so much, you all said some things I really needed to hear, particularly about being numb to it and not realising how out of control his drinking behaviour really is. I've told him that I cannot stop him drinking, but that I cannot stay and have the girls around him if he chooses to continue. And that his "solution" of drinking elsewhere is not a viable option. He's said he knows the only option is to stop completely and permanently. I'm aware he's very much in his 'remorseful' stage right now though and we'll see if that changes once he's a few weeks out from how he's feeling right now, but I'm very clear that whilst I'm here to support him, it has to be him, and he has to do it for himself. I'm also going to be sticking to my boundaries - it's absolutely no drinking from now on, no going back to him trying to moderate again as it always fails, and I'm not going through it (or putting the kids through it) any longer. My biggest fear is my kids thinking this is normal behaviour and accepting the same - I know I didn't spot my husband's issues for a long time because of my own Dad's drinking behaviour,and I want to break that cycle too.

Good to hear you have set out your cards OP.

I fear there is heartache ahead, but you need to keep that clear view of your responsibility to yourself and your daughter being paramount.