Don't know how to help

[Prestonluke]

So, this is my first post, and I know that this is a safe space for women to talk, as a man I feel a little bit like I'm intruding so apologies for that. I basically don't know where else to turn to, and for part of my post I'd appreciate some female perspective. This could be a long post but I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. My wife has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, probably for as long as I've known her I just didn't recognize the signs back then, or brushed them off. That's 30 years give or take. We have 2 children, early and mid teens. The last 10 years I'd say have been getting worse and worse. Drunk and passed out most weekends, and now during the week as well. I've talked to her, written letters to her explaining how she is throwing her family away, I've tried everything and experience huge guilt for not being able to either help her, or the children. If I left, I know I would be leaving the children in a bad place, and getting full custody would be near impossible as well as - well - it would break her as much as she has brought this on herself.
She has suffered trauma in her past at the hands of men, and a betrayal from a family member whom she trusted before I met her so she has that baggage that weighs heavy, I've tried to encourage her to go to counselling for her sake but she won't even discuss it.
Like most alcohol dependants I guess she promises, and cries, and says she'll stop. But she never does, maybe a day or 2.
The last few years she has been pre-menopausal so now that is used as the reason why she is so erratic - and being a man it's hard to argue against that, obviously I'm aware it's a difficult time but it's so hard to cope with the drinking. She is on HRT patches but I'm not sure how effective they are for her.
I have no-one to talk to in real life about it. She has shown up drunk to a few childrens parties in the past so some people must suspect but I can't open up to anyone. I just don't know what to do anymore for the best, I've tried so hard but I can't keep going, the stress everytime she drinks is intolerable now, I cry, I dispair, I put a brave face on for the children and try to explain that Mum is tired etc but they see right through it.
Is there a way forward?

Take her to AA meeting, sit and listen. Also try Alanon for you, Will she go to rehab

She needs to acknowledge it as a problem and actually want to be helped. Until then it nothing is likely to work at all. She doesn't sound like she is at that stage yet.

Have you tried getting advice for yourself from Alcoholics Anonymous? They advise family members too, I believe. Speak to the GP too and find out what help might be available in your area - not just for your wife (she may or may not agree to it anyway), but for you and your children too.

My BIL is an alcoholic. Similar story to your wife, I'm afraid. He lost his home, ended up divorced and lost contact (and parental responsibility/access) with his daughter, who was then just a toddler.

Warn your wife that she is placing your marriage and access to the children in jeopardy. It would only take one of them to say something at school or preschool and then social services could become involved. She needs to understand that, hard though it is.

You might need to leave with the children, or she might have to. That's not pleasant for anyone, but it is reality. This will already be affecting them.

Would she agree to go to the GP with you, with a view to getting proper help and rehab?

Honestly, you can’t help. Al-Anon can guide you and you’ll get tons of support. They’ll help you sign post her to AA. It has its critics but it’s the fastest (and cheapest) way to access help - depending on where you live there are daily meetings.

I can suggest it but she really dislikes going to the doctors etc, she has massive anxiety attacks whenever anything is coming up that increases her alcohol intake. I know it's a vicious circle but she doesn't recognize it.
She is in massive denial, she doesn't think it's an issue at all and the times she can't avoid acknowledging it she has an excuse at the ready (menopause, period pains, anxiety etc etc.) all hard to argue against but I know her behaviour is unacceptable and damaging. I'm so tired of this but the alternative seems worse somehow.

I understand your reservations, but you and the children simply cannot go on like this and they need you to protect them in this.

Like many people with addiction problems, your wife will probably be in denial and may well need to hit rock bottom before she even acknowledges that she has a problem, if she ever actually does.

In the meantime, you have to do everything you can to protect your children from this, and that might well involve leaving (taking them with you).

Everything you are all saying makes sense and goes through my mind every night. Their happiness and wellbeing must come first but the fallout from leaving would be massive, I would be abandoning their mother without any real support and it would be impossible to get full custody. Without me there I don't know what would happen, I basically do everything, meals, dropoffs at school, washing etc.
Maybe I'm just a coward.

If I left, I know I would be leaving the children in a bad place, and getting full custody would be near impossible as well as - well - it would break her as much as she has brought this on herself.

I am the child of an alcoholic mother. My Dad left before she started drinking but over the years he watched from the sidelines as an EOW Dad convinced that 1) he’d never get full custody and 2) it would make my Mum even worse if we were taken away from her.

My life has been extremely scarred by being brought up by my mother and having everyone around me advocate for her having “one more chance” or “she needs the kids around to give her something to motivate herself”. It’s completely wrong. Your children come first. They are not there to keep your wife together (not that it’s working anyway).

Leave and take them with you or kick your wife out - do not leave them with her. The children are old enough to decide who they want to live with.

You won’t be able to stop your wife drinking. You can save your children from further damage.

Please. Put them first.

It definitely wouldn't be impossible to get full custody if she's an alcoholic and you're already the main care giver 🤷‍♀️

Get some legal advice.

You can't help an addict unless they are committed to recovery.

The best thing you can do to help is speed up her reaching the point of desperation where she wants to stop herself.

Leave her, take the children to a place of stability and safety.

Protect them and yourself.

It's up to her then if she wants to get sober or not. If / when she asks for help then you can help with eg doctors / lifts to AA meetings etc

At the moment you are shielding her from the consequences so she's finding it easier to deny. If you take away the safety net, she will fall which will force her to decide if she wants to stop or not.

I'm so sorry. My dad could have written your post a couple of decades ago. You aren't the only father in this situation, even if it must feel that way.

You don't say whether the kids are boys or girls, but are there any relatives who can step forward a little more to support them? I felt extremely lonely and unmothered, and my aunts and granny didn't really know what was going on until much later. Having their support recently has been incredible, but I could have done with it much sooner. I appreciate it might feel hard to tell anyone else what's going on, and it's yet another task on top of everything else you're doing, but if someone else is there for them to talk to, maybe take them out now and then, it could help. Alcoholism is very isolating, and it's easy to become detached from the rest of the family. Plus, the kids are old enough to be told what's really going on now.

As for you, someone has already mentioned Al-Anon, and that could help. There's also Smart Recovery, which I've heard good things about.

You aren't a coward. You're dealing with something impossible and devastatingly powerful. I don't know whether you stay or leave. I think I have to agree with the posts above, that you must do it. I completely understand how hard that must seem. I also understand that you didn't see this coming. My dad described it as boiling the frog. He was sent half-mad by the stress. It's important to really understand that you cannot control or cure this. I am so, so sorry you're in this situation.

Sadly you cannot do anything. She has to want to change. Concentrate on protecting your children. You may need to be very honest with yourself about the damage they are experiencing

You could be my brother in law writing this. I've watched him turn in to an absolute shell of a man due to my sisters drinking, he's depressed but can't face leaving her even though it's destroying him and the children. You aren't alone in this. Unfortunately we have all tried for almost 20 years to stop her drinking and she does admit she's an alcoholic but says she's too young to stop drinking forever. As if she's a young teen with no responsibilities. It has absolutely affected my nieces/nephew. One has gone completely off the rails. One has severe anxiety/body dysmorphia and has started drinking quite alot and one is never at home and stays away as often as they can as they can't stand seeing her drunk and aggressive to her dh.

My mother was an alcoholic and there is nothing worse than seeing and comparing your mum day in and day out to your friends mums wondering why she just can't be the same as them. I've gone the opposite way and what I will say is your wives period pains/peri menopause are not the reason or a reason to drink. Alcoholics will make anything a reason to drink and my sister does too. Particularly on days ending with a y.

She won't change until she reaches her rock bottom and it doesn't sound like she's there yet. In the meantime you need to protect you and your kids. If they're teens they can decide who they live with its not a case of getting custody, there choices count and matter.

Thank you all for taking the time to post and share your stories. Right now we're in a period of calm, I told her I loved her and the kids loved her but she was making choices that would break us apart if she continues. I hugged her, she cried. She says she feels sad all the time. She was on anti depressants a few years ago but said they made her feel numb so she came off them.
She says she wants to stop but I'm under no illusions this will happen but will offer all the support I can for now.

My DH could have written your post 3 years ago. I was in a dreadful place, on anti depressants and drinking heavily. I remember him crying one night, telling me he was dreading Christmas with me.

I’m now over 2 years sober. So it can be done, it’s not hopeless, but it is very, very hard for everyone, and my heart goes out to you and your family.

I have heard my husband tell people I read a book, did Dry January and just stopped. That wasn’t what it was like from my end, I assure you. I read endless “quit lit” (often while viciously hungover), tried and failed to stop many times, but eventually something clicked.

Ultimately, it has to come from your wife, and that is very hard for you. I would encourage her to get support for her mental health issues - they tend to go in a vicious circle with alcohol problems as each makes the other worse

Thank you so much @Onewildandpreciouslife the change you have made must have been so hard but I'm sure you know how much it means to your family.
Yes I agree re mental health issues, she went to see her GP over her anxiety but all she got was a person phoning her once a week to ask how her anxiety had been and to recount anything that had affected her.
Thanks for those responding about menopause, period pain, hrt etc, it's a powerful argument when used as an excuse. I know it must contribute in some way but I feel it's a convenient get out at times.

Heavy drinking over a long time really fucks up your brain chemistry, and makes it so much harder to find the motivation to do healthier things, and feel joy from doing them. I don't think this gets talked about enough. My family didn't realise or understand this until it was too late. I think it's fixable, but takes time and work.

I appreciate that she doesn't want to take ADs. I think the numbness is a problem. It certainly was for my mum, and I think it stopped her from finding joy in anything healthy. Can you access/afford talking therapy for your wife? And can you encourage her into any sort of gentle exercise? Something to help trigger the serotonin. My mum found some relief in Pilates for a while. I'm very sad to say it didn't last, but it certainly seemed to help at the time, and she was sober for three months while doing it.

I'm not saying these things to suggest 'hey, here are some ideas to cure her'. I know it's not like that. I just really feel for you and hope things will improve.

I am the daughter of an alchoolic, believe me when I say that your children are already being harmed.
I recommend you read " It will never happen to me " by Claudia Black to understand how children of alchoolics are harmed .
Stop enabling your wife, you need to choose to put your children first.
ALANON can help you.
You didn't cause, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
You need to be strong for your children.