Separating the person from the alcoholic

[MakeItRain26]

My father in law is an alcoholic. It has always been a bit of a joke that he likes a drink but this year it has got out of hand and his drinking is ruining the family. He has behaved in ways that I personally consider to be unforgivable. It feels like he is a totally different person and I am so angry with him and feel extremely let down for both myself and my husband. I’m finding it hard to move on from it.

When an alcoholic behaves badly, is it possible to view it as their alcoholism and still see the person underneath? How do you come to terms with the fact that they are unlikely to apologise or see their behaviour as wrong?

No. The primary relationship that person has is with alcohol. They are like any other addict. You just have to distance yourself from them as much as possible or they will destroy you too.

I think pp is v harsh. The last thing they need is distancing as connecting to others is the antidote to any addiction (which is why AA and other community programmes can work) but I understand you need your boundaries too and you may not be able to be there foe him. Let's be honest, no one would choose an addicts life. He reaches for the bottle again and again because the withdrawal feels too painful and his brain is screaming at him to drink. It's not to have a good time! I feel for you, I'm sure it is very painful and I also feel very much for him and I'd rather be in your position rather than his..

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause it.”
https://al-anon.org/blog/not-fault-didnt-cause/
contact Al-Anon Family for support
The 3 Cs - you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

Apart from the 3 Cs that a pp has mentioned, one of the best things I picked up from contact with Al Anon was detaching with love.

Our family alcoholic did her best to push us all away so she could drink alone and not feel guilty about it. Sadly her alcoholism has left her with major health issues so we had to keep checking in, but we were able to do it with the mindset that we would be there for her when she was ready but until then all we could do was watch from a distance and the odd little thing like leaving food in the fridge, doing the washing up while she was passed out.

This was really hard at first, we care about her. But with an alcoholic family member you have to step back and put yourself first.

Ours finally hit crisis and ended up back in hospital. We've been here before but so far it's been 2 years and she's not fallen off the wagon again. However, she has relapsed many times before so much as we love her we can never quite regain the bond we used to have.

I wish you well, but please don't sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else's alcoholism.

Thank you for the responses @HollywoodTease I actually took about 2 months off seeing FIL at all over the summer after he ruined an important event for me and my husband and has shown no contrition. However I realised I was inadvertently punishing MIL who is lovely and needs our support so I have started engaging with the again.

I feel like I can’t move on until he apologises and changes his behaviour. My husband and BIL feel that we have to just accept that this is the way he is, we can’t change it so we should just fake it til we make it but I feel like that’s letting him get away with being awful

Long-term alcoholism can change people. You asked about 'the person underneath'. In my experience, there was nothing left of that person.

It can utterly destroy a person's empathy, compassion, inhibition, reasoning etc. People don't seem to understand this, they don't appreciate how hideous the damage can be. It's not just about physical damage or unacceptable behaviour – it's the annihilation of the entire personality, of everything that makes someone good.

"I feel like I can’t move on until he apologises and changes his behaviour." I'm sorry, OP, but that's not likely. I suggest reading more, understanding what you can of alcoholism and learning about boundaries.

Would this be 'letting him get away with it'? No. It's about you finding your peace and preserving your sanity in the face of a situation you cannot control or change.

Thank you @amlie8 - I will admit it is all new to me and I don’t know much about alcoholism at all. We have only just started using that word to refer to him which in itself feels like a big step.

Therefore it is only recently that I connected his behaviour to his drinking.

Can I ask why it is that excessive drinking makes people treat others poorly? I appreciate the connection but why? I’m comparing it to something like smoking, which while obviously an unhealthy addiction, doesn’t make people cruel or thoughtless in my experience anyway.

In active addiction, no. If he gets sober and sorts his life out, yes. I did some awful things when I was still drinking. It wasn’t the alcoholism, it was genuinely me and my bad judgment and selfish behaviour. But people 100% can change and sort themselves out. The sober people I know are some of the kindest, most sensible people I’ve ever met, even though when they were drinking they were right assholes. People can sort themselves out and make amends, but they have to stop drinking and actually DO it to make a difference.

To answer the question about why alcohol changes people’s behaviour, it’s down to the way it impacts the brain. You might have a look at work by William Porter or David Nutt to understand more about the brain and alcohol.

You need to accept that he's an alcoholic, behaves badly and can't be forced to change.

If he ruins events then organise things so it doesn't effect you too much for example, leave before he's drunk too much.

Don't expect him to apologise or take responsibility for his behaviour. Your husband could join Al Alon to help him come to terms with it.

It’s fucking hard living with an alcoholic family member. You could try al-anon. It’s been really helpful for me teaching me how to live my life with an alcoholic family member, getting off the rollercoaster - which was the alcoholic’s rollercoaster not mine! Or if you can’t get to an al-anon group, try the recovery show podcast (an al-anon podcast). There are hundreds of episodes, start from the beginning and hear about al-anon, or search the episode list for a subject matter that seems relevant to you. It has really helped me.

I have a close friend who lives with us who has a problem with alcohol. In the lead up to a relapse he displays a lot of very difficult behaviours. Lying I expect, gaslighting I find particularly difficult to deal with. It is part of him and I am blunt with him about the damage it causes our friendship when he does that. But I do see those as behaviours rather than him - and usually they are a sign the wheels are about to come off. That’s the time I know I need to detach or I will get hurt.

When he is actively drinking he cannot think about anything except alcohol. It has a grip on him that he has zero control over. He is so vulnerable at that time that it is hard to get angry (for me, would be different if I needed him in any way, eg if he was a partner or I was trying to coparent - then I would be furious). I can get annoyed that he made the decision to have the first one as the outcome is always the same, but I always know when it’s due to happen so even that doesn’t really annoy me now (baffles me rather than annoys me). I think the drunk him is very real and very much part of him tbh. It’s everything that gets buried. But he is not usually an angry drunk, more a desperate one.

He does apologise although I’m not sure he really understands the impact his drinking has on others (I may be being unfair).

As others have said detaching with love is the only way to stay sane if you want to continue to be involved in an addict’s life. It is acceptable to be furious with someone and acceptable to walk away. The behaviours that go with addiction, along with the lack of responsibility and expecting others to pick up the pieces are all damaging to relationships. Only you can decide whether it is worth doing the whole detaching with love thing - it can be painful and difficult and only you will know whether it is worth it. For me it has been, but this is for a very close friend - there aren’t many people I would have the energy to do this for.

@Donhill thank you for the info about the podcasts I will definitely give those a listen - my MIL goes to our local Al Anon Group already so although I would be interested in going I won’t do because I don’t want to intrude on her space and it affects her the most obviously

Because alcohol, unlike nicotine, impairs judgement. It has that specific biological effect on the brain. It's why you can't drink and drive.

It's also because the alcoholic is choosing alcohol over connection. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It's connection.

Ask yourself if MIL wasn't involved what you would do about contact with FIL.

Is there a way to see MIL or support her without involving FIL?

No.

You cannot separate the alcoholic from anything. Alcohol is their reason for living, their primary relationship and their only thought whilst conscious.

No.
My Db was an alcoholic. He was angry, uncaring, mean and stopped caring for himself. While my dm and I tried to be supportive, I wouldn't let my dc be near him, it was too upsetting for them and such a volatile environment.

We loved the person he used to be but the alcoholism took that person away.

In vino Veritas.

all that need to destroy is inside him, and alcohol is his excuse for letting it out and letting himself off the hook.

It’s hard to accept that the alcoholic and the person are one and the same. The badness is not poured into him with alcohol- it brews inside him and alcohol let’s it out.

I don’t think I agree with this.

i think alcohol changes your brain chemistry and can therefore alter the person you are.

One of the many reasons I stopped was because I felt alcohol was changing me as a person into someone cold, hard and that I did not like. I’m not that person normally and I’m not that person over 3 years on.

I also don't agree. Heavy alcohol use can completely change the brain – and how a person behaves, interprets and interacts with others.

I do think it can magnify existing personality flaws, but I also know that my mother became a completely different person, over the years.

God. This is depressing as someone attempting to get sober.

@BoneTiredandWired Don't be disheartened. Please keep trying. People do manage to become sober, and you can too.

@BoneTiredandWired it is possible.

These threads are very hard, because many people have been brutally hurt by people in the grip of addiction.

As someone who has been sober for over 2 years, I would say to you “We are not bad people trying to be good, we are sick people trying to heal”

But that’s because I’m the person who had the problem with alcohol. My perspective would be very different if I had loved someone with an alcohol problem.

Addiction alters someone’s brain chemistry/ pleasure pathways. It does alter someone’s personality as well as their enjoyment of other things - because (simplistic explanation not the medical one) the brain stops being able to make/ experience dopamine and therefore the craving for the dopamine hit from the substance is all consuming. The brain does repair though, I understand it starts from the 3 month sobriety mark. So there is a difference between the addict ahd the addict behaviours, and that person can/will come back to you in recovery.

It is bloody tough though! I’m the daughter of an alcoholic as well as the partner of an alcoholic. It is a pain and a rollercoaster beyond belief.

He’s unwell and needs support.