I don't know if this is the right area but hoping someone might be able to understand, help or even just listen.
Growing up, my DF was an alcoholic. Mostly functional but lived abroad so don't know how much it impacted him in detail. But visits over with my DB to stay with him (parents divorced, so just the two of us flying solo from around age 11 and 9) would always involve a number of nights where he'd been totally incapacitated and got to the stage of having him describe his suicide plans. Utterly terrifying for a young teen with no other adult nearby, and has totally fucked up my relationship with alcohol (and life as a whole to an extent).
After one particularly horrific evening listening to his depressed, drunk monologues I left his flat early in the morning and basically just hid away from him. Can't remember if I left a note, or even if I took my phone, but when I had decided to walk back a few hours later I did bump into him looking for me. He was clearly terrified himself. And since then, about 20 years on, he's been sober. I'm immensely proud of him for doing that. But for over a decade I still feared daily for his life and that he'd fall off the wagon. He's much more settled now in life generally, back in the UK, and I don't think he's depressed anymore. But occasionally when things get stressful he mentions "going back to drinking" and I freeze, and go back to that young girl and find it hard to breathe.
But this isn't meant to be about him - it's just the context.
DH and I have been married 6 years, together 9. He knew from fairly early on about dad's history with alcohol and that that was why I don't drink. Always very sympathetic and so drinking has never been a part of our relationship. He himself does really enjoy certain drinks - whisky and real ale mostly - but doesn't drink at home much, and we don't go out often (two young kids, but even before then it wasn't our style).
I've probably only seen him drunk a handful of times our whole relationship, but it utterly destroys me. I flit between being terrified, furious, anxious, numb - a childhood of trauma all re-lived when that slight glassy eyed look appears. The most recent time was the worst. Travelled to a whisky festival with his friend and came back so completely pissed that he couldn't focus either his eyes or his words, was stumbling around and eventually it transpired he'd vomited on himself on the train back. I couldn't bare to look at him so kicked him out to the lounge, and he spent the entire night and a lot of the morning vomiting. He did feel awful (not just the hangover!) and embarrassed, ashamed, everything. I had a very clear conversation with him that should anything even close to that happen again it would be over - I cannot have my children grow up with the same fears as I did, and I cannot parent them if I'm living feeling like that again.
And he's barely gone out since. Still has maybe a small glass of whisky once a week, a wine with dinner if at his parents, or a couple of pints of we're out with friends. He has a subscription of alcohol free beers which he enjoys almost as much as the real stuff.
But... Every time he does drink I'm scared. Even when it's at home and I can see it's not much. I wonder if I've missed him having one already. I worry what he's thinking about - is he planning his own death? Is he thinking he doesn't love his children enough to promise he won't drive off a cliff? Is he angry at the life he's living?
Today we went out with a group and he had a couple of pints. I then went home with the kids and he carried on to town with the group. He really wasn't out long, and is home safe, but I'm scared - how much has he drunk? Is he going to be sick? (I'm also fairly emetophobic so double the anxiety for this bit!) Does he resent me for not going out too, or for stiffling his fun if he did want to drink more but knows how I feel about it? If the kids needed something in the night, could he help? Is he going to say something that will play on repeat in my head forever more?
I don't want to ask him not to drink. I don't want to ask him not to go out with friends. But I can't carry on like this, however infrequent it happens. I'm exhausted tonight as was travelling for work, but I can't sleep for fear of him being sick or doing something stupid. I don't even think he's drunk, but I just don't know - people can hide it and it just comes out out of nowhere. I'm already on sertraline for depression (originally stemmed from those childhood experiences), and have tried CBT in the past for anxiety, but not necessarily connected to exactly this situation. But think I've used up my IAPT entitlements unless they get refreshed.
I don't expect anyone to read this all. It's been far longer than I thought, but incredibly cathartic at least.