Supporting Friend

[teenboymom]

It's become apparent that a good friend is dependant on alcohol. I had suspected for a while and had it confirmed this weekend. We went away and it was horrendous. Absolute shit show. Now all our group are aware. We have made contact with her husband who has been dealing with this alone. Hr was relieved and had been planning on contacting us. He is going to confront her this week but I know she is going to go mental. She is very stubborn and also very defensive. I had confronted her about her mental health recently and she lost it with me.
She's drinking two bottles of wine minimum a day. It's not effecting her kids lives.
Any advice?

How is their mum drinking two bottles of wine a day not affecting her children's lives?

She's going to kill herself at that rate and her children aren't stupid. She needs to leave and get clean.

Sorry that's meant to say, it's NOW effecting kids.

I know what she needs to do but her doing it is another thing...one of the group tried to broach her seeing a therapist (didn't mention drink but just mental health) and she flips every time even that is mentioned. She treated us badly this weekend as in stormed off then drank with a load of strangers back in hotel, caused a scene which broke up the whole group for most the night and caused an end to the night.

I'm sure it is. It must be devastating for all involved. Her husband can contact Al Anon.

This is a really difficult situation. She must know she has a problem and is likely very ashamed, and doesn’t want to confront it. What does she say about the scene she created at the hotel?

It’s difficult to confront but there is help out there. Sounds like she is likely to put up a fight though. Do you ever see her sober?

As a friend I’d try to avoid being judgemental but of course you will want to protect her children. I’d possibly approach it from that angle - that you aren’t judging but are worried about the kids and want to support her.

She said nothing about it this morning. No apology or acknowledgement. I

Sorry sent too soon.

No acknowledgement In fact she tried to blame the rest of us as reason she felt she didn't much of us all weekend. I don't want to be outing but she doesn't live in my country so o ky see her every couple of months but talk usually twice a week and lots on our group WhatsApp.

None of us confronted her to keep the peace but I think we are all enabling her behaviour.

Her kids are defo affected. She has maintained her job but has been given a warning about attendance

My advice is to be the best friend you can be to her husband. He's in a hideous, lonely situation. Just be a friend to him, no judgement.

I'm not saying you're doing this, but having been the child in this situation, I found accusations of my dad 'enabling' really difficult and frankly they made things worse. On a practical level, when two lives are intertwined, it's virtually impossible to avoid. The idea that my dad could cut off her access to money and car was just ridiculous. She would get credit cards, taxis, deliveries etc, and cause a whole new world of problems. It is not possible for one adult to stop another from drinking. Your friend can't stop his wife from drinking. It's important to be 100% clear on that.

I know, it must be so hard for him. She is functioning to a certain extent like mostly going to work and dinner would be cooked but house is going to shit which she was always very good with before.

Everyone is just scared to approach as she is so fiery and her first response is to shut you out.

That's alcoholics for you. Everything we said, however mild and gentle, was met with anger: 'You're bullying me! Stop nagging me!' It's hideous, it really is. It changes the personality entirely.

If the house is going to shit, that's another bad sign.

Wish I had answers for you, but it sounds like you really care and you are stepping up for that poor family. It's about finding that balance of accepting she is the only person who can change this (as stark as that sounds) and showing true friendship to the husband and kids suffering under her addiction.

I know you said you're in another country but for those who live nearby, hopefully they can simply make the husband feel included, less isolated and still part of their friendship group. I know you've all got your own busy lives and your own worries, your own families, but sometimes little things do help, just keeping in touch.

Was speaking to husband this am. She was showing remorse with him about the weekend and how she went on, she played it down a bit but at least she saw she was in wrong. But he said to her that he thinks there is a drink problem. He said he cleared out glass bin while she was gone and there was 8 bottles from only 4 nights. She didn't get defensive, she said she needs to give up drink and is going to go cold turkey. We will see how it goes. I haven't heard anything from her

Just be a good friend to her. Cut out the nights out and boozy weekends away and offer to meet for a walk or coffee or a swim or a class, anything you’d enjoy together that doesn’t involve alcohol.

She will absolutely know she has a drinking problem, but there is so much shame involved in drinking, it will be really difficult for her to admit to all of you. But deep down inside, she knows and has probably been struggling for a long time, but also wanting to keep up appearances, not miss out on a girls weekend away, be her normal self to everyone.

When I stopped drinking, I was drinking 3 bottles of wine a night every night. My husband had a heart to heart with me to say he was worried about me and that made a big difference. It was like someone else saw the pain I was in. It was really validating. What I would say is don’t give up on her if it takes time to stop. From the first time my husband said he was worried about my drinking to me actually deciding to stop was nearly 2 years. And suddenly, one day I decided I was done. I stopped and never looked back. I’m 18 months sober and don’t think about alcohol anymore.

I think there is this assumption that when people should stop, they will, or else they don’t care enough or aren’t trying enough. It’s a process. I thought about getting sober. Followed sober accounts on instagram. Read books about sobriety for several years before I took the leap.