Alcoholic grown up child

[Valkyrie3]

Posting on AIBU because I really can't work out the topics and where to put this, and also because I just don't know what to do.

Is anyone here the parent of an alcoholic child?
Had a search and couldn't find any threads.
Am finding this very difficult. DS has an alcohol problem but despite attending an alcohol group support programme and taking drugs to stop cravings (so some admission of the problem) he has stopped attending now and is drinking, lying about drinking, drinking in secret, stopped taking care of self and is defensive or non-committal when I bring it up.
I have attended Al-Anon but it wasn't right for me, and their advice seems to be to let it take its cause and that I can do nothing to stop it.
I just don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this position?
AIBU to try to help him by telling him I/we notice when he's drunk/hungover/sneaking alcohol?

What good will it do to tell him all that ?

How old is he ?

So hard for you. What age is Ds and does he live with you? If not, I think you need to heed Al Anon’s advice, as difficult as that may seem. You can’t change him, change has to start with him realising the gravity of his problem.

I’m so sorry, it sounds really difficult.

Thanks for the replies. He's 29.

He doesn't live with me. To answer what good would it do, I feel that not acknowledging it is being complicit and I think that gently telling him might help him to have a wake up call, eventually.

Hi @Valkyrie3 , only you know your son best and how he will react to people telling him he has a problem. You do need to be prepared though that he's likely to deny it, and ultimately he needs to want to get himself better.
However, for some people, having someone tell them they've seen the issue is a bit of a wake up call, or sometimes people are actually wanting someone to say something because they don't want to admit it themselves, does that make sense?

There's quite a lot of info on the AdFam website, also have a Google about the blue light project.

Also, have a look to see what drug/alcohol agencies you have in your local area, and see if they offer any Family support. I work in family support in this area, so happy to help you look if you let me know which county you're in

Actually, the blue light project is probably not the right one, will let you know the name of the report once I can access it at work tomorrow

adfam.org.uk/for-families/

I k ow alcoholics still leaching off his parents at 45 - so do t find anything. Don’t get into bad habits

I'm sorry, that's shit. My mum started gently raising my alcohol use when I was around 29 and I found it infuriating but it did land and I am now 18+ months sober. But for a lot of people, I know that doesn't work - as it has to be the person doing it that wants to change. I think you need to chat to services in your, or his, area and see what they can offer. I'd also consider trying another al-anon group - they vary so much (like Aa groups). For instance, it took me over a year to find a group of sober people I really clicked with. I'd also suggest looking on the Alcohol Support forum, I think there's a thread for people affected by others drinking.

take a look on the alcohol board in health. There is a support thread for those with alcoholics in their life.

I'm not saying you have to go to al-anon, but what they are saying is absolutely right. You can't control or stop this.

What you can do is lovingly hold boundaries with your son.

DS, I love you and I will always love you. When you're ready to get help for your drinking, I'm here and I will support you.

In the meantime, don't enable or facilitate him. Don't give him money to spend on alcohol. Don't tolerate poor behaviour from him. Don't derail your own life, because there is literally not one single thing anyone can do to stop someone else drinking, other than lock them away and as soon as they're free they will go back to it. Also, forcing a dependent drinker to go cold turkey can be life threatening.

Keep yourself strong and happy and healthy OP by making sure you are taking care of yourself, seeing loved ones, and don't let your life be consumed by the ups and downs and drama of it all (easier said than done when it's your child!).

I am not the mother of an alcoholic child but I'm the adult child of an alcoholic mother who drank herself to death, so you may disregard my perspective if you wish.

The reason the Al-Anon people told you to let it run its course is because nothing you do will make any difference to his drinking, but you can turn yourself inside out with trying. Tell him or don't tell him - it won't affect whether or not he picks up that drink. Personally, I think telling him gives him more evidence to reflect on, if he ever gets to the point where he is ready to address his drinking, but just be aware of the fact that he may then blame his drinking on you. You know, as in how he is drinking because you keep going on about his drinking. Self-fufilling prophecy and all that. He'll be lying, of course, although he might not realise it.

As the PP said - the main thing is to protect yourself. It might be worth checking out other Al-Anon groups, to see if you find people you connect with better - not all groups are the same. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and I hope he finds his way through.

No matter how difficult it is to accept, whatever you do or don’t do won’t make a difference.

get yourself some support from al anon or similar. I’m sorry you are going through this.

You didn’t cause it
uou can’t cure it
you can’t control it

two members of my close family are alcoholics. There is nothing you can do. Alcoholics might seek help but only when they reach rock bottom and that is far lower than you would even want to imagine. As Alina3 says, and my GP agrees, you have to look after yourself. Alcoholics can be very devious and you need to employ tough love. In our area we have a charity which provides counselling and meetings everyday for alcoholics. Ask your son’s GP. But you can’t make him go or engage with the programme. He has to want to do the work.

You should see the alcohol addiction as a coping strategy, which it is to manage the pain/struggles he is going through. He needs therapy to talk about why he needs to self medicate, only then will he be able to manage the addiction. Anything else will be a sticking plaster.

What happened to him op? Start there. Show empathy - no one chooses to be an alcoholic.

Great advice, it’s what my mum was advised to do with my sibling. I love you and care for you but I want no part in your life when you are drinking, I’ll support you when you are ready for the help.

my mum has taken a huge step back after years of trying to help. She ended up having a stroke which the doctor said was probably due to stress.

life is much easier as she has now realised there is nothing she can do to make my sibling stop drinking until they make that decision themself.

Their advice is correct unfortunately. There is nothing you or anyone else can do about your sons addiction. Only he can do it himself and he has to want to do it.

I found it a very difficult balance trying to be there for my mum and still love her and be in contact while protecting myself emotionally from it all (at 19-21) and trying to forge my own life, though I was lucky that mine wasn't a mean or problematic alcoholic, she just sat in her home and drank and drank and drank until she was unable to walk anymore, soiled the sofa, got booze delivery companies, and ended up dead within 3yr of starting. But I was lucky she was the loveliest kindest mum, and she never took it out on us. She would more generally try to hide it and say she was fine and no it's okay don't visit to protect us from it so we weren't dragged down. Obviously that was hard in itself never knowing what was true if she was okay or not. If she'd been a mean angry aggressive cruel alcoholic I genuinely think I'd have suffered so much more.

There were times when I distanced myself for a couple months but returned. I'm glad I didn't go no contact as I'd have despised myself forever once she was dead. But if she was actively harming me I'd have had to.

I sent this thread to somone who was overdoing the drink

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4497210-Partner-does-not-want-me-to-drink

In their case it did have an effect

@Valkyrie3 You have my sympathy- it must be truly awful to see what is happening to your son. I don’t have any answers as only your son can find the willpower to stop drinking.

I do think you’d get more advice and support if you post in the alcohol support thread here.

Hi OP, we have moved your thread to the Alcohol support board where we think you will get much more advice/support.
Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Your son is like my DH, except he's been hospitalised twice with liver cirrhosis.

I've protected myself emotionally because I know my DH is likely to die of it not too far ahead (hes 64)

That will be impossible for you of course, your his Mum.

I think just tell him firmly but calmly that you know he's still drinking, you love him, but you can't do anything to help him financially (if he asks).

Is he attending CGL Groups? Has he ever been through a detox residential stay?

My heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I'm going to echo PP you can't control or stop his drinking. That's up to him.

Set and maintain your boundaries and get some support. You aren't alone.

Thanks everybody, it helps to read your replies.
He goes through stages of abstinence and then bingeing and I'm always naively hopeful that he'll start to prefer the sober periods to the drunken episodes but so far the pull of drinking seems to win out.
I agree that the root cause needs to be addressed but he is resistant to help. His dad has offered to pay for counselling but DS has refused.
I will look at the links and suggestions people helpfully posted.
Thanks.

Sorry for you too @BMW6, it's heartbreaking.
He hasn't done CGL or any residential detox. He was attending a group but he says they have nothing further to offer him. I know this isn't true and told him this last night.