Please help me understand

[friendconcern]

I have an old friend who has been alcoholic for years and we’ve seen a steady decline in her physical and mental health. Because she’s a ‘functioning alcoholic’ and it looks like a professional woman having a glass of wine after work, most people wouldn’t even think of her as having issues with it.

She very nearly died recently because of her drinking, her body just gave up, and she’s been left with significant disabilities as a result. She’s saying all the ‘right’ things but I think she’s still drinking.

Can anyone help me understand what might be going on for her please? I want to understand so that I can be there for her in the right way. Not put pressure on but not enable.

I just don’t understand why, after what she’s been through and is still going through, she’d do this to herself.

Addiction is an incredibly complex situation to understand even to those who are experiencing it.
Try reading some quit literature and alcohol explained to give you some insight.
I know that personally for me the drinking at the start was only if I went out which wasn't often.
Then in my thirties I would get a bottle of wine to enjoy at home over the weekend. Then I experienced a series of traumatic events in quick succession.
The drinking crept up to daily drink very quickly. I had a lot of shame and guilt about my addiction and guess what took that feeling away, a Drink.

Everyones experience will be different I hope your friend finds her way out. If I were you I wouldn't talk to her about her drinking unless she brings up the conversation and even then be very careful what you say. I had some very well meaning friends who tried to help but in fact made me feel worse.
I pushed a lot of people away, I still cringe now at the drunk phone calls and texts. I remember how people would look at me, this made me want to drink more, I was so ashamed of myself.
My self esteem and respect was in the gutter. It felt like the only things that didn't judge me were my dog and the bottle. I once went into work still drunk from the previous night with two black eyes my manager sent me home. That was the turning point for me.
Nobody and I mean nobody could have stopped me drinking it had to be upto me. I still to this day couldn't say why, I certainly didn't feel like I chose it towards the end I was addicted simple as that. When the penny dropped and I realised that my mindset completely changed. I sincerely hope your friend reaches this point, you may need to step back a bit which is incredibly hard. My best friend did this and now I'm recovering I'm so grateful for her.

I'm an alcoholic, 8 years sober. Aa worked for me. It was the last thing I tired and the only thing that's ever worked. If you get the app "everything aa" then you can read all the literature which explains it way better than I can. Also alanon is for the people around the addict and helps them set boundaries to keep them well instead of getting drained. Well that's my limited understanding of it anyway - the one alanon person I know started going to meetings and her husband was in aa shortly after.

Like people say, alcoholism is complex and people drink for many reasons, often they're self medicating and in denial.

The thought of giving up alcohol can be terrifying and denial can be very strong.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I understand that everyone is different but the fear, shame and guilt are something that I hadn’t connected with at a personal level although I think I understood theoretically. Thank you for helping me with that

Maybe I need to accept that I don’t understand and can’t help other than just being there for her. Thank you