Help please. Supporting close family member who is being blamed

[Stumpedasatree]

My BIL is an alcoholic recently in recovery, and has had a lot of setbacks in the last 2 years. He was a functioning alcoholic before he met my sister and they’ve now been married for over 30 years. Now he is in recovery he has suddenly turned on my sister, blaming her for his addiction and saying that she drove him to become an alcoholic. My sister is understandably devastated and she says it is impossible to live with him now and he was actually easier when he was drinking. He is very grumpy, short fused and she is constantly walking on egg shells.

She is so unhappy. How can I help? I thought if he is in recovery it should be getting easier, not harder?

I think that you should support your sister to come to terms with the fact that her relationship with her husband is probably over. He doesn't sound nice at all and if he is refusing even to accept responsibility for the fact that he's an alcoholic then there's no hope.

Your sister should attend Al anon meetings.

Is BIL getting any support eg AA?

@Changeiscomingthisyear he is going to AA meetings and is also receiving therapy. I think my sister has contact with some partners through AA who she is talking to.

Will BIL always be affected by the craving for alcohol to the detriment of his moods and empathy for other people?

I'm a recovering alcohol addict, and I find the idea of your BIL blaming your sister, for his alcohol addiction horrific. He's blaming someone who is likely to have been victimised as a result of his addiction.

The 'dry drunk' is not unusual. Stops drinking, but continues to be emotionality abusive. If she hasn't left him before, this just might be the final straw or she may stay regardless. You may not be able to do anything. Do they have children?

It's certainly a very long journey and doesn't stop when the drinking stops. In fact in some ways it can feel harder.

Addiction is all consuming but so is recovery for lots of people.

She doesn't have to stay with him and maybe she shouldn't. She isn't responsible for him and she definitely isn't responsible for him drinking.