How do I manage without it?

[Sillymummies123]

I've quit before. I liked it, but the stress from home (autistic child who is violent and demanding) and work (essentially I'm almost a qualified doctor. The experience of placement is having low control, being constantly out of my depth, standing around unable to exercise freedom to move, constantly having to demonstrate new skills whilst under observation for sign off), no matter how resilient I am, provide stress via two ways: knowing something uncomfortable is coming and hyper focusing on it, the chemical stress of doing something stressful and having no space at home to unwind (kids). These things will be the same when I am a junior doctor in the NHS.

So, last time I was sober for months I disengaged with medical school. I think this was survival as I could no longer cope. Later, I became anxious and just burned out because I had lost the stress management of alcohol. With the introduction of my autisric son and what essentially amounts to living in a high intensity awareness environment, I have experimented with SSRIs. They do reduce my stress but they also make me absolutely crave the f**k out of alcohol, and when I've used them, I've inevitably ended up drinking lots of alcohol again, nightly.

I feel I've really made myself vulnerable by sharing all this. I don't want to not be a doctor, I can't qnd won't give away my kids. Does anyone have really simple, kind advice for how to move forward for someone who is exhausted and time poor. I'm on day one again but have been for a run with the Naked Mind podcast and I'm feeling really ready for sobriety! Just not the long term effects I've experienced before.

You might find working a program like the 12 steps gives you the structure and resources to deal with some of these experiences in a more positive way while staying sober - I've found trying to move towards the image of the serenity prayer through step work really useful in managing stress and situations of low control (the serenity to accept what we cannot change...) but also to work out what situations don't work for me (the courage to change the things I can). For some people just getting sober is like removing a solution and we need other tools - AA is a free way to access some of these resources and one I've benefited from, although I'm sure it is not the only path to new solutions

I had to break the drinking routine and replace it with something else. I tried numerous times before without doing this and failed. For me it’s exercise. I got a treadmill and instead of reaching for a bottle I get on it in the evenings. I don’t run. It’s just a distraction until the craving has gone.

There are others on my thread who have returned to painting, reading, practice self care, or just brush their teeth when they are in the danger zone. I’ve found the support of a group invaluable and can’t really face RL so MN has plugged that gap.

Wishing you good luck!

The alcohol overall increases your stress, although it feels like it relieves it short term. You need to find another way of destressing in the evenings instead of alcohol, yoga, exercise, reading, whatever works for you. It will eventually make you more clear headed and less stressed at work.

It's probably a really good move making yourself vulnerable here because there are lots of people who might have good suggestions (ignore any nasty comments, lean on your skills for detaching from grumpy patients).

You are doing several good and difficult things and I wish you every possible success.

There are doctors staying sober in AA (which works for some people), there are other CBT based support methods which also work for some people.

Support with your autistic child sounds like a priority. I have a child with autism and trying to meet their needs is hard work and often physically exhausting.

The AA advice of 'One Day at a Time' and 'Keep it in the Day' can be really helpful when life is overwhelming. One hour or 5 minutes at a time when life is really tough.

For some reason this has popped into my head.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=75d29QWELk

They have some very useful and fun videos if you haven't come across them before.

Thank you. I am quite confident that my personality and views arent suited to AA. I subscribe more to the idea that everyone, with enough time and exposure, would develop the addictive behaviour to alcohol, and I am someone who sees what I want and takes it (so my only shot is quitting by making myself want sobriety / not be attracted to alcohol rather than a focus on loss of power or abstinence). I'm also not only atheistic, but actually despise religion, so I think I wouldn't be able to cognitively get on board with AA, which I understand is a religious programme?

I appreciate and value all of the advice given - just laying out that I am not AA appropriate. Managed 4 or 5 months with the Naked Mind method last time, but sadly wasn't prepared for the winter association of Christmas beers, nights out and wine and alcohol sunk its teeth back in. I'm on day 2 today! I find (and found last time) that I wake up feeling much more hungover than I did when I was drinking (probably due to withdrawal), which is so unmotivating. I remember this trend continued throughout the duration of my last spell of sobriety too! Oh well, I must continue to focus on the eventual positives eh.

Support with my ASD son sounds great! Have asked for it via many avenues but he's very "high functioning" is the epitome of polite focus and intelligence at school and with family, and conducts regular shouting, threatening and violence with us. I think he would benefit from a nice prescription for adderal, but the school and the psychiatrist keep batting away ADHD as a possibility because he masks everywhere.

Morning @Sillymummies123 . I can relate to so much you are saying.

Well done for making yourself vulnerable on here. Have you done so with any one IRL?

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and alcohol certainly seems like a quick fix after a long day and many demands.
It can seem like a way to "switch off" emotionally while still being physically present. But as you are aware, it actually just compounds the stress and anxiety long term.

I am an ex-medic (quit doctoring and the NHS many years ago) and the work culture and demands placed on medical professionals are extremely unhealthy.

In addition to The Naked Mind, I found Huberman's podcast on alcohol enlightening as well as Sober powered. Especially the episodes on the effects of alcohol , withdrawal and how the brain heals during recovery from alcohol abuse disorder.

Using an app has also been a real support to me, I have tried Reframe and I am Sober (prefer I am Sober).they help by guiding you through some of "The Work".

Joining one of the threads on here with multiple posters at various stages of sobriety, and checking in EVERY DAY. Has also been a huge help.

Recovery is hard. It takes work. It isn't just; avoiding booze (for the first month or so NOT DRINKING is really the only goal) but about learning about yourself, understanding why you and working HARD to love yourself who you are.(yes, it is an addictive substance that anyone that uses it can become dependent on - every drinker is at risk of becoming a problem drinker) But we have to accept our individual situation and take the steps to fix ourselves.

For me it's about finding alternative physical comfort rather than the usual drink or eat to feel better.

I have a huge oodie and there's something very soothing about putting it on, probably because it's heavy.

On good days, a walk or a bath help distract my mind from cravings but on down days snuggling in bed or listening to music are the only things that help.

I found a thread in here that shocked me to my core. Since then I can’t contemplate drinking again because I can easily see how I’ll end up like that. It was called The Reality Of The End. I’ve also started taking things really slowly, like instead of running around trying to squeeze everything in I’m on a go slow, I’m skipping exercise classes to go for a walk, listening to sober podcasts (just listened to the sober powered one recommended above and I’m deeply hooked, and excited at having 240 to listen to!), I’m drinking cups of Earl grey tea, kombucha and fizzy water throughout the day and night, I’m using mct oil to help with cravings (also helps for sweet treats and for fasting) and I realised after the billionth time I could not moderate and felt like total shit ….. I rang my gp and told her I was concerned any my weekend binges and ages organised CBT and counselling. I could have have alcohol and lose it all, or I could have it all and lose the alcohol.

you can do this 💯🏝️♥️

ps: I’m day 11. Not done 11 days straight for years and years and years. I feel so much better 💛

Go for a private ADHD assessment for your son. They are about £1k and worth every penny! As you say, Adderall or similar might calm him down.
Also, try to pre-empt causes for meltdowns. Make sure he has healthy snacks and a drink and does nothing at all for at least an hour after school - let him zone out in front of TV or non-violent gaming, or if he is hyper, spend an hour on the trampoline or netting footballs. But up to him. No demands at all for at least an hour while he decompresses.

Try replacing alcohol with other things rather than giving it up.

I find making a really delicious long soft drink to mark the end of the working day can help: fresh apple and ginger or elderflower cordial with mint. Add sparkling water and ice cubes to get that sensory kick of the sound of the ice and the fizz on the tongue.

Or a fiery Virgin Mary made with V8 and tabasco, lemon chunks, Worcester sauce and ice.

Alcohol-free lager is really good now. Brooklyn and some of the IPAs are worth trying.

Use tapping techniques, breath-work and 5 minute meditation apps or 5 minute de-stress workouts as soon as you feel stress building.

Every morning you wake up not having drunk, do three things that reinforce how glad you are e.g. actively think: I LOVE having a clear head in the morning, have a physical reaction - pat yourself on the back or air punch or silly victory dance and then look in the mirror and smile at yourself for staying sober. (And don't give yourself a hard time if you have a drink one day - it's not like a Duolingo or AA streak. Just be very glad of the days you didn't.

Find loads of rewards that are non-alcohol related, to give yourself after a hard day or a successful day - buy magazines, books, bath products, exercise kit, music, episodes of favourite comedy shows with a mug of tea and a good cold drink or non-alcoholic beer lined up.

I quit in 2018 with a FB group called Club Soda - they don't exist in quite the same format but there are lots similar. I couldn't get on with Naked Mind - tooo.... American??? kinda salesy.

I listened to William Porter's 'Alcohol Explained' book on Audible. He's ex-army and i liked his practical approach.

What worked for me - Lots of AF beer. Checking in daily (on line). Lots of ice cream. Very smart people have had their lives ruined by alcohol (I do not identify as 'alcoholic' - whatever that is) but alcohol was harming my life. I decided that 'fighting' alcohol was like fighting a donkey - it wasn't smarter than me but it could inflict dreadful blows. It could flatten me, and be all cutsie itself. So I decided to treat alcohol like a really shit person in your life, stop trying to win. just walk away. And that was what I did, And I have never regretted it.

Alcohol: top 10 cravings busters. Is also a handy read - Ithink it's on ebay now.

I used to say to myself - 'nobody ever got up in the morning wishing they'd had more to drink last night'

Thanks for all your advice, all. Yesterday was very touch and go. I have no idea how I am on day 5 now. My brain was doing all kinds of complex gymnastics to show me how I "don't even want to quit drinking or be sober, and it's all doomed to failure anyway", but I walked into a shop and left with Heineken 0.0 and my sober brain has won some more ground!

Naked Mind is 100% the approach for me. The only issue I take is that I've definitely taken her "you have to not actually want alcohol, or you're just depriving yourself using willpower which is finite" to heart, and my addicted brain loves to reference that point during any wobble or craving as evidence that I'm not "quitting properly"

@Sillymummies123 amazing work on 5 days! Well done. The first 10 days really are the hardest.

I found this analogy republished in The Sober Diaries quite useful.

This Naked Mind was definitely the approach that clicked for me too but other points.ofnview also helped cement for me, that though I might crave a drink, I don't actually want one. I might desire one in the moment but I don't want one long term.

The I am Sober app, asked you to list (or put pictures) of your "Why" to pledge for every day and I have found it really motivating to see the pictures of DH and DC and a reminder that I want to be free daily. (It doesn't have to be an app but post-its on the bathroom mirror/fridge etc would also work)

Good luck for the rest of the weekend. IWNDWYT.

Your autistic child sounds VERY like mine (also autistic, also almost certainly has ADHD too but masks/his autism helps mask it in school). Are you autistic/ADHD yourself? Sorry if you have said and I missed it. I'm diagnosed with both, and there are most definitely links between ADHD and addiction/self-medication (lots of associated sad history in my own family due to undiagnosed relatives in older generations, before it became a recognised condition). Neurodivergence (and associated struggles) definitely tends to run in families....and can most definitely cause struggles coping with stress/juggling the demands of life!

Personally I've been sober for long ish periods before but always gone back to evening wine, to try to cope with / distract myself from the stress of work and a very neurodivergent household, so I really do get it...... although don't have any magic solutions!

My previous approach was lots and lots of exercise, but I can't now due to physical health issues, and even exercise became an unhealthy fixation for me in the past.....it isn't easy! Sorry not to have a simple answer, but I really do get it, and will read any advice on this thread with interest......

I share your views on religion and addiction too..... would almost have wondered whether I had written this myself, were it not for your job! (I could NOT cope with being a doctor!)

I suppose a big reason I didn’t do well with NM was that I was listening to her on Audible. Anyway whatever works.

well done @Sillymummies123 I 100% agree that the first days are the hardest.

Face that voice head on -
‘this is doomed to fail so I may as well drink now’ . Answer, I might not make a year, or forever, but I won’t drink this hour. I can do an hour.
‘you deserve a nice glass of wine’
answer - A GLASS of wine! Ha! Don’t you mean a bottle (cos I never stop at one), of 800calories of fatigue inducing sweetened poison. Thanks mate but I’ll try a no.

Sometimes I’d speak to ‘her’ directly- ‘Are you still here! F off you thieving sneaky liar’

I know it sounds trite but well done on realising you have a problem and tackling it.

I did not get on with AA either. I hated having to constantly think about alcohol, drove me to drinking it. 🤦🏻‍♀️ But it's not religious, some groups can be, but the higher power can be anything, it can be the summer breeze or the moon... However, I think you've decided against it so I wouldn't bother with it. There are others though like SMART recovery online which you could try.

Gratitudes help. Every morning wake up and list a set number of things you're glad of. Then when you go to bed, do it again. It's a mental health tool as well. Repetition of this does work.

Nice drinks, agree with others. Many people, AA included, say NO, non alcoholic version of drinks are the devil. I disagree, these kept me going at the beginning. Then I moved to strong tasting fizzy drinks, like tonics. Now I'm a water and coffee gal!

Don't think about what you're losing. Alcohol is not actually a loss 😂 but it won't feel like it at first. So, what are you gaining? A clear head, a head which can deal with stress. Less headaches. No more vomiting down toilets... Whatever it is for you.

Give yourself a break. I'm fortunate to have a partner who understood and supported me. So at the beginning I just stopped doing things that stressed me, went for walks when I wanted, didn't do the washing up... That kind of thing, I took time for me. I'd been doing everything before and that fed my alcohol addiction.

One minute at a time. Literally. This too shall pass. Yes that's AA, but it's true. Step back, think don't drink.

Three years sober and I don't miss alcohol at all.

I'm awaiting an assessment for ADHD. Sometimes I think "what nonsense, of course you don't have it", and then I'll be on placement in medical school during handover wanting to rib my hair out because its taking so long, and my toes are usually going mad under the table.

Thank you. VERY touch and go yesterday. I felt less "withdrawally" and so I got in the car to buy alcohol but my heart wasn't in it. At the centre of the cravings was "Its Saturday. You've got over the hump. You want to stop drinking, but you'll probably want one last bash. If you have it now, it's early enough in the process to continue on. If you wait and don't have it today, you'll have it next week and ruin everything".

I drove for a while, thought all around the feelings, decided that "if you can't stop when you feel this past the cravings, then what will ever make you stop". And I went home and sulked.

By 8pm, I felt that my night seemed no better or worse for not drinking in front of the TV, and my partner and I decided that 5pm to 8pm seem to be my danger zones.

Thank you. Agreed on AF drinks. I'm on day 7 now, and if I hadn't guzzled 3 0.0% Asahis last night, I don't think I'd have made it.

My brain is so used to having cold beers, my brain is so used to having alcohol, and I'm trying to view those as two separate habits. I don't mind the beers, I just don't want the alcohol, so I'm seeking to remove the association between beer, good times and alcohol. Ultimately, when I think of alcohol, I think of the drink and the scenario - beer gardens, beaches, and realistically the actual drug isn't needed for any of that.

Hey there,
just wanted to wish you luck with this, any kind of addiction is a huge struggle and unfortunately being British, drinking is so ingrained into our culture and social lives it can be even harder to quit. No one for example pressures an ex smoker to just have one puff of a cigarette, but decline alcohol at any family function...
I wanted to suggest that you read or watch Georgia Ede if you have the time. She is a psychiatrist who uses carbohydrate restriction to treat mental illnesses, a field called metabolic psychiatry, and anecdotally mentions that some of her patients report lessening of addictive behaviors. I don't think that there are any clinical trials on this yet, but I found it really interesting to learn about a brain healthy diet.

Best of luck, and keep the non-alcoholic drinks handy.

Totally agree about the beer but not the drug. I found really cold drinks helped. Also in the evening when a craving came I'd brush my teeth. The association with bed time plus the mint helped.

Plus gratitudes! Please remember everything you're grateful for, the smallest things are sometimes the most important.