Impossible situation with DS drinking

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't know what to do about my DS - I'm at my wit's end. She has alcohol dependency issues, has done in a major way for a couple of years now but, looking back, she's had a bad relationship with booze for many, many years. She lives a few hours away from me, she's single and lives alone. (I'm also single and live alone.) When she's sober, she's brilliant and very supportive and kind and funny. When she's drinking (for eg, this morning when I called at 10am), she's awful. My 84yo DM gets very upset and used to call me up a lot, often hysterical, as she can't cope.

I tried my best to support but with firm boundaries to protect my own mental health. About five weeks ago, though, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, recently had an operation to remove the lump, am still recovering, then next step results back and radiotherapy. They supported me straight after the operation (10 days ago) but now it's back to DS drinking and DM wanting to discuss with me. I can't do it. I realise she's not going to magically stop drinking when this has happened - if anything will make the compulsion greater but I just don't know how to deal with this any more. Looking for any advice/insight on alcohol dependency and how to help while also protecting yourself which I need do more than ever to focus on my own health and recovery.

No one can stop your DS drinking until she wants to stop. It must be so sad for your DM but you need to signpost her to other sources of support such as Al-Anon.

Radiotherapy doesn’t hurt at all when you’re being ‘zapped’ but it can make you sore and very tired. It’s going to take up all your energy when you’re still recovering from surgery, so you need to be clear that you love your DS and DM but you can’t help with your DS because you need to focus on your recovery. I had an alcoholic DP who was in recovery and in AA when I had breast cancer and he spectacularly relapsed after my diagnosis so I know how hard this is, like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde.

Also - it’s not your fault you got breast cancer and not your fault if your DS is responding by drinking more.

Speaking as a (sober) alcoholic and someone also going through a cancer diagnosis right now, your only priority is you at the moment.

It’s not an unusual dynamic in alcoholic families that one or more people take on the role of the fixer/rescuer who ends up trying to save everyone even at great cost to themselves. It can be as damaging as alcohol dependency itself. Don’t play into that dynamic at a cost to your health and wellbeing.

You need to be clear with your sister and mum that you need to focus on you and you can’t support them through helping your sister right now. You will need to set some boundaries. Ending conversations if your sister is drunk or your mum starts talking about it. You may need to hang up or you may just need to not take calls/block messages for stretches of time. This is about you and you getting healthy and you need to put yourself first for you (regardless of what anyone else does). It may feel uncomfortably brutal if you have always been a people pleaser. But you have to do it.

Thank you for this. Yes it is sad for DM but unfortunately I've signposted until the cows comes home (Al-Anon, Macmillan Support Line re my diagnosis, counselling, never any interest in seeking support from strangers as she puts it).

Sorry to hear you went through BC and caring about an alcoholic too. Thanks for the tips on radiotherapy - I know I have to save all my energy for this and the emotional impact of the whole thing too. I need to leave both of them to it tbh. Speak to them but keep my boundaries firm. Good to hear others' input, so thank you again.

Thank you, this is really helpful to read. So sorry to hear you are dealing with a cancer diagnosis too and I wish you all the very best.

It's interesting what you say about a fixer, & I think that's what DM tries to do to an extent. But my OPost probably made it sound like I'm much easier with them than I am. Even before the cancer diagnosis, I blocked and ended calls, and explained firmly about boundaries. I was called cold, hard etc. Now I don't get called that. And I've explained I won't be supporting, I rang DS 10am today and she was drunk, so I got off the phone. Elderly DM rang me to discuss this and I politely ended call. I feel sad for DM especially as it's tough at her age but she has friends and she could ring helplines etc/afford private counselling, but she won't do it.

Thank you for reinforcing for me that I must focus completely on my own recovery.

It’s difficult, but you need to put your WhatsApp status to “ busy” or “asleep” and just not pick up the phone if you need rest. I had 7 months of chemotherapy, so radiotherapy was relatively easy - but it’s all relative, that doesn’t mean I had the capacity to counsel other people at the time.

It’s almost impossible not to answer the phone to your elderly parent because it might be a medical emergency for her, but if so you will get a call from a health professional as her next of kin. It sounds as though you’ve been drained by this situation for a long time. It’s OK for it to be “all about you” for a while - it’s not selfish.

Nothing you can do to make her stop OP.

All you can do is try and train your mum to just say she’ll call later and hang up when your sister is drunk - though easier said then done I’m sure.

Right now you must prioritise yourself, so be clear and hold your boundaries with both mum and sister.