Alcoholic Sister Cut Off All Family

[Scentedjasmin]

Hi All,
I'm not sure what I really want from this thread, perhaps just someone to listen or someone who has been in a similar boat.

I have a sister in her 40s with who had/has an alcohol dependency. It is very serious and sad. She has end stage liver failure and had severe ascites, which is currently under control. She has suffered a myriad of other related health issues, such as muscle wastage, fatigue, hair thinning etc. she lives alone in a farmhouse in a very remote location. She suffers from very bad anxiety and panic disorder and, aside from hospital visits, has not left her house for 4 years. Her mental health has gradually worsened over time. She is extremely distrustful of people and very defensive. She exhibits nothing in the way of empathy towards others as is clearly only able to focus on herself and on maintaining the very tall but flimsy defenses that she has built in order to protect herself. She also exhibits traits of being paranoid.

Since being hospitalised last year and diagnosed, she has cut off all contact with family. I believe that she feels great shame and embarrassment and blames others as she is too fragile to examine her own behaviour. The way that she treats and has treated people is not normal and at times, very cruel, cutting people out of her life for the slightest perceived slight.

We lost our father at an early age to drink related issues. Our mother has always drank a lot, but functioned. Her drinking used to be worse (1-2 bottles of wine a night). Now it is around 1 bottle or a bit less a night. My wonderful step father has terminal blood cancer. My mother is finding it extremely hard to cope with the situation with her daughter and husband and has started drinking more. The drink effects her behaviour and she has emotional and irrational outbursts. She has stopped driving and lives in a very isolated area and has no local friends. She is very anti drs and counselling so not easy to help amd also gets very defensive and has outbursts.

I feel extremely worried for the health of my sister and I want to help, but she absolutely hates me. She cut me out of her life many years ago when i had children. We do not know the reason, other than believe it connected to me having children. She has never wanted her own, but I feel is resentful of the attention that they get from my mum and step father. She is extremely distrustful of me and believes that I mean her harm, when the opposite could not be more true. We believe that she has stopped drinking, but her long term prognosis is poor without a transplant. I do not know how she would cope with that, particularly with very limited support.

I am worried about my mother, her drinking and how she is coping and will cope when inevitably her husband passes away and if my sister does. I also worry how I will cope caring for my mother when she makes little effort to help herself. I cannot be around her at all if she has been drinking. It's just too triggering for me. I hate alcohol and all that it has done to our family. I have lost my father to it and am losing both my sister and mother to it, as well as dealing with my step father, who is the most wonderful lovely normal man in the world.

I think that what I am struggling with the most is the feeling of helplessness. I am finding it hard to accept that I cannot help my sister and that my interference would only make her worse mentally and could drive her back to drink. I would desperately like to see her reconnect with some family, make friends or receive some kind of support. We just want to see her happy.

The other issue that I have is dealing with the cruelty of her behaviour and the awful way she has treated other throughout her life. Even before she became unwell, or was drinking heavily, she has always been very unkind and disparaging of others. I wonder whether I have actually felt too sorry for her at times and cut her too much slack in my own mind and whether she needs to start to grow up and take accountability for some of her own behaviour and treatment of others.

Sorry that this has been such a long post. I think that just want to come to terms with the fact that i really can't help her and be at peace with that.

@Scentedjasmin - I’m so sorry you are going through this - it sounds awful and exhausting.

I am the problem drinker in our family (currently day 10 AF) and I know I have put my family through hell - although thankfully my health is ok and I am actively trying to stop and grateful they are supporting me.

I don’t have any great words of wisdom I’m afraid other than to say you need to somehow care for yourself. You are right that you cannot help her if she does not accept help. She may not actually hate you but may feel ashamed and possibly even resentful that she ended up with an alcohol problem and you didn’t given you have alcoholic parents. Addiction makes us very selfish and at times bitter people - I have at times wallowed in self pity that I ended up where I am - even though I have had so much help and support - may undeservedly so.

After years of alcohol abuse, her brain and cognitive function will have been affected and it may not fully recover, even if she manages to stay dry.

Have you sought out any help/support for yourself? Al anon get a good rep so you might consider them. Good luck.

I'm sorry OP. I can relate to some of your story in some ways because your sister and mother are my mother. She died enmeshed in alcoholism alone and unloved because she alienated herself and made it very difficult to even like her, let alone love her. I don't know what else to say because I don't have any answers but I can send empathy and a hand hold. I hope you have love in your life x

You could get a lot from Al Anon which is the sister fellowship to AA and is specifically set up to help families and friends of alcoholics. They have online and in person meetings.

I would reach out to NACOA. You and your sister have both experienced a lot of trauma as children of alcoholics. You’ve just handled it differently. Your sister has mimicked the coping mechanisms of your parents. You have taken on a more rescuer role, which can be no less damaging in a lot of ways. It’s still an unhealthy coping mechanism.

You need to focus on healing yourself. It’s not at all surprising that your sister has isolated herself from people who’ve caused her so much pain. Even you. You didn’t do the damage, your parents did. But you lived through it with her and that will no doubt make that relationship with you really painful. She needs to protect herself and that may be by closing the doors on family to stay safe (I know this was the only solution for me when it came to healing and staying sober). I think you need to respect her right to do that,

Instead of focusing on your sister and your mum’s dysfunction, focus on yourself. You can only change you. There is a lot of support out there through Al Anon, but I think this is bigger than that, so I would go through NACOA and see where they can direct you to get you some support for you, not support for you to fix anyone else.

Thank you so much for all your kind and thoughtful messages. You have given me some good advice here which i will take on board. That's interesting about my rescuer role. It is something that I do generally and i had never linked it previously to growing up in an environment where I had to help and hold things together.

That's also a good point about my sister just wanting to cut off all family because of the memories that it invokes.

Thank you for taking the time out to listen and respond. It means a lot. And good luck on your own journeys. X

Interesting and the NACOA info is useful. Focus on yourself - you cannot help her znymore. My exh is like this and I distanced myself and children from him and life ux so much better without witnessing his daily trauma of addiction.
Wishing you the best x