to leave my drink dependant partner or not

[Freddie15VES]

i’ve been with my partner 10 years now and we have 2 young children, youngest is 4 months. he drinks excessively, he’s never aggressive, never affects us financially but i’m not happy. i’m lied to regularly about his alcohol consumption and i find hidden empty cans of beer everywhere around the house. he has awful mood swings, especially when he’s had a beer. constantly has the shakes, insanely high blood pressure etc

his drink takes a priority over me, i’ve told him it bothers me yet he carries on. tonight for example i caught him drinking in secret, i said i don’t like that it’s worrying me yet he still drank some cans that were in the fridge. i once found him secretly drinking by the wheelie bins at the side of our house and i once found he’d put wine into a sports bottle so he could drink and it’d just appear to be water

where do i even start with leaving; we own a home together and i wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage by myself. i’m in the UK so would i need to apply for council housing? i don’t want my kids growing up without their dad but i can’t live or progress my life with a liar and someone who time and time again will keep behaving the exact same

or do i take a completely different approach and force him to get help? force that drs appointment, couple therapy etc

so many thoughts running through my head, do i keep trying? do i take the kids and run? will the kids cope with parents who aren’t together?

before anyone says ‘it’s been 10 years why have you stayed this long etc’ i love him, i really do. he’s a good dad, he’s good to me. but i feel like ive just hit my breaking point of being lied to time and time again

He's an addict OP, lying is par for the course. Will he admit/does he recognise he has a problem or is he deep in denial? Unfortunately you can't force someone to engage with help if they don't want to, it needs to be his choice - and unfortunately alcohol addiction damages the part of the brain responsible for decision making and good judgement.

Do you have any family you could go and stay with for now to get some distance and to perhaps make him realise what he stands to lose if he doesn't sort himself out? Obviously it's no guarantee that he'll make the right decisions but at least it'll give you a bit of time and space to think about your next steps.

Also consider contacting Al-anon for some support. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

IAM sorry you are experiencing this OP. IME I am afraid it will not get better and it will not be good for your DC to live in this environment.
I'd suggest joining Al-Anon or a similar support group for the partners of alcoholics. This will give you support and enable you to plan your exit.
I know how very difficult and daunting it seems but I wish very much that I had freed myself and my DC much sooner than I did.
Very best wishes for the future.

You need to leave for your dc sake.
It won’t be easy but you can do it.

It does affect you financially because he hides money to spend on alcohol.

Are his mood swings not aggressive?

Addicts call it dependency but that sort of softens it doesn’t it. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m alcohol dependent. The effect on him, you and your DC’s is the same.

It’s not easy to leave but if you think he will change, he won’t. If you think he can tackle his problem are you prepared for the very difficult support role that you will play and the continuous disappointment and the fear of it happening again?

If not then find support to leave because your idea of what is normal is already skewed. A good husband and father doesn’t drink alcohol in secret behind the wheely bins or have his family on an emotional rollercoaster with lying, worry and mood swings.

thanks all. everything you’re saying is right

i’m just worried that them being without a dad/from a broken home will be worse than them living with him

currently it doesn’t affect our lives in the sense that you wouldn’t really know he drank like he does, as they’re so young. i haven’t grown up around alcohol abuse like this so im not sure what kind of affect i’d expect it to have on them growing up?

I grew up with my parents separated. At one time I felt jealous of my half siblings getting to have "our" dad at home when I would just see him now and then. Not long ago, now we're all grown up, I had a conversation with my half brother about it. He told me how horrible it was with him at home and both him and my half sister think they would have had a happier home life without him.

Maybe different circumstances as there was no drinking involved, but being brought up in a single parent household is far from the worst thing in the world.

Your children will see him drunk, they will see him choose alcohol over them, time and again, as you see him do with you now. They will be affected by his mood swings, learning to tread carefully. He will let them down, repeatedly.

How are they to learn good boundaries? Think about how it affects your self esteem and how it will affect theirs. You don’t have to google far to learn the effects on children.

Strangers on the internet can offer limited support so you will need to reach out IRL. As he ever tried to stop, do you think he could? How long has he been like this and does he want help?

You can't force him to stop. And he likely won't be able to.

Alcoholism killed my uncle aged 47, and nearly killed my other uncle at 45. Don't underestimate that he's doing to his organs and his brain with the alcohol.

Set yourself free, ignore his promises to change that he can't keep, and put your DC first because he's never going to be able to.

Have you had the conversation with him, OP?

Does he know that if he doesn't stop drinking, he will lose his family?

People can and DO stop drinking if they want it badly enough, although I'm sure it's not the majority.

He needs to recognise that he has a problem and get proper support to understand the reasons and to have a life without alcohol.

I agree with all of this. I thought for a long time that my DC were too young to realise what was going on and were not affected by their father's drinking. I was completely wrong. They learned from a very young age not to tell me when he had been drinking because they did not want to upset me, but they knew and were distressed by it. I wish I had rescued all of us much earlier.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this OP.

I assume you have discussed his heavy drinking with him and told him he's putting his family at risk? If so, unfortunately you are best off leaving. He is an addict. His drinking is first priority, everything else comes second.

At some point in the not too distant future he will struggle to function and hold down a job, maintain a home etc. You can't force him to seek help- the desire to recover needs to be driven by him.

I also would not want to expose children to this.

From a practical point of view, can you go and speak to a solicitor? I'd want to push for supervised visits in your shoes as he doesn't sound safe to take responsibility for the children.

he’s woken up this morning and apologised for yesterday. part of me feels like just accepting it and moving on but i know again in a few weeks it’ll happen again and we’ll fall out over it again. i feel at such a loss on what to do

we’ve had this before, fall out over it, promise to change, happens for a couple of days, then it’s back to normal habits

told him i’m thinking of getting some space and taking the kids to my mums for a few days. his response ‘okay go then’

The part of you that wants to accept it is the part that really wants to believe that this time he can make the change and you can get your life back and genuinely move on.

His response to you needing some space is "ok then go" but that is upheaval for you and the kids and he probably knows (or believes) that you are not going to do this. Again, he takes no responsibility.

Can he not go somewhere to give you space?

Because the alternatives are a struggle that you are probably too tired, physically and emotionally to do right now. Try to get some support IRL to give you the strength you need to make some positive steps.

If you're not ready to leave, then look at some self care strategies and boundaries.

Maybe start looking here Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Google adult children of alcoholics.

I'm such an adult child. Your children will know. They will feel shame.

He's sorry today but will it change anything?

Alcoholism isn't static either. He could decline.

You should make plans to leave. Change needs to come from him.

@Binman you’re so so right - the only thing stopping me from taking my kids to my parents is the complete upheaval of everything, packing my stuff and their stuff etc cots, toys, play gyms etc its a lot! i’ve said i want to talk this evening, so will ask him then if he’ll go and stay at his parents. the issue is (and unsurprisingly) his dads a raging alcoholic too, beers and a bottle of whiskey a day. so i feel as though he would just get worse there, as his dad offers him a beer at 10 in the morning when we visit at the weekends. i do feel different this time, i care about him. but i care about me and my babies more

my dad had a problem with drink when i was younger - he wasn’t an alcoholic but i would say he definitely had a problem with drink. he would drink a little too much and could be aggressive at times if you pushed him too far, once pushed me against a wall by my neck cos i told my sister to fuck off and once he threw a newspaper at me. i love my dad, but im 33 and these things have stuck with me. the mood swings and treading on egg shells never knowing how his mood would be. now he’s older he’s got a handle on his drink so so so much better but i see a lot of my dads behaviour in my partner

i have contacted the support network and they’ve advised i go to a meeting which im not sure i feel ready for just yet to actually attend a face to face meeting overwhelms me

i did think of some couples therapy - more so, so that he can hear from someone else for once that it’s not fucking normal and it’s ruining our relationship

I will second the advice of PPs to check out Al Anon. They are amazing, understand the complexities of managing a relationship with an alcoholic and provide support /a listening, understanding, non judgemental ear.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

Unfortunately op, your upbringing is skewing your thinking here.

Couples therapy won't change a thing. Only he can do that. It has to come from him. I'd suggest your own therapist though to help you navigate this.

Al anon would also be good for you. Could you start online if a face to face meeting feels too much?

@SquishyGloopyBum exactly this. i’m letting him get what support he needs and wants but im also looking into some for myself