I just wish my Mum wasn’t an alcoholic

[ShakeYourTambourine]

NC for this.

All I want is for my Mum not to be an alcoholic. It’s all I want and I know it’s just not possible but I don’t know how to ever accept it.

She’s been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember - about 25 years - since I was a young child.

Childhood was rough. She “raised” us as her and my Dad were divorced. We saw Dad every other weekend.

It was awful.

I could understand it all and possibly even forgive if she wasn’t still an alcoholic but she is. She was sober for a few years in my late teens/early twenties so she can do it. But she can’t. Won’t. I don’t know.

She lives alone now. Unemployed. Living in squalor. No friends. No hobbies. No life.

When I had my first baby 5 years ago I realised what I was missing. All of my NCT friends waxed lyrical about their super star Mums who they “just couldn’t do this without”. I had no one. Not even a mother in law. Not even my Dad (who lives miles away and I see twice a year). Nothing. No one.

I’m jealous. I’m jealous of everyone I know who has a Mum. I don’t speak to my Mum anymore - I couldn’t cope with such a one-sided relationship. She hasn’t tried to get back in touch.

I just feel so sad, angry and lonely. I’ve had a huge amount of therapy over the years but I don’t think I’ll ever not wish things were different. It hurts so much.

Can anyone relate? Feeling really fragile today.

Massive hugs to you all
My father is an alcoholic. He has been since before I was born.

Childhood was tough. Every day at school, as soon as lunch was over, I would worry about what ' mood' he would be in when I got home. If I went out and had a nice time the journey home would bring the same feeling of dread.
I'd often try and fake an illness just to stay at home all day to keep an eye on how much he was drinking.

The arguments were relentless. Over the most stupidest things.

Birthdays and Christmases often ruined because he chose to drink into oblivion. When I blew out my cake candles, my wish would always, always be for dad to stop drinking and us all be happy.

Having friends over was out of the question . I would have been mortified if they knew what life was like for me. I think it made them think I was weird anyway not having any parties or sleepovers.

I remember laying in bed and imagining my Life if dad didn't drink. How we would all be happier and not walking on eggshells constantly. I genuinely thought if he could just get sober then I could finally be happy and not have a care in the world.

Now I'm an adult with my own dc and I couldn't imagine putting them through that. They've never seen me drink. Dp tells me that it's good to let them see us drinking responsibly, to teach them it's ok to have an occasional drink. I just couldn't.
I know having a glass of wine at a wedding cannot be compared to living with an alcoholic, but I still can't even do that.

When I look at my dc innocent little faces and imagine them literally on their knees, crying and begging for me to stop drinking, it breaks my heart unimaginably.
I wonder how my dad could do that to his own children.
And then I feel sad for him. He's wasted his whole life being an alcoholic. He's lost his chance of a solid relationship with his children and grandchildren. He's been plagued by illness after illness. He has nothing in his life to be proud of.

It's just sad all round, for everyone involved.

Hi, I don’t know if anyone will see this but I’ve had a bad weekend with my mum and I know people on this thread will be able to relate! I nearly cried at work when they asked me what I’d done at the weekend and I said I’d been to see my mum and they said ‘oh lovely’. I’m trying to be more honest with people but I wasn’t about to stand in the office and say ‘it wasn’t lovely actually, she’s an alcoholic with histrionic/ narcissistic personality disorder (undiagnosed but she ticks every box).
i know going no contact is an option but the trouble is she’s not all bad. When we were kids she would go through sober spells and as long as we all basically toed the line, she would be ok. But when she was drinking it was pretty awful. Even without the drinking she has a personality disorder and is rude, embarrassing and self important but add alcohol in as well. I remember going to weddings as a young child and her draping herself over terrified looking men with that drunk droopy eyes look. And just saying rude things to people.
But she has done some things to help me quite recently, she’s somehow been extremely lucky with money- a combination of inheritance, being frugal in every way apart from the alcohol and getting very lucky with her house value increasing massively. As such she contributed to our house deposit last year. How can I just cut her out now.
But She’s a horrible person now, there is some alcohol induced dementia which makes her even worse because if she’s forgotten something and you point it out, it will somehow be your fault. I have a very long suffering step dad who has stuck around for half my life- 20 years, god knows why! She’s horrible to him, like a toddler who kicks off if he annoys her at all. I’m babbling now. Anyway, I don’t know what I want from this, maybe some understanding from people who don’t have the lovely family set up that others seem to have. Maybe I need encouragement to go non contact.

Oh God it is so tough. Do you know anyone in the same boat @ShakeYourTambourine my parents had/have other issues and in later years my mother turned to alcohol. Im NC to protect myself from them and initially at least the grief was absolutely horrendous. My saving grace has been my best friend who has a similarly dysfunctional family set up. We can chat about it openly and it really helps. I find people with normal families tend to be minimising and dismissive because they simply cannot get their head around the dynamics.

I can relate @MouseAnony I saw my Mum recently for the first time since January, at a family occasion. It was meant to be a happy day and it should have been easy, but her being there was so hard. I was civil but I just didn’t want to be near her. It took seeing her to make me realise I don’t actually miss her. I feel so so very sad that she’s not a part of my life and that she’s missing seeing her grandchildren grow up but I know I’ve made the right decision to go NC. It’s never, ever easy.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic. He wouldn't see himself as one. He is mean as hell when he drinks. It is a lonely place having an addict parent.

Thank you. Do you mind me asking how you went nc? What did you say? What did she say? I also feel terrible abandoning my step dad to her but I know that’s not logical.

That was aimed at @ShakeYourTambourine

It really is 😕

@MouseAnony something really insignificant acted as a trigger and I realised I’d just had enough. I realised she hadn’t been a parent to me in a very long time and that there was nothing for me to gain from the relationship. I was only entertaining it for her benefit, but the cost was my mental health so I decided to finally put myself first.

I told her why I was going NC and what I would need to see her do/change for me to be prepared to start talking again. She hasn’t tried to change so I guess she’s made her choice. She does love playing the victim and she’ll be wallowing around feeling sorry for herself instead of trying to change. As a parent, I just can’t understand that at all.

@ShakeYourTambourine thanks so much for sharing. Do you mind me asking how that actually played out? She sounds very similar to my mum with the self pitying. Part of the reason I don’t go nc is because I can’t face the fall out, the drama, the self pity. She will either shout and call me names (and possibly lash out physically), shout about how hard her life has been/ is or do her harrowing drunken weeping, which for some reason still leaves me feeling sorry for her. I just feel like it will be easier to keep visiting 3 weekends a year. But even just writing that i know the answer is to put myself first (and my kids but I do protect them from it, they see her very fleetingly and are whisked away as soon as I think she’s started drinking). Thank you for replying

Thanks for starting this thread @ShakeYourTambourine. My father is a lifelong alcoholic and I’m still reeling from my childhood. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a normal loving dad, and I don’t know anyone in the same position as me. I went NC ten years ago, and apart from me sending him a letter when I discovered he was in prison, and his gaslighting response, I’ve heard nothing from him.

I was his only child and lived with him when I was younger. He drank himself unconscious most days, drunk drove with me in the car, made me answer the door to bailiffs and generally used me as a sounding board/emotional pawn… still for years I tried to have a relationship with him and make him love me. I gave up trying just before my DD was born, so he’s never met my kids.

I’ve recently gone back to therapy as I’ve become really triggered by my DD turning the age I was when things got bad for me. It’s so painful to realise so many things about what happened and to still be processing that trauma 30 years on.

Love to everyone here. None of us asked for the parents or childhoods that we got, yet we live with the consequences. I am working really hard to break those cycles though, as it seems is everyone else here.

I'm so sorry OP. I completely understand.

There is an organisation called Al-Anon which is for relatives of alcoholics. They have weekly meetings and talk and hopefully heal a little bit. Would you consider going to a meeting?

I was that alcoholic mum when my eldest was small, and it's still very hard to forgive myself although she, the amazing woman that she is, has forgiven me 100fold.

I won't make excuses - it was someone I was for too many years due to stuff that had happened to me, but I wish I had been tougher and thought of her first instead of being an emotionally absent selfish mother.

I just have to think about the things she missed out on, to be furious with myself, and I can never get those years back.
But, I've been sober for a very long time now, and it's amazing. I really do feel for all of you and I hope that your mother, op, can get through it, or that you can have a good life. I'm so sorry

Sorry everyone, I want to reply to posts but I’m really struggling with it all at the moment and find it too difficult to join in the conversation. I’m going to step away from the thread for now but please do keep using it if you find it helpful.

You do what you need to do @ShakeYourTambourine much love to you.

It can be very triggering, my whole childhood is a bit of a blur now - presumably because it was best to block it all out. God knows how my mother functioned in that state raising 4 kids I just hid the truth (all four of us did). We just got out one by one as soon as we could to get away from her. She didn't even manage to drink herself to death!! Slowly she got worse and worse, had a massive heart attack and was on a life support machine for almost 9 months.. came through all that and went back home and carried on drinking 🤦‍♀️ I ended up being a young adult carer and it was a completely thankless task. When she eventually died many years later from cancer all I felt was relief. Alcohol always comes first, it's a serious illness and only the person pouring that shit down their neck can change it.

So sorry to everyone on this thread.

My parents were not alcoholics, but narcissistic sadists.

Every major stage of life has been triggering for me, particularly having children and them reaching various stages. Hearing others talk about the love and support they receive or have received from their parents.

Sounds really awful but I feel like the only time it will pay off for me will be when they die and I don't feel the loss that others feel, maybe won't grieve with the sadness they do.

I suffered child sexual abuse and was date raped twice as a teenager (drugged) but the main sadness, traumatic flashbacks etc that I suffer from today in my forties are from the way I was treated as a child by my parents. The feeling that something must be fundamentally wrong with me never leaves.

And those who haven't suffered it will never understand.

I'm so sorry to you all.

I'm currently at my mums who has been an alcoholic for 30 years. She's dry now but only because she has Korsakoffs. My whole childhood has been rewritten in her brain, she has forgotten about et he neglect and the indifference she showed us. Alcohol has killed so many members of my family, I am now teetotal, I'm braking the cycle for my own children.

My Mum was an alcoholic for the last 15 Years, until she almost lost her life 3 years ago - massive haemorrhaging from the inside, huge life changing operation, coma, a long intensive care stay then various other health complications associated with alcohol. Although she's somewhat 'independent' now her health is still very bad and she's fed through a tube.
I hated every single day she was an alcoholic, every memory I have from her involves alcohol.
The day my first DC was born I remember her leaning over the hospital bed to kiss me and she smelt of booze.
My heart has hurt for so many years wishing I had a 'normal' Mum. I'm now her carer and my heart still hurts, I don't think it will ever not.
Thoughts with all of you 

My dad is the same. However claims to be clean and sober now. Lies about going to AA, has done for years now - gets nasty if anyone dares question his "sobriety" - when any one can spot a mile off that he's had a drink. Laughable really even my mums dog knows when he's had a drink and she stays out of his way.

I've pretty much zero relationship with him now. My mum for reasons only known to her is still with him, and I've had to step away a bit as it was causing mine and hers relationship to suffer as I struggled to come to terms with her putting up with the lies, verbal abuse and on the odd occasion domestic violence. I'm always there for her and we do lots together she just doesn't really discuss him much now. I feel sorry for DS(7) who adores him, but a lot of the time when he stays overnight at their house (not often, once every 6/8weeks) my dad will choose to go out to an "AA meeting" (and come back stinking of booze) rather than see him, even if he's not seen him for weeks/months prior to that. I'll be civil at best to him, and that's only for my mums benefit as in the past I've told him what I think of him and she gets the blame for "turning me against him"

It's sad. I'm in my 30's now and I'd say he's been like this on and off since my early teens. I don't have any real nice memories of childhood with him either, as I think before he "gave up" drinking, alcohol was always an issue I remember running out to a relatives early hours of the morning when I was about 9/10 as I couldn't stand the arguing anymore and it hated family parties as he'd always get horrifically drunk and nasty. I moved out when I was 17 & into a relationship with an controlling horrible older man that took up most of my 20's, and I think on some level I resent my dad for that as I really don't think I'd have jumped ship like that if I hadn't been so desperate to get away from him.

Wow that was a much longer post that I thought, I don't think I've ever written it down (and tbh it's probably the tip of the iceberg I've so many horrible memories)

Love to everyone in this thread that has been through similar x