Husbands drinking

[Malco]

DH drinks every night without fail, between 4 - 10 cans or beer. To him, 4 cans is a good night as apparently he used to drink a lot more than even 10 beers. (This was hidden from me. He slept in another room as I couldn’t cope with the beer breath and snoring).
He never has a day off from drinking.

I recently paid for him to have a private blood test which showed that his B vitamins were completely depleted and on the report stated that this can be due to alcoholism.

I’m not really sure what the point of this thread is, but I’ve been living with it for so long that it’s become normal to me too.

I have asked him to cut down, have a couple of alcohol free days etc but he just blames everything on work stress and says he will but to him 4 cans is good.

If his vitamins are that bad, what is the next stage?

I’m sorry but what do you want us to say? He is obviously an alcoholic and, I presume, a functioning one. I don’t understand why you would waste money on a blood test for him. It clearly has made no difference to his attitude to alcohol. As for the next stage you can find that information on the internet but it will include a lack of appetite and organ damage. He may start to have accidents while he is drunk. If he simply stops, he will have fits so drinking has to be tapered off. The best you can do is join Al Anon and get some support. Al Anon’s first advice is that you look after yourself. Remember the mantra:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
The only hope for most alcoholics is that they will seek help but they generally only do this when they reach rock bottom. And rock bottom is far lower than you can possibly imagine.
Please don’t waste money on rehab unless he really wants to do it. Your GP will know of local support groups (other than AA) but, again Your DH has to want to stop drinking.
If you have DC then you really need to consider if you want them living in the same house as your DH.
In the meantime, please look after yourself.

Thank you. I’m not sure what I want anyone to say really.

I’ve been living with the stress of this for so long that I guess I am desensitised to it?? It’s my normal like it’s his normal to drink everyday.

He is functioning as he runs his own business etc.

And you're right, I did waste my money on the blood test as he just got defensive about the results.

I’m just worn down by it all. I will contact Al Anon.

You need to leave him to sort himself out. Express you are concerned and you care about him and want the best for him, but don't try to control him. For me, it was the comments about the drinking (however accurate they were!), the checking on how much I was drinking, the trying to get me to not drink so much or have a day off, that drove me to be even more secretive.

If he has a drinking problem (which it sounds like he does), he needs to come to accept that himself and to make those changes. No amount of force from your end will do it. What did help me though, was simply knowing my husband supported me and was worried about me and wanted me to be healthier and happier...but it was done in a way that mostly didn't make me feel like a child.

The good thing is that if he stops, he will likely bounce back once the inflammation subsides and his nutrition and nutrient absorption improves. My bloods were completely normal within 4 weeks after I stopped.

I second the recommendation of Al Anon or another support group for people with problem drinkers in their lives.

Hi, I don't have any advice but just wamted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm in a similar position with my partner, although he has made some efforts to cut down. For him it always seems to sneak back in though.
It's very hard and stressful on and off but I'm slowly coming to realise that I can't control it.

Hi there @Malco

I'm sorry to read this. Your life must be very restricted because of this. I imagine you have to pick up a lot of the adulting and must be treading on eggshells a lot of the time.

Do you have children?

It's no way to live life, as I'm sure you know.
The amount and regularity of his drinking is problematic and dangerous, unfortunately.

As an PP said - Al Anon is a good start for support:

You can only live your own life. His drinking is not normal or ok, however insistent he is that he's no different to others.

Have you been able with to speak to any support services yet? You deserve a happy life yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this. X

Next steps for me would be to get his liver tested

I have no words of advice but I sympathise as I am in a very similar position. Been with DH for over 20 years and he has always been drinking. It took me a long time to realise how problematic it was, because he is never nasty, never seems drunk, holds down a job no problem, has always been reasonably fit… but he is mid forties now and it starts to show. He sleeps poorly and goes to bed to late, and it shows on his face. He has started to put on weight and his fitness is declining. Weekend mornings are always spent in bed. He has always had a poor memory but it’s become so bad in recent years! He knows he has a problem and I have been very open about how it makes me feel many times in the past. I miss him, I would love to go for a nice early morning walk at the weekend, go for a hike or a run with him, or even go to bed at the same time - almost every night he stays up late because he is drinking. He has tried to cut down many times in the past, but it always creeps back in very quickly. I feel so miserable about it and I am so very worried about his health. And sometimes I get so angry with him. It’s like having to sit there every night watching him bang his head against a wall while burning money. He knows it’s bad for him, he can’t really afford it, he will be tired and cranky and have a sore head in the morning, but he still chooses to do it every single night. And I can’t say anything, because that will just make him feel worse. I am getting to the point where I feel like my only choice is to leave or stay here and watch the man I love slowly drinking himself to death. It’s breaking my heart and I have no idea what to do.
I have been thinking of joining Al Anon, but that seems full of people who are with non-functioning alcoholics, if that makes sense. People who are awful when they are drunk, violent and abusive, or drink themselves into oblivion. But DH isn’t like that. So I am not sure if Al Anon would be for me.
Sorry OP - no advice at all, but as I said,
I sympathise, it’s fucking awful!

@Hanswurst I could have written most of your post. From my limited research it sounds like a lot of alcoholics or problem drinkers are functional. If you can go to an Al Anon meeting they would definitely welcome you and listen to you.

In some ways I think it's harder when they're high functioning, it makes any issues harder to spot.

@Hanswurst I could also have written your post. I have been with my partner 20 years now. I've issued the ultimatums, we've had the agreements to cut down. He went to see a psychologist about depression but didn't like the psychologist because he thought the psychologist was focused on his drinking - the psychologist obviously saw the problem but my partner is in such denial that it just annoyed him. He doesn't drink during the day, he doesn't hide his drinking, he doesn't become abusive, but come five o'clock the wine bottle comes out, followed by the whisky. Most nights I go to bed alone and he falls asleep in front of the TV. He's older than me. I fully expect his health to just keep declining. I've got him to agree to one alcohol free night - but he just drinks more the next night. Leaving seems like such an upheaval, selling the house and splitting up our little pet family, and he's so lovely in so many other ways, so i just feel stuck

@thedogdidgood that sounds really sad. Have you had any support for yourself? Al Anon are very welcoming, although personally I struggle with how passive they are. Do you have family and friends who know the situation?

Thank you @StosbyNillsAndCash No. I live in rural NSW so any meetings would be too 'public'. The only person who knew was my best friend who died so I have no-one to talk to IRL that doesn't know him. You know that we that WE stay loyal, in spite of the broken promises? I think people are obviously aware that he drinks too much as he makes joking references to being an 'alcoholic' . But I don't think anyone takes it seriously as he's 'highly functioning'. I started asking him years ago to cut down as he'd end up with ED. We're sadly at that stage now. I'm just waiting for his liver to go. He's older than me - is a youthful (in other ways) 70 year old, but his body can't survive this abuse forever.

Sorry @Malco I have no advice - but you're not alone. x

It worries me that these people are driving on our roads potentially over the limit most days and mornings.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my brother is also an alcoholic so I know how it impacts on the mum and family life.

I also know unless they want to change it's so so hard to make them stop.

My DH drinks more than I like occasionally but if I do pull him on it he reduces for a while, I have to keep reminding him and I'm very direct, I will tell him it's a relationship killer for me and I have low tolerance of him.

Do you think a real direct approach would work? Do you want to live this life with him?

I recommend reading, "alcohol explained" by William Porter
It won't solve your problem but it gives an explanation as to where your drinkers are up to and gives you the facts.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic. All I will say is children remember their parents drinking, if any of you have children please consider them if your partner is drinking, it’s not as hidden as you think it is. As I got older I never brought friends home as he always had a drink in his hand, it was embarrassing as my friends parents weren’t like my dad.

I'm so sorry. It must be dreadful for you to watch. Very sadly, he will only change if he recognises that he needs to and makes the effort.

It may be worth pointing out that alcohol can still affect your drink-driving limit, even if you no longer "feel drunk" after a few hours. According to this: The Morning After Calculator – The Morning After | When will you be safe to drive? (morning-after.org.uk) (this is NOT intended as a "how much maximum can I drink before driving?!" tool), if you drink 4 x 500ml cans of beer in an evening and finish at midnight, it will be at least 9.00am before you are safely under the legal limit to drive. If it's 10 cans and he stops at midnight, it will be at least 9pm the following night before he's "safe" to drive - by which time I'm guessing he'll have already opened the first of that night's session?* *

I'm really sorry - but he may well be risking more than his own health with this.

I'm sure Al-Anon will be helpful. It's not just for folk with raging and obviously-apparent alcoholics. I am a former drinker myself - never was I to be found face-down in the local park with the shambling winos, but at my worst I used to drink a lot more then they probably did. I am no better than those poor sods, I just was better at hiding it. Good luck with it - you're not signed up to them for life if you find they're not for you.

I hope things will improve and wish you happier times ahead. x

How would he react to being called an alcoholic?