If you or your partner were a high functioning alcoholic

[LePetitMarseillias]

And you stopped your problematic drinking, what helped?

@LePetitMarseillias - its the old story - I was (high functioning) until I wasn't. I tried to stop many many times. I tried everything - counselling, therapy, AA/other recovery groups, medication (acamprosate and disulfiram), white knnuckling, wellbeing courses, every quit lit/podcast going. I lost my job, was hospitalised, found drunk in a hedge, got a bus to the middle of nowhere and staggered home in the dark, ruined umpteen holidays and special occassions........the list is endless.

In the end though, I just got to the point where I couldn't put my family (or myself) through any more.

That said, I am only 34 days AF so still a long way to go. But this time feels different. I've had the opportunity to drink with people knowing and without people knowing, but I genuinely have not wanted to. The biggest mind set change is focussing on what I am gaining and not what I am giving up. A meme that resonated with me was to think about these two scenarios....."imagine yourself living a life without alcohol" versus "imagine yourself living a life without an alcohol problem".....it really showed me that my life would be truly better without it.

Good luck to you/your partner/both of you as alcohol is an insidious beast and has the potential to ruin your life and everything good in it.

My SIL was "high functioning" for many years. So high functioning in fact that she felt she was immune to anything bad affecting to her. She never sought help from anyone (family, friends, medical profession) and blamed any illnesses on migraines, builder's dust, builder's tools (she had recently had an extension built), the air quality in the city she lived in, the menopause. She pretty much hid her alcoholism from everyone she knew.

She passed away a couple of weeks ago in hospital, in a coma, hooked up to many tubes and her liver too bad to recover. We all knew she liked a drink, we didn't know how much until it was too late. There were some sorry sights in that hospital, some had been there many months. SIL was there only two weeks because there was nothing they could do. If she had been there six months earlier, who knows? She was 53, had been drinking socially for over 30 years.

My advice would be not keep it a secret by excusing symptoms with other possible illnesses that hide what's really happening to your body. To ask family or friends to help when struggling with keeping healthy and allow them to help and support you. To not refuse to see the doctor or not believe what they say. To take another person in with you when you do see the doctor. To go to the hospital when your nearest and dearest call an ambulance and not refuse to go by signing waivers and stating that you're fine.

She has left behind devastated parents, a brother and a partner, all of whom had no idea how ill she was.

Get rid of the 'high functioning' bit. Nearly all alcoholics are high functioning. There's very few of us who made it to being homeless and selling our bodies for booze. Most alcoholics are of the work hard, play hard successful sort. Other than my husband, absolutely no one in my life would believe me if I told them I was an alcoholic. I was not falling over at parties embarrassing myself. I didn't lose my job. Or my house. I looked like I drank normally enough (because other people only saw the normal drinking). Anyway, what I'm saying is don't get hung up on that label. If drinking is pulling you under, it's a problem, whether you look high functioning to others or not.

Anyway, there are 3 things I'd say worked for me. (1) I hated the term 'sober curious' (still do, sounds really wanky!) but basically, I became sober curious. I spent a few years before I got sober, circling around sober people and looking in from the outside trying to understand how they did it, what made them so happy, what made them successful and what they did. I listened to sober podcasts, I got a AF drinks subscription box, I read quit lit, I followed sober instagram accounts. Basically, I started dipping my toe in and trying to understand how other people did this thing I couldn't get my head around.

(2) I didn't make the change until I was ready. I know there is a lot of narrative around it's just an excuse to put off stopping because you'll never be ready if you keep waiting for that magic moment when you're ready. But honestly, I think being ready was key. I was really just done. I was over it all. I was miserable. There was no 'rock bottom' per se, I was just tired. And I was faced with the fact that my drinking wasn't going to change, like I was never going to be someone who could have a glass of wine and switch to fizzy water, I was always going to be someone who drank 2-3 bottles of wine a day. So either I carried on as I was - and probably dropped dead in the not too distant future - or I made the leap and did something about it. I got through the school holidays, I cleared my work schedule, made a plan and stopped because I was ready.

(3) I found a support community. I paid to join a sober support group (I'm still a member, still pay monthly, a month of support costs the same as a box of wine I'd be buying daily - so very good value for money!). If AA resonates with you, there are lots of AA meetings out there. There are other communities though, SMART, Bee Sober, just have a search on Facebook really. I joined and I participated, basically I check in every day. And at least for the first 3 months or so, a lot of my life was about being sober, I went to bed early, I didn't go to whatever friend's BBQ if I wasn't up for it, etc. I just focussed on feeling better.

I'm on day two of getting clean & sober.

I downloaded a app called "I am sober" it's free, it's really good it has access to forums and you can speak to others who are getting sober as well not just for alcohol but for everything you can imagine. Really good support network there's people on there who have been sober for decades helping others.

Don't know whether I fit the bill but I drank 1-2 bottles of wine most nights while also working FT in a highly paid and responsible job and raising children. I used to tell myself that it wasn't a problem because the children were always in bed by the time I started drinking. I was fairly hungover most of the time but kept it together and although I was always known as someone who liked a drink, I don't think friends and colleagues had any idea of the extent of my drinking. They also don't really know that I have stopped drinking, although it has been 2 years.

What worked for me was reading lots of quit lit and learning about the effect of alcohol on the brain. It helped me to see it as less some sort of psychological quest in which I had to battle my demons and more a simple matter of chemistry- drinking alcohol affected my brain like this, which made me feel like that, so when the alcohol wore off I felt like this, and drinking again made me feel like that. This very simple process was then rationalised by my conscious mind into a sort of knotty problem in which I spent large parts of my waking life pondering whether I should or should not be drinking and justifying my choices in increasingly complex ways. Once I grasped that this is what it was- the conscious rationalisation of some pretty basic unconscious processes, it became much simpler.

What didn't work for me (in fact was actively unhelpful) at all was AA or any other process that involved thinking even more about alcohol and my psyche. I tried both psychotherapy and AA meetings and they really were the opposite of what I needed, which was a sort of moment of clarity as to how simple it all was rather than how complex.

Just want to offer my huge congratulations and moral support to you all. Wow, what an inspiration you are.

Get rid of the 'high functioning' bit. Nearly all alcoholics are high functioning. There's very few of us who made it to being homeless and selling our bodies for booze. Most alcoholics are of the work hard, play hard successful sort. Other than my husband, absolutely no one in my life would believe me if I told them I was an alcoholic. I was not falling over at parties embarrassing myself. I didn't lose my job. Or my house. I looked like I drank normally enough (because other people only saw the normal drinking). Anyway, what I'm saying is don't get hung up on that label. If drinking is pulling you under, it's a problem, whether you look high functioning to others or not.

Wise words.

I recently heard Dr. Chris van Tulleken say that in order to stop eating ultra processed foods, he learned enough about how they were produced to feel disgusted by them. This was how I quit smoking over 20 years ago. I had to shift my thinking from how "cool" smoking was to how disgusting it is. This wasn't hard because luckily the rest of society now agrees that smoking is gross and will kill you. It may be helpful to stop seeing alcoholism as a disease where you are either having a wonderful time drinking in a "healthy" way with all the other drinkers or you are an alcoholic who can't touch alcohol because there's something wrong with you; and switch to thinking of alcohol like you would a drug like heroin -- it's a harmful substance and it's the problem; not you. This podcast by Dr. Andrew Huberman is pretty good at breaking down all the ways alcohol is terrible for everyone's health.

10 day at home rehab to stop the cycle when I got to the tipping point that things were falling apart and I was about to step into not highly functioning.

My advice: Your GP can refer you to your local substance abuse centre. At mine the counsellors were ex addicts which made it super easy to be open.

I've been sober since Sept 2019, and have never looked back....

However I would highly recommend you seek this free NHS assistance.

You can in fact have a free (bar prescription costs) at home detox/rehab on the NHS.

You have to refer to your local substance abuse centre. Some will let you self refer, some may require Dr referal.

They should be able to offer support.

You can find them here www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location.

Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge. If you struggle to get free help, these can help: Dear Albert can help: www.dearalbert.co.uk/nhs-alcohol-detox/.

I did around 3 months counselling once a week prior and again after. 10 day at home detox with family support.

The medication made phyical withdrawal smooth and easy to the point I didn't have a single side effect.

I've been sober for 13 years. I used to drink a couple of bottles of wine a day, worked full time and had 2 kids.
The key bit for me was finding stuff to fill the drinking/recovery time. I signed up for events - outdoor swimming, then running. I had never been an active person in my life before! I met people who didn't rely on drinking to get them through the day through these hobbies. I also arranged to do non boozy things- theatre and cinema trips - with an existing friend.
It worked - I am still sober and, fortunately for my aging bones, no longer need to be active all the time - drink just isn't part of my life at all now.

I can only speak for myself, but what finally stopped me from drinking was the realisation that alcohol has absolutely nothing to offer me other than the ability to change my mood for a short while, at the cost of my mental, physical, emotional and financial well-being. Once I was able to change my perspective, I was able to see that alcohol is an illusion. Many people recommend ‘This Naked Mind’ but it did not work for me. I found the book ‘Quit Like a Woman’ and the sober app Reframe and it finally clicked into place. I also had daily emails from Tired of Thinking About Drinking.

I am 2 years alcohol free. I was high functioning, until I started having blackouts every evening and not being able to function at all.

This is true. This was something they talked about in the counselling up to my detox and I don't think it really hit home. But I easily found my creative/crafty side came out again and that kept me busy and it's mindful stuff so helps me chill out. That and gardening and being outside - my sanity space now.

Well done - and good luck. I gave up 9 years ago and I really don't think of it now.

Also get rid of the alcoholic bit - health professionals use alcohol issues or alcohol dependency these days

alcoholic is such a negative term and conjures up park benches and litres of vodka. Maybe Special Brew or White Lightening as well.

stopping drinking (don't say giving up) is such a positive thing to do! And you needn't label yourself because how can you have a problem with something you no longer do!

I stopped for 7 years and although I drink now i never ever felt anything other than free. If you are in the right frame of mind (and I think that's the most important thing) you are giving it your best shot and that's all anyone can ask of us.

having said all this ofc there are people for whom whatever reason it's more difficult. But they keep trying which is exceptional and should be applauded wholeheartedly. If us people with dependency issues thought at the beginning of our drinking lives we would end up losing so much along the way we would never of started in the first place. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't blame anyone for leaving us because, like us, we have to save ourselves ❤️

Thanks all.
Asking for advice to pass on to someone close to me who I worried about.
Have ordered that Alcohol Explained book for them, as seems like it may appeal.
Interesting about the terms used by health care professionals.
I think most people I know still use alcoholic to describe someone who can't control their drinking, but I take your point that this may not be helpful!

Well done to all of you who have managed to stop drinking. It's an incredible achievement. Wishing you all the best for a happier future 💛

Reading these posts are so inspirational. I just wondered, what if your drinking doesn't start till 9 or 10pm. This is because of my ridiculous sleep pattern. My night starts at 8.30. There's no groups or things to distract me. I just see 9pm as get your pj's on, find a programme and get stuck in.

Hello, I am using the app I am sober - great community on there. Hit 50 days today! Plus read the unexpected joy of being sober. Plus just felt so bloody bored and old and disappointed in myself waking up feeling rubbish. On holiday with my family - parents and children ... all but one drink plenty, not easy but worth it

Well done that's amazing! 😊

Got diagnosed with ADHD, started medication. I'd always known I didn't really like alcohol, it was a need. Self medicating. Anyway started on the meds and the need went, took a few weeks to realise I didn't need the drink anymore - this was after 30 years!

I do wonder with a lot of people who claim alcoholism is genetic - I'm not convinced an addiction can be inherited but ADHD is and it makes us highly susceptible to addiction. Won't apply to everyone but worth throwing into the mix. It's changed my life. Best of luck to all.

Well done op!

I'm a raging drinker. Loved it and hated it all at once, and hated myself. Always held down my job, kept the show on the road etc. Not any longer. I'm about 3 weeks sober. I've had enough of the self-loathing, hangovers, anxiety, puffy face and being overweight. Those are the things I'm leaving behind.

Loving this thread

That's amazing. Congratulations and well done! 👍

So hard to do when surrounded as well. Well done 👏