Lost with husband's drinking

[Namechangenora52]

I'm worried about my husband's drinking and also about whether it is time to give up on our marriage. He drinks at least once a week and over the decades has managed to cut down to between 8-12 pints on a Thursday/Friday/Saturday. If we have anything social on, I dread it as he is always the drunkest there ( slurring, staggering, talking nonsense) and then either asleep all the next day or binging junk food and watching TV in a weird half drunk, mildly belligerent way. The day after that is always hungover and too exhausted to want to do anything as a family. His response to this is always to ask why I need him to do things. We don't need him for some things but he's the kids dad, it's nice if he's around!
If he drinks on the Thursday then he often misses work the next day or drives in late and hungover. I feel lots of anxiety around him loosing his job and resent worrying about it during my job.
Reading the threads here and the great advice, I think 'm in the same boat as a lot of people on this group and just trying to balance out where love stops and enabling begins.
A long time ago I looked for support from a group that Al Anon put me onto. I remember being made to feel /feeling really shamed, that I had exaggerated my husband's drinking and I shouldn't seek to control him or his actions. Our 3 kids were still so young at the time but I remember the mix of guilt and resentment when the counsellor asked why I didn't just let him sleep off his hangovers and get on with my day without him. It was so hard watching him snoring on the sofa while I changed nappies, walked the dog and got everyone ready for an outing. Staying in the house wouldn't have been great as it was small and him sleeping it off was so visible to the children. I also dread Christmas and no longer want to go on holiday as he then drinks every night. My friends minimise it all as it is quite a boozy group and they say he's just good fun, which leads DH to say that I'm the only one with a problem. We've been invited to a BBQ in a few hours and I'm just not looking forward to it. I will have one glass of wine over the afternoon and then drive home but it's all just so boring. Dh says that he is a nice drunk and he is but there have been enough incidents over the years where his drinking has caused major upsets that I now just get a visceral reaction when I hear him opening a can. I need to disengage and not care but no idea how. Sorry for such an unstructured mess of a brain dump. I really had to steel myself to write it and feel crushing guilt already so please, please be gentle

Obviously eh! 😂

Sorry OP. I understand now. I thought it was your pet puppy!
Alcoholism isn’t about the number of units. It’s about how much drinking impacts your life and those around you. He is putting alcohol before his family.

Wolfiefan. It's shit here for animals. I've taken a screenshot of what you said and all the other good advice. I might use it to write a letter as whenever I try to speak to him he just minimizes or stonewalls. I'm not dysfunctional in day to day life, I am very calm and placid. I think I need to write it back in the UK though. I know you love animals from time reading the dog board over the years. Puppy is responding well now.

I'm just reading this slowly again now. It is exactly what I needed to hear back then. I think letting go of responsibility is hard and something I don't know how to do. Thank you so much.

Best of luck to the pup! And to you. Honestly all the letters and talk in the world won’t change his relationship with alcohol. If he doesn’t want to stop drinking to such excess then he won’t. All you can do is protect yourself and kids too. Sorry OP.

Thanks guys. I'm going to try and get some sleep now, it's late here. You are all so kind

You poor thing. Shouldering family life and keeping going with this functioning alcholic. He is passed caring about the effects of his behaviour on you and others as He is consumed by the addiction. Its awful for you. You must feel trapped esp abroad. Prepare to leave. He is probably lovely when sober and thats just soo hard . Sending you hugs

Get some sleep lovely hope you feel a bit better tomorrow. X

My dad was an alcoholic

This is the key, right here. Living with an alcoholic, or someone who habitually abused alcohol, is your normal. This is why you have put up with this for so, so long. You were conditioned into believing that it's normal for a husband to behave like this.

Hi was in a similar situation who binged 8 to 12 cans on a friday and saturday i strugggled with saying he was an alcaholic because he didnt drink midweek but in reality he is a binge drinking alcahoic who has no off button when he starts he cant stop and who would be useless all weekend hungover. Alcahol has gotten him into a lot of trouble over the years and i have no doubt in years to come there will be some kind of alcahol related illness. The point you made about hearing the can open i relate to so triggering can after can after can sitting up alone until early hours. Its really very sad they cant see it. We are noow split and going through issues regarding kids as im not comfortable with him parenting. Leave it will only get worse

Hi @Namechangenora52 - wondering how you’re getting on and if you ended up leaving?
I read your message and it could have been me writing that a few months ago. I left my alcoholic husband of 10 years, it has been really hard but I know I’ve made the right decision. Like your husband, mine also just binge drank at weekends. It started off with 6-8 beers 3 nights a week, then eventually became 1-2 litres of vodka every weekend. There has been a year of chaos. Domestic violence. A drink driving charge. He’s on the verge of losing his job.
I tried so many times to get him better, went to Al Anon meetings, tried to detach, tried to get him to go to rehab, tried to get him to sign up to the Sinclair method. Everything worked for a little while and then boom! It all fell apart again.
I had no idea the scale of husband’s drinking and the lies he would spin to me. Since he moved out, I’ve found vodka hidden all throughout the house.
I tried to leave over a few months but kept having second thoughts, kept waiting for the gorgeous and brilliant man I married to come back and be my best friend again. Sometimes I’d get glimpses of him, kid myself that it would all be ok, and then inevitably he would disappear on yet another binge.
eventually there was an incident that left me with no choice but to leave for my safety and the safety of our two children. I knew at that point there was no turning back.
When I left him, he threatened to hurt himself, hurt me, ruin me financially. Things got so bad I had to get the police involved and take out court orders to protect myself. I’ve spent thousands of pounds on legal fees, with more to come.
But I’m free now. And my advice to you is to keep going. Leave. Don’t look back. I wish now I had left sooner. He might surprise you when you leave and actually get better and choose recovery. My ex husband hasn’t yet, but I still hope one day he will, for our children’s sake. You need to protect yourself. You only get one life. Keep going.

You said it so well cooandroo- I could have written the above. X