Torn between a beer and a better me

[SilentSage]

Hi all, NC as sensitive for me.

I really want to quit drinking and could use some help figuring out how. I usually have max 1-3 beers once or twice a week to unwind, so it’s not much, but it affects my sleep and mood, even if I have just the one.

For context I'm a SAHM, and while home life with DP and our DD(4) is stable and happy, I've been battling general and health anxiety since conceiving DD.

Every week I promise myself I won't drink anymore, I’ll be fine all week, even stock up on non-alcoholic beer to prep for temptation. But the weekend comes, DP cracks one open to de-stress himself, and it's hard not to join him.

DP’s very supportive and often reminds me of my decision to quit, but in the moment, I get fomo, think f*ck it one won’t hurt. It relaxes my body, makes light a serious week, I feel more fun. And so, I let myself down, again.

DP has his own reasons to unwind with alcohol and I respect that; I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to stop and similarly he doesn’t drink that much either.

I’ve successfully quit drinking twice before DD was born (for about 6-8 mths), and loved it.
I lost weight, slept better, felt healthier and less anxious, but I did feel a bit out of place socially.

We’ve also got a holiday coming up, and I’m dreading those lovely nights on the balcony where we usually sip drinks and chat after DD goes to sleep. Will it be the same if I’m sipping water?

How do I stay on track if I start again now?
What non-sugary drinks could I enjoy instead?
Will being sober change the dynamics with DP?
How do I make my body relax in the same way?

I appreciate this may not sound like a real problem to some. But my granddad was a high functioning alcoholic most of his life, DPs dad (80s) is currently struggling with it and the times I did teetotal were after binge drinking events (before DD, I no longer drink that much), the motivation and justification was high. I do feel a bit silly but I just want this out of my body and life.

Any advice, personal experiences or words of wisdom will be most welcome.

Thank you

PS: on the anxiety front after years of trying to self help I’m about to start help via NHS.

There are some great no alcohol and very low alcohol beers now. That’s our Friday night unwind drink nowadays.

VanDeStreek Fun House NEIPA is our current favourite (Ocado) but Beavertown Lazer Ctush, Brooklyn Special Effects and Nirvana Lager also all excellent.

Can You get DP to fetch both of your drinks and pour them into glasses so they look much the same?

Hello! I stopped drinking 5 years and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It came as the result of one too many horrendous, debilitating hangovers and I thought 'this can't go on'. Long story short, every time I tried to drink even a little bit, it affected me in some way. I can't drink at all, even a few mouthfuls as my body now reacts immediately.

I have learned that waking up feeling great on a Su day morning, never having brain fog of a headache or vomiting because of my own choices, is the best gift I have ever given myself.

Society tells you that you deserve a beer after a hard week. The reality is...
You deserve better.

You deserve better than to be enslaved in a cycle that holds you ransom to alcohol, even when you don't want it any more. Your body deserves more. Your mental health deserves more.

You're too good for alcohol.

Once the spell has been broken and you see how problematic alcohol can be for you, everything else falls into place.

Fwiw, my husband still drinks and over time his Consumption has slowly decreased without me judging or making any demands or making him feel in any way bad at all.

Remember that life without alcohol is how your body was designed to exist. Life isn't more fun with it. That's a myth. The last time I went out, I didn't drink at all and I cried with laughter so much that night, that all my eye make up came off!

I used to think I would give up drink because the hangovers/health effects would make me do it.

Then I gave up for a few months for an unrelated reason. The not drinking was SO BLOODY GOOD! No hangovers, losing three stone(!!!), clearer skin, less achy, got up earlier and got on with enjoying my days, enjoyed my days for what they are rather than spending all day thinking "When can I have my first drink/have I got drink in/how bad will I feel tomorrow".

All those things like drinking on the balcony - well they are honestly just as much fun without the booze. Find a soft or hot drink you enjoy - have a hot chocolate and some biscuits or a alcohol free mojito type thing and some nachos instead.....you will have the spare calories to use. Then the next day you'll leap out of bed, no hangover, no hangxiety, none of that regret/worry about health/when can I have my next drink thing - just full of zip for the day head.

When you don't drink you realise how what you thought was enjoyment was actually a deadened reality.

Honestly, just stop for a few months. Fill your drinking time with better stuff.
Good luck and I hope you love the benefits.

@SilentSage

best wishes, you've done it before you can do it again!!

my best suggestion is reporting your own first post & asking MN to move it to the correct board, then you'll get lots of support.

ive read lots of people say they need an entirely different drink as the non alcoholic beer/wine/gin triggers them.

Thank you @PosiePerkinPootleFlump some great suggestions and I’ll have a look into them.

@Darkdiamond @Churchview lovely encouraging posts, thank you! And well done!

I like the idea of turning the balcony nights into something a little different, at least for me. Nachos are a great idea 🤤

I have a feeling I just need to put plans in place for what’s coming for a while until it feels natural not to drink anymore.

Thank you @YeahComeOnThen, appreciate it. And sorry I think I have incorrectly placed this post. I’ll report and ask for it moved. I’d welcome any additional practical strategies to get started so you’re right it might be best there.

I was a heavy drinker. I could easily down 1/3 bottle of vodka and not feel any effects. Daily. I never got hangovers, even close to 40 years of age, so never felt the aftermath. Like you, for months I've thought I'll stop next week and then found an excuse to carry on.

4 weeks ago something switched. Maybe it was that my liver was starting to ache frequently. Maybe it was looking at how much money I was spending on alcohol every week. Anyway, I decided to just not have any more alcohol in the house.

I've already noticed some things:
I sleep better.
My skin is less puffy.
My mood has improved.
I have more time in the day.
I have so much more energy!
By tomorrow, I'll have saved £220.

I'm still waiting for the big weight loss, but the most noticeable thing was the time I have now. I didn't even realise just how much alcohol slowed me down, made me sluggish and had me do less productive things. The cravings are almost completely gone, too.

It's more difficult if you have a partner who drinks; thankfully, I don't have that problem as I am on my own. Not having alcohol in the house made a massive difference to my ability to stick to not drinking.

What other things help you relax? I would do those instead. Your dp is presumably home with the kids on those nights when he is having a beer. So you can do something for you too, even if it means going out.

Honestly, I was a much, much heavier drinker than you by the sound of it, when I quit. But I focused on other things that helped me with my anxiety and to relax. I regularly did cold water swimming, I exercised and I did various meditation classes (sound baths/yoga/breathwork). In the early days, I would leave dh at home with the kids and I'd go and run or go for a hike or I'd go to a class. It helped a lot. And the cold water therapy has been lifesaving for my anxiety.

I have a podcast on alcohol moderation (called '90 Days Later') - episode 107 tackles holidays ('Drink less this holiday').

The main thing I would say is to think about what you want from the holiday. We can get very entitled about holidays - entitled to have a good time, entitled to have a relaxing time....-

So I would start there - don’t feel entitled to have an amazing time during the holiday because if you feel that way, you feel justified in your drinking.

As for answers to your specific questions:
How do I stay on track if I start again now?
>>You just pick right back up where you left off. Don't seek perfection.

What non-sugary drinks could I enjoy instead?
>>My fave is sparkling water in a wine glass. No need to embellish with some fancy mocktail because the experience isn't about the drink (alcoholic or otherwise), it's what I'm making it all mean. When I decide sparkling water is heaven on earth then guess what ... I want to drink it becuase it's heaven on earth to me.

Will being sober change the dynamics with DP?
>>You don't control DP's reactions/thoughts. You decide how you want your relationship to be, whether sober or not.

How do I make my body relax in the same way?
>>I would rather ask: how do I relax without alcohol? What is it like for you at the end of the day to just relax and NOT with a drink in hand? Start to figure this out as a way to teach yourself something different (because relaxing with a drink is just habit).
The reason we find it hard to relax is we don’t know how to be present and relaxed with our emotions.

I’m doing The Alcohol Experiment at the mo from a recommendation on here- 30 days alcohol free but with learning and talks on the ap each day about why we drink, myths we come to believe about how alcohol makes us feel etc.

It’s really good and it’s working. I feel like I’m reprogramming myself. You should have a look x

There are some good podcasts on this and everyone raves about Adrian Chiles' book (although that is about cutting back rather than quitting). I would maybe cut yourself some slack and do some more research to get in the zone. Then hopefully you'll find it will come easier.

Thanks @change2022 i will certainly give the podcast a listen and thank you for your helpful suggestions. Think I will take them on holiday with me and get myself prepared. I should really help.

Thanks @FlyingUnderTheRadar i will check it out! Glad it’s working for you.

I didn’t know Adrian Chiles had a book on this @vincettenoir , will have a look for it, thanks

It's really interesting what posters have said about not feeling sluggish. I stopped drinking four years ago. Not long ago I went to see a play in the West End of London, on my own, just something no one else wanted to see. It was a full house. And I noticed how many people were drinking a lot of alcohol before and during the interval. Maybe because I was on my own I really saw the frenzied consumption.
At the end of the play, I jumped up and nipped to the loo. I was the first one there and I suddenly realised so many people were moving so slowly. And the penny dropped for me with a crash! The alcohol actually physically and powerfully incapacitated them. And not me so I got a pee without waiting in a queue.
I know this isn't a big deal on one level but omg seeing it suddenly like that, really made me think about alcohol in a different way. And what wicked powerful and dangerous stuff it is.

Not sure if of interest but saw on instagram that Anna Charles (I listen to her 90 days later podcast) is testing some new technique to do with getting unstuck around alcohol and is looking for beta testers. Looks like it's just 11 quid for an hour of coaching with her. Just passing it on in case of interest. Best place to look is her 90dayslater.co instagram