How can I help my friend

[Dozycuntlaters]

My best friend has at last admitted to me that she is an alcoholic. I've known this for a while and I'm always asking her but usually denies.

We had an honest talk last night, she says she needs a drink as when she wakes up she feels shaky and sick and needs that first vodka to feel normal. And then she carries on. I asked her how much she is drinking every day, she said half a bottle of vodka so I'm thinking it's probably a whole bottle.

Her relationship with her 20 year old daughter is in tatters, she's a shadow of her former self but she said she doesn't want to be like this and needs help.

Can she just stop drinking without medical help? How much do you need to be drinking to give up safely? I've said I will go to the doctors with her, go to AA with her although to be honest I can't see her doing any of this. I honestly don't know how to help her but she needs it. I've said I will help but she has to want it and to start helping herself too. I suspect she has an issue with cocaine too but she's not admitting to that one yet, but I know she does that too.

Wtf can I do for her? It's painful watching her self destruct .

The honest answer is you can’t help her. All you can do is tell her what help is available. I have watched a member of my family self destruct. She will only give up drinking if she wants to and when she reaches rock bottom and this is far lower than you can ever imagine. She can’t just stop drinking but has to do it gradually otherwise she will start having fits. You are obviously a good friend but my best advice to you is to look after yourself and maybe join Al-anon but you can’t control / influence your friend or her drinking. And to be honest, it’s probably 2 bottles of vodka a day.

As @Rocknrollstar says, you can't help her. And if she perceives your help as pressure, it will be actively unhelpful.

I think the best you can do is offer to drive her to AA, drive her to the GP, if she is ready to seek help. Will she remember the talk you had last night? She will have been drinking all day when it happened.

This is the companion book to the one that really helped me when I stopped drinking - I'm hopeful it might help you: https://amzn.eu/d/gPRMHIk

Don't be too disappointed if this turns out not to be the breakthrough you've been hoping for.

Thank you both.

Yes, I don't believe its half a bottle, she's minimising and saying what she feels I will believe.

Ok, so I have offered to go to the GP and Al Anon with her, so apart from that not much else I can do. She makes all the right noises but ultimately I don't think she wants it enough. Her life has imploded around her, its just making everything worse.

@Rocknrollstar She will only give up drinking if she wants to and when she reaches rock bottom and this is far lower than you can ever imagine - shit, I don't see how much further she can fall, that is worrying. Did your family member sort themselves out.

@tribpot thank you for the book recommendation, I will order it. I hope you ae doing well.

I advocate for my best friend who is an alcoholic. Your friend shouldn't just stop drinking as it could cause her to become very ill.

Ultimately, she won't get help until she's had her epiphany moment. It has to come from her and can start at the GP who can refer to addiction services. My friend is going into residential detox in a few weeks and then on to 3 to 6 months of rehab to stay dry.

Don't give more of yourself than you can afford. I have very firm boundaries. When we get together, I've asked him to only drink what will stop him feeling ill, has eaten and some coffee. He's not allowed to call me when drunk.

This is a man who doesn't want to have that alcohol monkey on his back any more and terrified of killing himself through drink.

I would encourage her to reach out for support and also keep the conversation going between the two of you.

It takes time from first being able to vocalise that you know you have an issue to actually acting on stopping. People do have to get their feet wet and play with the idea a bit first often. A lot of times it's just knowing that other people are doing it, that other people have been as bad as they have been or worse and they've changed their lives. I think people also tend to think that they need to stop drinking before they can go to AA or another meeting. You don't.

Trying an online AA meeting might be a good way to dip her toe in. Or try an online support community - there are lots of them, I do Bee Sober and I think they are great.

It sounds like it would benefit her to have some medical support in quitting. I was drinking a lot when I stopped, probably on par with what your friend is drinking, and I did it myself cold turkey. That isn't the recommendation, but I didn't have any serious withdrawal symptoms other than just feeling tired and grumpy for a time. But that's not to say that's what she should do. If she's drinking in the morning to deal with the shakes, seeing her GP for medical detox support is really advisable - if nothing else, no reason to make it harder when it can be easier.

You can't do it for her. She has to want to change for herself. But helping her find people who have done it and have wonderful new lives is a starting point. It's hard to think at first about anything other than what you have to give up to stop drinking. What helped me was seeing what I could gain - and that's certainly held true. And knowing that people close to me cared a lot and wanted me to be healthy and happy, not that they were angry or judging me or fed up (though I'm sure they probably were!).

I help people to stop overdrinking and change their whole relationship with alcohol as my job so have a lot of experience with this. I do not believe there needs to be a rock bottom to make a change but I do believe the person themselves has to want to change. These are 2 different things.

If your friend drinks to physically function (eg to avoid physical shakes) medical attention is required. It is dangerous to just stop drinking if you have physical dependency.

If it is more just a habit (as with my clients), it is actually simple to change the habit. So many people (and this may be your friend based on what you say about her making all the right noises) is that they either a) don't think it's possible to change (and why would they if they've had years of failed attempts behind them as was the case for me) and/or b) they can't imagine life without alcohol (again that was me).

So I think it would be great for your friend to start playing with the idea that this MIGHT BE POSSIBLE. And what would that mean for her? What could that mean for her? This could then be enough to have her willing to start taking some action.

I have a podcast called 90 Days Later on all major platforms. It talks about all the topics I struggled with. It includes interviews with my clients who have overcome this. You could tell her about it. I talk about alcohol in an absolute shame-free way. There is NO SHAME in struggling with this. None. Episode 29 'What's possible' would be a great place to start.

And if you (or your friend) want more details about what it would take to change her relationship with alcohol, feel free to private message me.

Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. x