A question for alcoholics both active and in recovery

[BBSBAMH]

Do/did you acknowledge your childrens and grandchildrens birthdays?

Since my mum has returned to drinking she has only acknowledged one of our birthdays, my brother. That was in December.

It was my DS birthday in January, my daughters birthday in February and mine has just gone. Not so much as a phone call for either.

I called her last week whilst she was sober and made it clear that although she's in active drinking again I do still care about and want to hear from her, so she can't say I've cut contact. She never calls me.

I'm so hurt. My DS is autistic and absolutely adores her, she has let him down so much but to ignore his birthday completely feels cruel.

There's 24 hours in the day and she isn't drunk for all of them. I'm so hurt.

This is the first year she hasn't bothered with our birthdays and I can't help but think she doesn't care.

Is this to be expected in your experience?

Completely get why you’re hurt… having an alcoholic in the family is a devastating experience. I was one - for the best part of 20 years. I’ve been sober now for 8 years, but in the throes of my addiction, I’m sorry to say that all I really cared about was drink… either getting drunk, thinking about having a drink and counting down the hours until I could - or feeling sorry for myself with a stinking hangover. This was every single day. Sadly, when someone is in the grip of an addiction, the things that matter - family, birthdays, telephone calls… even basic things like taking care of yourself, cleaning the house or doing anything useful or meaningful go completely out of the window. I’m sorry you’re going through this but sadly, until your mum decides that she wants to rid herself of this affliction, there’s nothing you can do. Alcoholics are incredibly selfish people, all they care about is their own gratification. I know that it’s an addiction, an illness, but she could stop if she wanted to and become the person she used to be. But you can’t do that for her. She has to want to do it herself. I put my family through utter hell for 20 years. I’m amazed I still have one and for that reason alone I would never touch another drop. All you can do is be there for your mum if she needs you, but as hard as it is, she needs alcohol more at the moment.

I am in recovery, 2 years sober.

When I was in active alcoholism I went the other way - big, over the top grand gestures, stupidly expensive gifts, elaborate parties (for the children), usually at my house so I wouldn't have to worry about driving (and therefore not being able to drink).

Looking back, I was overcompensating because of the guilt about being emotionally unavailable a lot of the time, but I can also see that the next stage could well have been that the guilt would have gone. There comes a point when all alcoholics have left is the alcohol, every scrap of what made them the person they were evaporates, and I wonder whether that is happening here, OP?

Yes, of course. But you don't have to be an alcoholic to be a shitty parent, sadly.

I have always been the one to do all the planning for my dc's birthdays and any other special days, even when I was still drinking.

My mum (who is not and has never been an alcoholic) stopped acknowledging our birthdays or only sending a random passive-aggressive message when she started to isolate into her own dysfunction and unhealthy relationship with her partner. It's not that she forgot. It was just an intentionally cruel thing to do.

Nothing to do with being an addict and everything to do with being mean-spirited and selfish just from my own experience.