No more booze - ever

[Drinkless]

Name changed, long time MNer.
I am trying to get my head around having a completely alcohol-free life, after being a drinker from early teens. DH has given up booze - I hope for good, after becoming violent and smashing up our teen DS computer monitor a couple of weeks ago. He is truly remorseful and has never done anything that bad before - although he does have a history of drinking too much and getting out of control - not often, maybe once a year or every couple of years, we both do tbh, but I have never been violent. Anyway, after this incident, we both agreed that he has to stop drinking and I said I would quit too, because I want to help him stop and I don't want us to split up. I have a clear idea that if he drinks again I will leave, because it's not fair for DS to live with the possibility of his dad losing it like that. For myself, I feel like I knew what he was like when we married. The thing is, we have both always been drinkers. Our relationship was built around going to the pub together. I think it was something we had in common. We probably shouldn't have married and are a bad influence on one another. We've managed a few weeks completely dry (including his birthday!), but I see a whole life of abstinence ahead of me and feel a bit sad about it tbh. Initially, I was happy. Not sure what I want from this post - maybe just a bit of a vent. Nobody in real life knows what happened to trigger him giving up drinking; they have assumed it's for his health, and I have let them.
Questions:
Can our marriage survive this?
How do I get back to feeling pleased about the change?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and had a positive outcome?

Bump

Hiya, I can't help much but wanted to bump for you! I'm a week in and am trying to focus on all the positives- amazing sleep, much less anxiety, eventual weight loss and just not having the kids see me being blurry and "messy" - just wanted to say you're doing the right thing, regardless of your marriage and keep going!

Hi @Drinkless. I can't comment on the relationship part, my OH is non-drinker. But for 'never again' feeling daunting - yep, I get that.

I'm now almost 5 months AF and I truly believe that alcohol is of no benefit to me - it costs loads (I've saved more than £1000 in the 5 months), ruins my sleep, causes weight gain...the list goes on.
I feel lighter in so many ways - I'm sharper - it's been noticed at work, less anxious, getting pleasure from simple things now. Despite that and I am very competitive so cannot imagine breaking my AF streak - forever feels a long time so I'm just focussing on getting through 'firsts' - the next one being a holiday abroad.

You are 100% doing the right thing, but this drug does have a grip on us individually and at a societal level so it's not easy.

Good luck OP.

@MissSmith80 @distrussful Thank you both for your kind responses. Yes, I do feel better for not drinking. Before this incident I had already given up weeknight drinking & was only drinking at weekends, but still too much. DH was drinking every night. It's a big change. I am a bit bored tbh. Partly because he doesn't seem to want to do other things together instead. I've suggested going for coffee and cinema, but he's not keen. We've been for a couple of walks & he does have hobbies that he keeps himself busy with. It's early days, so I am trying not to pressure him - he is doing really well. I guess I should just let him find his own way for now. Hopefully we can find other things to do together in time.

One thing I would say is also have some compassion for him in all this change. Yes, his behaviour was awful - but all of us who are problem drinkers have done something similarly bad at some point in time, it may not have been a violent outburst, but it could be drink driving with our kids in the car, or cheating on a much loved partner, or using drugs when we wish we hadn't, or just being a shit parent or shit friend. Everyone has a low like that.

But when you think about a future life with no drinking and how it's all a big change and you don't quite know what to do with yourself, don't forget, he's feeling that way too, even if not vocalising it. It's a big change and there will be a lot of emotions for him too. Do be mindful that the road to sobriety is often not a smooth one. There may be slip ups (you'll have them too, so you'll be aware it's not easy), but if it's a path you want to go on together, you have to each find your way along.

For now, I think you just need to give him time. You find some things to do that you enjoy. And keep the conversation open. Sometimes in the early days, you are literally just holding on to life. Keep suggesting new things. Keep talking about how you're feeling. It's a big change for both of you.

@mindutopia Thanks for your response. I agree, I am mindful that this is likely to be very difficult for him and I do have compassion - if I didn't, I don't think I would still be here. I am worried about what will happen if he properly falls off the wagon. He is ALWAYS planning to pack it in, but rarely manages for more than a day or two. We're in the beginning of week 3 just now, so it's already lasted longer than usual. He did do a whole year a few years back - so it can be done. DS is approaching his GCSEs, doing really well and buckling down to his work - I really don't want anything to mess things up for him. I'm feeling less bothered today - probably because it's not the weekend - but still at bit anxious.

I noticed you said that 'a whole life of abstinence' ahead of you makes you feel a bit sad. That was my perspective previously. I wanted to drink less but really and truly could simply not imagine life without any white wine at all. Why would I want to do that? How would I have fun? What happened when I was in a bar and people around me were drinking? What about weddings? and on and on and on the questions went.

What I learned was rather than focusing on the action (ie focusing on the act of not drinking) I needed to focus on how I was thinking about it. For example as long as I was saying how much I missed the wine, that was only going to make me feel worse about not having the wine - which inevitably always led to having a drink to get rid of that negative feeling. That's the cycle we get stuck in.

I can help with this. Message me if you want to learn more.

Ok to start off a massive well done to both you and your husband for getting your three weeks! Thats huge.

Now I don't have kids but as a woman who has been sober for just over three years and is planning to always be sober I can offer a bit of advice on the 'oh my god the rest of my life feels like a really long time' thought process. It can feel really scary, but you just need to get up every day and decide you're not drinking TODAY and that's it, repeat every day. Eventually it won't even be a thought, it will just be the norm.

The first few big social events are always a bit daunting but honestly the next day when you got a good nights sleep, had loads of fun, didn't embarrass yourself, saved loads of money and get up to enjoy the day not hungover. You are going to feel amazing. I've done birthdays, weddings, family parties, funerals, festivals, bbq's and everything between sober and I've never once felt like being drunk would have made it better. But especially at the start, have an exit strategy if you get really overwhelmed, always have a non-alcoholic drink in your hand so you don't feel like you're missing it and have a pre ready answer to why you aren't drinking (people always ask 😴)

Sober literature REALLY helped me change my mindset about drinking. They're all great but I found having an author you could relate to was the most effective. 'The Sober Diary' by Clare Pooley would be a great starting point for you I think.

As for your relationship, my partner also doesn't drink for reasons similar to my own but we met sober. Honestly just start 'dating' them again. Go find new fun places to eat, try a new activity together, have movie nights, cook together. Rediscover each other. Also sober sex is the absolute best.

Hope this helped a little bit and I wish you all the best on your journey x