Is my husband an alcoholic?

[Alwaysrosey]

Hi, I’ve recently posted on both the relationships forum and the divorce one to try and get advice around my situation with my husband and from all the posts, a few people have mentioned they think my husband is an alcoholic and it was suggested that I post here.

So… here’s the story… married 15 years, been together for 19. We married young after getting together at 19 & 20 years old. We have two children 13 & 11.

Throughout our entire relationship his drinking has been a problem on a regular occurrence - not often enough that it’s a massive red flag where I should run in the opposite direction, but often enough that I dread him drinking too much. He only ever drinks at the weekend so I never really considered that he was an ‘alcoholic’ as it’s not like he ‘needs’ alcohol to function (these are words he’s said to me before funnily enough) but maybe this is my naivety that I thought this was true? He mostly drinks at home so again he thinks this is fine because ‘ X, Y & Z go the pub all the time and he doesn’t’

When he drinks too much he loses all control, he never knows his limits and will continue to drink as long as there are beers in the fridge or the bar is still open. This isn’t ‘all’ the time - we have compromised in ways over the years in the way that he used to buy in bulk for the weekend to make use of money savings offers and now I say just buy what you need for one night at a time to stop the over indulging. But the problem then comes when we go out, he drinks too much too quickly, embarrasses himself (and me) is irresponsible, reckless… just the most recent example, he went out with a work client (so lots of work colleagues there) on Friday night. He missed his train back by over an hour… so called me to pick him up at midnight but couldn’t tell me where he was, couldn’t give me names of bars or buildings or even an approximate area (he was in Manchester so not easy to find which area he was in!) I eventually managed to track him down on the find my iPhone app after driving around for an hour looking for him. This is what has sent me over the edge this weekend but it’s a long list of occurrences like this that happen a handful of times a year but he thinks that it’s okay because it’s not ‘all the time’. He apologises and says he’ll never do it again but he always does and I can’t cope with it anymore I am literally at breaking point.

When he’s had a drink he can never find the bathroom and tries to pee in corners of the room / the wardrobe / the sink etc - I learned this early in our relationship so I basically just don’t sleep when he’s drunk so that I can direct him to the loo because that’s easier than waking up to the mess and I don’t ever want the children to see anything like this either.

He chooses to drink over anything else when it comes to a Friday night. A couple of weeks ago we went to my son’s rugby presentation and he drove (I had been to the the Christmas markets in the afternoon so had already had a couple of drinks so was unable to drive myself - and this was pre-planned and he knew this was going to be the situation) he was miserable and anti-social the whole time we were there then as soon as the do was over he stopped at the shops on the way home (just before 11pm) and bought himself 4 large bottles of beer. The rest of us got in and went to bed and he drank them alone until he fell asleep after 2.5 bottles. He then drank the other half when he woke up in the morning and took my son to football. Then had the remaining bottle when he got back home around 11am then went back to the shops for another 4 large bottles around 4pm for the night.

I don’t really know what I expect anyone to say or what advice can be given, but as my children are growing up, I can see it is affecting them negatively and I can’t sit back and watch any longer. I also can’t keep wasting my life being anxious about the next time he drinks too much, being anxious about the next family wedding or do or basically going out anywhere where there is alcohol served. I am really unhappy and just feel like it’s not fair to live the way I am and it’s not fair on our children. I want to go out and do things together but he makes it impossible.
I love the man I know he ‘can’ be, but ultimately that is overshadowed by the person he becomes when alcohol is involved.

Thanks for reading my ramblings if you got this far!

Thanks for the reply - So good to hear from the ‘other side’ and that being sober, your DH is now a good husband and father 😊 this gives me some hope at least!

Yes sounds very similar and I’m sorry you have to go through this too!
I told him yesterday it’s like he has two different personalities, the sober one who behaves rationally and appropriately and then the other one who is reckless, irresponsible, does and says stupid things… he agreed he’s got no control over himself, he said one minute he was fine, the next he can’t remember… so he’s said himself he’s going to have to stop drinking altogether… it’s the first time he’s come out and said that, so I’m hoping he means it. I’m passing on all the recommendations from this post and hoping it sinks in otherwise it is make or break for us.

I hope your OH can see the damage he causes and stops before he pushes you away. From some of the other posts saying it’s ‘alcohol misuse disorder’ and it being like a spectrum this seems to have helped me explain it to him in a way that he’s like… yeah, that’s me…. His step dad was an alcoholic - full blown, drink all day, had a stroke, was bed-bound for a long time until he died so I think in his head he thought you had to be ‘that bad’ to have a problem - I’ve told him no but that could be where he ends up if it escalates

Good luck with your partner 💜

I’d say the only ‘major’ problem yes, don’t get me wrong there are niggles from time to time like every kind of relationship, but it almost always comes down to his drinking.
He’s said he wants to stop - after this weekend he is definitely full of regret and remorse and has admitted he doesn’t know when to stop and it’s scary how one second he’s fine then the next he can’t remember and has huge holes in his memory.
I think he also knows I can’t do this anymore and I won’t be around if he drinks again. I will believe it when I see it, but this is going to be make or break for us now

I've been in a very similar relationship, over a decade ago. He didn't change. I regret the time I spent trying, tbh.

You sound like you're done with the merry go round. It's harder when they are otherwise lovable.

Like you said somewhere up the thread you need to put yourself and children first.

I have a couple of friends who’ve been through similar and it’s been tough. For one of them her ex has managed to completely stop drinking with help from AA but there was no going back as the damage had been done.

best of luck to you OP

He loves alcohol more than you or his children. Honestly I would not tolerate this atrocious behaviour. I'd kick him out. If he refused to leave I'd divorce him.

Binge drinking is still a form of alcoholism. Sounds very similar to how my ex behaved. Would just keep on going if there was alcohol around. Would drink twice the speed of anyone else. But would only do it towards the weekend.

You may be interested and informed by knowing that morning drinking is one of the leading predictors of liver disease.

Nursing your husband through cirrhosis with all the issues that go with that will be very difficult and put an enormous strain on you and your family. Unfortunately only he can decide to stop, but you can decide to stay with him or not.