Anyone else experienced an alcoholic who doesn't eat

[Claris87]

My dad is an alcoholic
He buys beer at 7 o clock in the morning when the local shop opens and he starts drinking as soon as he gets home and throughout the day until theres no cans left until he goes to the shop the next day

He drinks and drinks and eventually ends up being sick and having diarrhea and the shakes and says hes not drinking again and he does manage to stop for a couple of days until he feels better then starts again and the same thing happens all over again and again
He did go the doctors a while ago and the doctor suggested aa meetings but he didnt want to go

He thinks he doesnt have a problem because he doesnt drink spirits just very strong beer

Ive tried talking to him about his drinking but he gets nasty and aggressive and im scared to mention it to him again

Only now he hasnt eaten for 4 days and just drinks and drinks

Has anyone else experienced this because i don't know what to do anymore

The same thing has happened again on tuesday he had the shakes badly and said he wasnt going to drink for a while and he started to eat again and yesterday i noticed hed started drinking again and this morning hes drunk and not wanting to eat

This always happens he drinks and drinks for weeks until he ends up sick with the shakes then hell stop and say he wont drink again for a while then as soon as hes feeling better he starts drinking again and the same thing happens over and over again

i always expect him to start drinking again which he always does but at the same time im disappointed that hes started drinking again

when he doesnt drink its like having the dad i used to have back but when he drinks he turns into someone i dont want to be around

im trying really hard not to snap at him

he wont accept any help and i dont know what to do with him anymore

I'm sorry to put this bluntly, but there's absolutely nothing you can do. I'm in the same situation with exDH.

Social Services have refused to assess him even though he's probably averaging one visit to A and E or a prolonged hospital stay once a month.

All you can do now is sort the practicalities out such as POA while he still has capacity, then detach and concentrate on your own wellbeing.

Honestly? There is nothing you can do. You need to distance yourself from him.

I’m so sorry, OP.

Have you looked for support for yourself? Al-Anon support families. They’ll tell you - ‘you did not cause this, you cannot cure this’.

There's nothing you can do for him. You can only help yourself. Get some support from an organisation like Al-Anon so you can share the load with people who know exactly what it's like. I'm part of an independent support group for families of addicts (currently acting as co-facilitator) and I've experienced and seen the difference support can make.

when he doesnt drink its like having the dad i used to have back but when he drinks he turns into someone i dont want to be around

So don't be around. I know how hard that is. But he only cares about alcohol when he's drinking so you need to care about yourself.

I know the advice is to distance yourself (from personal experience) but it seems like he's nearing end-stage.

It's up to OP if they want to be around regardless, I can relate.

Do whatever you feel is right OP.

I think there's a difference between being around (in my case I still am, albeit at a distance) and trying to fix the person. I've given up fixing, I'll do anything I can to support his attempts to get better or get help, but there are none.

Ultimately he's made a choice and @MrsTerryPratchett is right when she says you can't steal someone's rock bottom.

I'm expecting DH to die this year, I'm heartbroken but now concentrating on our family.

There's a huge difference between being around/supporting on the one hand and being enmeshed/enabling on the other. Support groups exist to teach you the difference.

You don't have to distance yourself in terms of not saying your goodbyes when the time comes - what you have to do is stop trying to fix someone who cannot or will not fix himself. You need to step away, take good care of yourself and then if the end comes, you will have the strength to cope. You can't pour from an empty cup.

This is interesting.

alcoholchange.org.uk/blog/2021/dying-with-their-rights-on

Yes absolutely, that's why I didn't mention 'fixing'.

And I'm so sorry to hear about your situation TwoBlondes. Mine was my sister.

@TwoBlondes that article makes so much sense. And it isn't just a UK issue either - my Dsis and I couldn't make a push to get our mum sectioned until she clearly had alcohol related dementia, and it was the dementia part that triggered the process. She died 4 days before the assessment.

In the UK all substance misuse services have pretty much been taken out of the NHS and into the third sector - that was a huge, huge mistake.

hello, I was reading everything you've said in this conversation. I am going through the same thing with my father, and I am 20 years old, and he is 50. Growing up I noticed that he would drink a lot, but not until my teens did, I realize how much of a problem it had become. At first, he drank beer and then he started drinking dark liquor. It went from pints a day to 1 liter almost every day. He wouldn't eat, or shower, and he would lay in his bed all day and not come out of his room. He would go days and sometimes a whole week, without even talking to me or my brother or grandma. He ended up in the hospital about three years ago because his liver was shutting down his skin was yellow and his eyes, and he had stopped eating for some time while he drank. He had also been puking blood from the ulcers caused by the drinking. Now all of this scared him to death and was a huge wake up call, so he quit for about a year. Now he is doing the same exact thing again. In fact, now he has lost his car and his job and is hopeless and continues to drink and drink and not eat or do anything, he rarely even leaves the house. I have tried everything there is to do. When he is drunk, he gets very mean and nasty, it's beginning to be hard to live with him, because the way he acts is brining me down too. I have lost hope and it's honestly depressing.

I have tried everything there is to do.

Except leave him to it. It's awful but the only thing you can do.

Sorry to hear that @Maceyjade.. my daughters are in their twenties and have finally learned to detach. I know it's easier said than done, but the most important thing is to concentrate on your own well-being. AlAnon was great for me.

A couple of weeks after my last post my dad became ill and kept being sick after hardly eating for 3 weeks and just drinking

He eventually got better and started eating properly and drinking a bit less but overtime hes gone back to how he was before

He does eat now because i make sure he does but he is drinking more and since christmas has started drinking whiskey as well

if i say anything to him he just gets nasty and wont accept any help
i dont know what to do

@Claris87 please get some help and support for yourself. That is honestly all you can do. You cannot help him. If you look after yourself well, you will be your best self if he does ever realise that he needs to stop drinking and genuinely wants support rather than enabling.

Looking after yourself will probably mean putting limits on how you interact with him: not letting him into your house when he is drunk, not lending or giving him money, leaving politely the moment he becomes verbally aggressive to you. These are all hard things that you will need to learn. Please talk to AdFam, Al-Anon, SMART Family&Friends or a local organisation. Your local council will know whether there are groups in your area so please contact them.

My Mother is 80 this year and she's drunk lager for as long as I can remember. She has her first bottle at around 10.30am to take her tablets with, yes I know that's not right, and then she drinks throughout the day. She hardly eats anything and when she does she eats so fast it's like she's starving. She basically lives on crisps. She's lost loads of weight and looks really frail. She won't see a Doctor and doesn't listen to anyone. She's in bed by 6pm, most days, and sits and watches TV. My Father is a very abnoctiuos, nasty and angry man. He will argue with his own shadow. He pleads poverty but he's got money but won't spend it on anything unless he wants it. Between them they're running me down. My mental health is suffering and I have my own serious health issues to deal with. What can I do to help my Mum??

@LadyJAR

You should do your own thread. People will just reply to the OP.

Honestly @LadyJAR you can’t. An alcoholic needs to want to change themselves. All you can do is protect yourself. Don’t have more contact than you need to have. Have none if it’s what you need. And stay away from your dad if he’s nasty.