Anyone else with an alcoholic family member?

[Justcrackingon]

In a nutshell, my Dsis is an alcoholic. It all came out about two years ago, although I’ve since found out that it had been going on for a long time before that (we don’t live near to each other). She has lost her long-term partner (and is now going out with a lying, manipulative, co-dependent arsehole), her friends and her job. She has lost lots of weight, and teeth, and looks awful. She admits she has a problem and has been in touch (over the phone) with the local alcohol service for nearly a year. But nothing changes.

I’ve gradually realised (the hard way!) that there’s nothing I can do to change any of this and that she is the one that needs to make the changes. I don’t walk around all day constantly anxious, as I used to do. I’m getting better at putting boundaries in place. But I’m left with a profound sense of sadness about the situation. And I find it hard to think about what might come next – the accidents, the physical illnesses, decline etc.

I don’t have any other family (parents both died fairly recently, no other siblings or even aunts, uncles etc.) although I have a lovely partner and friends that I can, and do, talk to. But if there’s anyone else out there in a similar situation and fancies a bit of hand-holding, come and say hi. It’s such a bloody hard and lonely thing to watch/go through.

(Not sure if this is the right corner of MN to post this but figure if I’ve been lurking here, others may have too!)

Thank you @Justcrackingon. That’s so kind of you ❤️ Wishing all of you so much support and love too in the heartbreaking situations you are in.

Thank you for starting this thread. I have taken a lot of comfort and advice from it.

I'm pretty sure my mum is an alcoholic. She doesn't drink as much as some, but she can't go anywhere without a drink, and I'm sure she drinks every day. I know if I call her after 2pm she will have started drinking, so I don't.

It started after my dad left us with binge drinking at parties/nights visiting family, then escalated to hiding wine in mugs to pretend it was tea. From the time I was in my mid teens she has been an every day drinker, and I'm in my late thirties now.

I was thinking the other day that she looks so bad - she's tiny and doesn't eat much at all, just drinks. Her skin looks like an old leather bag 😟she looks older than my granny who is 20 years older than her…

She ruins every function she's invited to with her drunken antics. She embarrassed me more times than I can remember as a teen, and she humiliated me on my 21st, and then my 30th birthday parties.

There have been broken bones many times, she's had my stepdad arrested for something that was really her fault, reported me as missing (I wasn't)... It never ends. And the verbal abuse! She wishes I was dead, should have had me aborted etc. Comments about my appearance, telling humiliating details of my mental illness to pubs full of people... Screaming at me repeatedly from the other room, not letting me sleep.

It's unreal. I don't have a mum, and it makes me sad.

Sorry for your troubles with your sister OP, and thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I had a visit from my mum recently and have decided that it'll be the last one as I can't handle it anymore. It has been on my mind.

@FlyingMasticatedParticles that is so sad, and I am glad that you have taken the decision to detach. It's absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself. My mum was also an alcoholic, though not a particularly nasty one - watching her drink herself to death was incredibly hard for me and my Dsis. We both managed to detach emotionally, we did what we could for her (we both live in the UK, she was in the Netherlands) in terms of liaison with support services and we were on the verge of getting her sectioned and into care when she died.

Yes I think it's best for my sanity, as it really unbalances my mental health after she leaves, it's just not worth it anymore.

That's devastating for you, I'm sorry. We do what we can for them but if they won't help themselves then what can we do 🙁

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Please contact Al Anon. You will find people there who understand and can help.
wishing you peace. 🙏🏻

Can I join?

DM is an alcoholic. I hate it. The only safe place I can go to see her is when she is at work. I avoid her house now as I know she will have been drinking, as soon as she is home. The weekends are a write-off.

I have tried to intercept her leaving work and going home to go out for the day, even just for a cup of coffee in order to spend time with her but she is no longer interested and just wants to get home to start drinking.

I have a young baby and she hasn't made any effort to visit or support me. Empty promises of coming to sit with the baby while I sleep have never materialised.

She has injured herself yet again within the last week from a fall while drunk.

I watch other daughters with their mums and it makes me want to cry.

I don't know how to support her as I can't bring myself to even be around her

This had paragraphs, I promise!

@DueDec21 I’ve just watched this on your recommendation. It was a great documentary. The art project is wonderful.

@JamesMartinsWaistcoat I hear you and welcome. My mother also kept having falls. It got to the point where the paramedics would just patch her up and leave her at home instead of taking her in to the hospital because it was pointless.

Until she admits she has a problem and seeks help, you can't support her. You can only support yourself. It sounds as if you have put in boundaries - you refuse to see her at a time when she is likely to have been drinking. That is a healthy start. If she says anything you can add to that and tell her that you will not see her unless she is sober, and that she is not to drink in your presence or you will leave. All those are sensible things to do, and alcoholics need consequences.

Please try to seek support for yourself from an organisation like Al-Anon or similar. If you Google 'support for families of alcoholics' all kind of useful links will come up. And keep posting here, we have all been there in some form.

My mother died in 2019, my husband in 2018 - both were alcoholics. So I no longer have alcoholics in my life. Nevertheless I still attend a support group because my DDs and I are still dealing with the fallout. You deserve help and support too so you can rebuild your life.

Your story has really been lovely to read …I have a friend for 40 years and have had holidays with her . She only ever drank water sociably and I never suspected she was drinking 2+ bottles of wine,daily since I have known her !
She is still functioning but doesn’t drive 🤔
I genuinely think her husband is oblivious or ignoring that she has a problem. Have confronted him but I think he has closed down!!

My friends Mum is an alcoholic,
she is 73 and had a stroke earlier this year and the alcoholism was apparently a major contributing factor;

This lady had a good job, nice home and it had been going on years and she now also has chronic renal failure and is basically a ticking time bomb.

In a weird way this stroke has stopped her going to the shops as she isn't mobile so she's not had any alcohol since the stroke snd nobody will enable this.

She's extremely unwell and in a lot of pain and is unwell mentally and physically and is a total advert of why not to drink.

The family and friends won't enable and
Buy alcohol and the carers are under strict instructions not to buy any but when she was in hospital her kids emptied out literally hundreds of bottles some empty, some half full and some sealed it really was very sad 😞

She's asking every day for "just one drink" and even now she fails to see how it's affected her she looks awful and I'm just dreading the call to say she's passed away such a waste of life

Hello everyone, new and old.

I’ve felt a bit less crazed by the whole situation recently but still hard to shake the sadness and bursts of guilt that I should be ‘doing something’. Definitely recommend Al-Anon though – I’ve been to three meetings now and they are all so lovely and I’ve definitely come away with some tools to help keep me sane.

I’m so sorry for those of you with alcoholic mothers, that must be very hard. I can totally relate to the feeling of ‘not having a mother (in my case, sister)’. Having lost my parents recently, what’s happening is another layer of grief. And, yes, when I see friends going on holiday with their siblings, or out for a meal, or to get their nails done together – or anything really! – it feels pretty shit. But I am trying very hard to focus on all the good things in my life (never thought I’d be someone making gratitude lists but it does help!) and looking after myself.

Letting go of my inner control freak is super-hard but I can’t control anything she does, can I? I always remember one of the first times I called Al-Anon, in a right state, saying that I couldn’t think about anything else except my sister’s alcoholism, I couldn’t eat properly, or sleep properly, and the lady on the other end of the line, very calmly and kindly just said ‘And how is all that stress and worry changing the situation?’ And it was a bit of a lightbulb moment because, of course, it wasn’t making any difference whatsoever, except for making me ill.

@pointythings it’s always lovely to see you on these threads. You are so kind to come and share your experiences and support others, even though your relatives are no longer with you.

I’ll leave this now with a quote that I found helpful the other week when a crisis was in full swing (I never used to be someone that posted quotes either, haha!):

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Have a safe, kind and calm week everyone

Hi everyone. I had to name change as I ballsed up on another thread.

I’ve had advice from Al-anon on not intervening, but to let my family member hit rock bottom and then hopefully have her own motivation to get up from it. I’m struggling with how that looks on a practical level though.

Specifically, how should I react to lies? She’s telling me things that if they were true, would warrant the police being called. They are so many holes in her story that it’s obvious it’s not true. Not as she’s told it anyway.

Do I carry on giving her sympathy and urging her to call the police, or call her out on it?

Yes, both parents, and I believe my sister is too.

My dad is an alcoholic. His drinking has been a source of tension for a long time between my parents but nothing is said out loud naming what he is. It’s recently come to more of a head, with him starting to fall, having nosebleeds, very bad confusion, etc.

He has finally made a doctor appointment to address the physical symptoms but I know he won’t be honest about how much he drinks. I think I need to call the doctor before the appointment to give him the reality of all this.

I just don’t know what else to do. My mum is in bits between worrying about him and dealing with his outbursts but it’s weighing on me having to manage both of them. It’s just awful. Sympathies to everyone with similar issues on this thread.

Posts like yours @Justcrackingon are the reason I love Mumsnet that's exactly the sort of thing I needed to hear right now. I've spent my week sick with worry and guilt over my mum and you're so right, what the hell has that achieved apart from actually casting a dark cloud over my own home and family?

It's so hard though.

Hi all, and welcome to any newbies.

@GreyGrey I obviously don't know your exact circumstances but I would just avoid getting dragged into a drama as much as possible. If my sister tells me about some situation or other, I tend to just repeat bland things like 'oh gosh, that doesn't sound good, it sounds like you need to talk to the police/see a doctor/call housing services.' I'll offer to find telephone numbers for her, because she doesn't use the internet, but other than that step away. It usually all comes to nothing or she does vaguely sort something out. Personally, I wouldn't bother challenging her on her lies - she either believes the lies herself, so won't like the challenge, or she knows she's lying about it and will get defensive. Maybe just keep encouraging her to call the police but there's little else you can do, especially if you think it's all BS.

@BrightSideRightSide - I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It really is crap, isn't it? Make sure that you and your mum have all the support you need. I know it's repeated often but Al-Anon really can be helpful.

@JamesMartinsWaistcoat - sorry you've had a bad week. It's very easy for me to be calm and dole out advice when there isn't a crisis going on but I know from experience how hard it is when the shit hits the fan. Focus on yourself and give your family a big squeeze.

and to all.