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Alcohol support

My dad is an alcoholic

7 replies

PinkGin111 · 29/07/2020 00:40

As the title says. He has been an alcoholic as far as I can remember. I am now 28 and he is 52. He has been sober for 4 weeks now because he has been given a year left to live and needs a new liver. Him and my mum split up 17 years ago because he couldn’t stop drinking. He never paid for us, never had a relationship with me or my sister, doesn’t have a relationship with my sons. He chose the drink. He remarried a year after my mum and him split up, but his wife has now left him after 16 years. Said she couldn’t cope anymore and hadn’t been happy for years. So he is now on his own, still not drinking. I feel guilty and feel like I should help him (he doesn’t eat and takes lots of meds). But then I think why should I help him when he’s lost everything and never wanted a real relationship with me or my children.

Just to throw this in there - he was on a 6 figure salary when I was a child, but the alcohol took over, he chose drink, didn’t want to work anymore and now is too ill to work (living off sick pay and benefits). I shouldn’t care but it’s my dad, and he probably feels sad he’s on his own now - all his fault. I wish I didn’t care, but deep down I do.

I keep having visions of how I’ll feel when he isn’t here anymore. He isn’t the same person as he was as the drink has really affected his brain. He isn’t really with it at all.

OP posts:
PinkGin111 · 29/07/2020 00:42

If anyone has any advice on what I should do please let me know. Is it best I just cut him out completely? Or spend his last few months with him.

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 29/07/2020 00:45

Didn’t want to read and run. My dad was an alcoholic too. He also lost his once very considerable intellectual powers. It’s very sad. I deal with it by accepting that he had an addiction which in the end he could not beat.

There’s a saying called the 3 C’s that you might have heard you didn’t cause his alcoholism, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Hold on to that.


HopeClearwater · 29/07/2020 00:46

Sorry, lack of punctuation.
Hopefully someone else will be along to give advice soon x

BritInAus · 29/07/2020 02:39

No advice, but sending thoughts. I have recently left my alcoholic partner (parent of my child). It is so so hard. You can only do what feels right for you.

AFitOfTheVapours · 29/07/2020 08:48

I wish I could give you good advice OP. What a horrible situation. Regardless of what you decide re your dad, I would def imagine some counselling (with someone who understands addiction) would be really helpful. Also, Nacoa? If you haven’t heard of them, they help children and adult children of alcoholics. Really sounds like a tough situation and that every bit of support you can get would help.

Techway · 29/07/2020 09:01

I am so sorry as it must have been horrendous for you.

I think you have to put yourself and family first. He will need to be sober for at least 6 months before they consider him eligible and he may not be well enough.

I would acess support for yourself. The liver trust can help with medical information as well as be compassionate.

No one would blame you if you don't support him, he has destroyed his relationships through alcohol abuse and many alcoholics remain alone when they pass.

You could choose to visit him on a weekly basis but not become responsible for him or care for him.Do you think you would want to do that?

PinkGin111 · 31/08/2020 20:55

Hi everyone, thought I would check in. I go from feeling okay the one moment to feeling really sad and dwelling on the past the next. He has lost his licence 3 times for drink driving (over a period of about 20 years) but the 3rd time about 8 years ago they have him a long ban and must retake his test and theory (he never had a theory test when he passed in the 80’s!!). I have lots of questions I want to ask him but he never takes the blame so I think what’s the point.

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