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Alcohol support

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Totally unsure how to deal with this - need advice - please help

21 replies

HappySonHappyMum · 26/07/2020 10:43

To start with I am completely tee-total, my family rarely drink alcohol so I am completely naive when it comes to dealing with this situation. There is one close relative in my DH's family that is giving us huge cause for concern. He is 66, recently retired and drinking himself to death. This is not new - he has always drunk his brother was also an alcoholic. We saw him last week for the first time after lockdown - he looked dreadful. He's had a nasty fall and showed us the bruises (was drunk) and he is complete denial that alcohol has anything to do with it. His wife popped round for a family occasion yesterday and let us know that he is out of control. 3 bottles of Bacardi and 18 bottles of wine as well IN THE LAST WEEK. He gets up in the morning and starts drinking - doesn't drink anything but alcohol. His wife is clearly devastated and in tears taking about it. He has kids and grandchildren but it's not enough. How can we support her, what do we need to do - we love them both. He's going to kill himself isn't he Sad

OP posts:
FatherBrownsBicycle · 26/07/2020 10:47

That is so sad. I have alcoholics in my family and it is such a worry but they won’t change. It’s good his wife has you for support.
AA have support for family members so will be able to offer advice

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

FoxtrotOscar20 · 26/07/2020 10:49

They have to want to change
You cannot force anyone to change

NellieandRufus · 26/07/2020 10:54

Alcoholics (along with other addicts) are some of the most selfish people you will meet, addiction makes them that way. Their drug of choice will come before anyone and anything.

He will need to decide for himself he wants to change, but this may never happen. I would be encouraging his wife to leave, a life with an alcoholic is no life at all.

If she does, it may well be the jolt he needs to decide to seek help for his addiction or he may use it as the excuse to carry on.

HappySonHappyMum · 26/07/2020 11:33

She'll never leave him - she focuses her life on her children and grandchildren and carries on her life without him. She does buy his alcohol though as he won't leave the house and if he left the house he'd probably drive. My DH was going to have a chat with him - but this may cause more problems than it fixes but it's not going to change unless the relative wants it to. She has lots of friends who she leans on but it's like he's given up on life really. I should add that he's on blood pressure medication and heart tablets - I'm sad but also quite angry with him.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/07/2020 12:22

She does buy his alcohol though as he won't leave the house and if he left the house he'd probably drive

She should refuse to buy alcohol and the second he gets into his car drunk call 999. Anything less is enabling and she is part of the problem.

NellieandRufus · 26/07/2020 12:23

She’s enabling him, she should speak to Al-anon.

AFitOfTheVapours · 26/07/2020 13:53

Oh dear, it’s so sad. As everyone else has said, there is nothing at all you can do in terms of “fixing” him. That would only happen if he decided for himself that he wants to change and, sadly, that might be never.

It sounds as though your focus needs to be on his wife. Alanon could be a brilliant start. Could you offer to go with her (if you are willing)? A lot of meetings are probably still on zoom- maybe you could sit with her through the first few? It will probably be very emotional for her. If she has the money, finding a counsellor who specialises in addiction could also help her as somewhere to vent and with getting control of her enabling behaviour.

She is desperately trying to control the uncontrollable here and getting dragged into a really dysfunctional situation. It is not her fault but it is not a healthy reaction and she really needs help to strengthen her responses.

Alanon/counsellors would help her to see that she has no control over whether he drinks and drives. Good on her for thinking about the risk of this to everyone else but this is totally the wrong way to react.

A more healthy reaction is to refuse to ever buy him booze. If he then goes out drunk in the car, she reports him immediately. every time!

I know this is hard and she might (misguidedly) feel really disloyal, but it is MUCH more likely to help him in the long run. He will start to feel the real effects of his drinking and maybe that will eventually cause him to seek help.

Really good luck to you all. It is such a horrible disease.

Biscoffscoff · 26/07/2020 17:32

It's not ok to blame his partner for 'enabling' him; if he's a dependent drinker and he goes without it could kill him. If he got in the car and drove, best case scenario the police pick him up and then she's dealing with that fall out too, worst case he kills someone before the police respond?

I think some people on here have zero idea what it's like to live with an addict. Ultimatums and setting traps don't work.

Op, I'd second Al anon. Unfortunately there's very little you can do other than be there for her. It's not impossible that he'd change, but it's unlikely - you can offer him support if he wants to do it but the longer it's gone on the less likely he is to change.

NellieandRufus · 26/07/2020 18:16

Yes, cold turkey is dangerous and isn't something to be done without medical support. Buying him large quantities of the very drug that they fear is going to kill him is not right either.

AFitOfTheVapours · 26/07/2020 19:47

@Biscoffscoff- I agree with you that labelling someone as enabling or codependent can sound like an accusation/blame thing. It’s a really inadequate response to someone who’s living with this day to day and just trying to cope with the situation. I defy anyone to avoid at least a bit of that behaviour if they find themselves living with the chaos, madness, dysfunction etc that go hand in hand with alcoholism. However, I don’t think what I and others have suggested is about setting traps. It is about recognising that this lady could make herself ill trying to control an awful situation. What most of us learn from living in this situation is that you can’t control the chaos any more than the alcoholic can control their drinking.

The trouble is, OP, that alcoholism is a progressive disease that tends to get worse over time. If she is buying his booze to avoid him drink driving, is she actually gaining any control over the situation? He might anyway choose to drive after he has polished off the booze she’s bought for him. Then what? He has an accident and she then has to live with her own guilt?

If anyone chooses to drink and drive, it is solely that person’s responsibility. However, the rest of us have a responsibility to report it immediately without a second thought. you can also report it as a general risk -anonymously - via crime stoppers’ website and mention he has a drink problem). I think that is placing responsibility for an awful situation onto the right people, rather than your relative trying to take all the responsibility herself.

Good luck.

Fairenuff · 26/07/2020 21:07

@Biscoffscoff

It's not ok to blame his partner for 'enabling' him; if he's a dependent drinker and he goes without it could kill him. If he got in the car and drove, best case scenario the police pick him up and then she's dealing with that fall out too, worst case he kills someone before the police respond?

I think some people on here have zero idea what it's like to live with an addict. Ultimatums and setting traps don't work.

Op, I'd second Al anon. Unfortunately there's very little you can do other than be there for her. It's not impossible that he'd change, but it's unlikely - you can offer him support if he wants to do it but the longer it's gone on the less likely he is to change.

The first time she refuses to by alcohol for him, he will not got into withdrawal shock. He will attempt to get it himself and as long as she calls 999 immediately they will get someone out to arrest him.

This is what is needed. It's not an ultimatum and it's not setting a trap it is just drawing a line and saying, I am not going to enable your addiction.

It is absolutely crucial that she do this. Otherwise she is enabling and it will continue until he dies.

Biscoffscoff · 26/07/2020 21:43

@Fairenuff in what world do you live in that you get an immediate 999 response to a drunk driver? Have you ever tried phoning the police for an emergency?

Sorry to derail the thread but it's not helpful advice, and it's putting the onus on the partner. It's victim blaming.

Plenty of people 'enable' others addictions, it's often the safest way to deal with things. I'm sure the partner isn't oblivious to what she's doing, she's been living with this situation for years after all

HappySonHappyMum · 26/07/2020 22:16

This has been going on for years - he's always drunk heavily - and yes she's enabling him by buying the stuff but he'll just whine and moan until she does. By buying the alcohol she can control him somewhat and she removes the keys - he hardly drives anymore as he struggles to walk. He's a sleepy drunk not aggressive or nasty. She's been worn down over the years by it all, ultimatums aren't going to work, he relies on her totally, he'd just give up and die - I don't think he ever cooks or even knows how to use the washing machine! But I suppose this is the only element of control she has in the chaos. It's so horrible to watch. I just want to be there to help her. What can I say or do that would help?

OP posts:
NellieandRufus · 26/07/2020 22:58

Has she ever discussed his drinking problem with him and told him how unhappy it makes her?

Fairenuff · 27/07/2020 07:25

[quote Biscoffscoff]@Fairenuff in what world do you live in that you get an immediate 999 response to a drunk driver? Have you ever tried phoning the police for an emergency?

Sorry to derail the thread but it's not helpful advice, and it's putting the onus on the partner. It's victim blaming.

Plenty of people 'enable' others addictions, it's often the safest way to deal with things. I'm sure the partner isn't oblivious to what she's doing, she's been living with this situation for years after all[/quote]
In my world. Sorry if you've had a different response but I have called emergency services and had a very prompt response. If you ask the police 'what should I do if a drunk person gets behind the wheel of the car' they will say call 999. Why wouldn't you?

It's not victim blaming to say that the person supplying the drugs/alcohol is enabling. It's not an easy thing to hear but it's true. There is no way anyone can help the addict, they need to seek help themselves. If you continue to supply them then they won't need to seek help. Of course it's enabling and it should stop.

Ginfordinner · 27/07/2020 08:01

@NellieandRufus

Has she ever discussed his drinking problem with him and told him how unhappy it makes her?
You sound very naive. A discussion won't make any difference at all.

My BIL died on Saturday from cirrhosis of the liver. He was an alcoholic.

NellieandRufus · 27/07/2020 11:08

Naive? If only you knew.

I don't think I said anywhere that a conversation would make a difference. I asked as I was curious to know whether she had chosen to ignore the situation over the years.

I'm sorry you lost your BIL.

AFitOfTheVapours · 27/07/2020 13:22

OP, it sounds like you are in a really difficult situation and that both of your relatives are really entrenched in their existing roles.

To some extent, enabling behaviours are a natural consequence of finding yourself in an impossible situation. Lots of us have been there, but stick with that mindset and you are on a one way ticket to being dragged down with the alcoholic’s ever spiralling condition.

If stopping buying the booze creates an unbearable atmosphere with whining, perhaps she could point him in the direction of online shopping. That way she eliminates the risk of drink driving and her sense of responsibility for that. The important thing is that she passes back all responsibility for the drinking to him.

I think the very best thing you can do is to offer to be a listening ear and to encourage her to go to Alanon and/or counselling. They can really help her to find better ways to cope.

AFitOfTheVapours · 27/07/2020 13:24

Or just be a place to feel that she’s not the only one in this situation- far from it, unfortunately.

HappySonHappyMum · 28/07/2020 11:00

I think the drinking has always been the elephant in the room. We all know that he is an alcoholic but I don't think anyone actually says anything. I think @AFitOfTheVapours sums it up perfectly really and I think trying to pass the responsibility of drinking back to him would be really good for her but I don't think she's got the strength to do it. They've been together for over 40 years so I'm not sure she's capable of this change. I will gently ask her of she's thought about contacting Alanon but I think she'd probably be offended if she though everyone viewed her as weak too.

OP posts:
AFitOfTheVapours · 28/07/2020 11:16

Still so much stigma around alcoholism. Could you maybe word it like a friend you know who’s husband “drinks too much” goes along to Alanon to just have a cup of tea and chat with people on the same position and really recommends it. Maybe say what a strong woman she is? You’ll know best but hope you have some luck.

She must be a super strong woman to have lived with it for 40 years!

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