Residential rehab

[queenofabsolutelynothing]

Family relative has been a heavy drinker for over thirty years.

He lost his job just before lockdown through drinking. Has a huge amount of debt and is currently in a, in my opinion, toxic on/off relationship. Has a mortgage on a flat.

He went through a four week non-residential rehab course two years ago and was dry for about three months before starting to drink again. He stayed with us for five months but went back to his flat as we couldn’t cope with his drinking (a very morose drunk, starts arguments and wrecks the house).

He has been very bad since losing his job, starts drinking first thing in the morning. Has suffered two episodes of seizures, was admitted to hospital after the second set but discharged himself after three days. Went back to A&E a few days ago as he was having heart palpitations but, as far as we can tell, was not offered much treatment. Went home same day but not sure if his choice or the hospital’s.

He has been told to gradually cut down in his alcohol consumption but apparently currently drinking three bottles of wine a day. He was told a total sudden stop in drinking would lead to more seizures.

He has been offered a week’s residential rehab bed, should have a place in a couple of weeks.

He seems to think this will be the magic solution but can a week’s treatment really solve his problem?

It cant but u want him to stop does he? The saying goes y can go to slimming world every week and not lose weight - cause u eat crap all week as your head isnt right

Thank you for replying. He seems to think that this week will provide the magic button to stop him drinking.

He knows he needs to stop but whether he wants to is another thing.

Speaking as an ex heavy smoker, I knew I needed to stop but didn’t for years until I wanted to and even then it took a massive effort on my part. I imagine it’s even worse with drinking.

It’s terrible to watch and not be able to do anything.

Agree as my husband same. I've bit bk tonight as he said was gonna go of work with stress. His mh been shit years takes meds bit drinks excessively. All everyone else's fault really annoys me.

This sounds really hard. I would imagine the week is for the actual detox itself (so he doesn't have a seizure). After that, he will need to be motivated enough to change his life, going to AA and similar every day potentially, finding other activities to fill the time in his life that he spent drinking. Perhaps he could plan this in advance of the detox? Does he have follow up with an addictions worker? Antabuse would be another option to look at too. I hope it goes well.

Thank you, it’s difficult to get any definitive answers out him so not sure about the follow up afterwards.

It seems like all we can do is hope.

How old r u and he any kids?

This is very hard to hear but I'm afraid you have no control of his behaviour. He is going to do whatever he does. Only he can stop drinking. I lost count of the number of times I tried to stop but thankfully I eventually did 14 years ago. Sadly not everyone manages to stop. It's an illness and some people don't survive it.
Please don't feel guilt if you do.

Hi OP, just to reiterate what others have said - the week would be useful as a detox and to prevent seizures but that's all. The long term solution is essentially what he wants to do. I've been in AA for 12 years and "the only requirement is the desire to stop drinking". But that desire has to supersede all other desires, and you have to want sobriety with every fibre of your being. I've been where he was and it's a dark and lonely place.

There are countless Zoom meetings going on every day - is that something he has expressed any interest in?

Does he want to stop? I mean really want to? I was desperate to stop drinking. I wouldn't have even classed myself as an alcoholic either (I don't really agree with the label but thats another thread) I just drank habitually most evenings and 'out out' always resulted in me drinking far too much. The reason I couldn't stop was because I was led to believe that alcohol was an essential part of life. Parties? Get the vino in? Barbecue? Get the vino in..etc etc.
So although I hated feeling sluggish or hungover I couldn't imagine an alcohol free life. Anyway I had huge success stopping drinking after reading Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck. To be honest it was a miracle. I haven't drunk a drop since finishing it over a year ago.
Similar books include Annie Grace This Naked mind and Jason Vale kick the drink easily. I know hundreds of people (online) who never thought they could stop drinking who have stopped following these.
Would your relative be open to trying? You can also get these books on audible for those who don't enjoy reading.
A dear friend of mine attended rehab many times. It was always successful for a period but like so many he simply couldn't imagine a happy alcohol free life. He never did get sober

Thank you for all the replies.

He’s 49, no children.

In my opinion he’s of the ‘should stop’ rather than ‘want to stop’ mindset at the moment.

Been to AA, didn’t like it (not as bad as them).

Jason Vine book no good.

Won’t countenance online AA, not interested.

Has been on an anti-alcohol drug in the past but prescription ran out and didn’t follow up.

Will fixate on current problem and blame that for his drinking (latest one is he doesn’t get on with his partner’s family).

Now regularly phoning his father to say how worried he is about money (we have helped out financially in the past). He is just not capable of getting another job at the moment.

The family have now told him that we will do everything we can to help him but only when he stops drinking.

I’ve disengaged somewhat now, I can’t cope with it. I’m going to lose a very good friend to cancer and listening to his drunken ramblings gives me the rage frankly.

Tbh its for the best. Your health and wellbeing comes before his. Its upsetting to witness but you can't fix them.

Thank you

You can’t do anything. It’s his problem to fix, not yours. The week will prevent him from dropping dead while they cut down his intake, but won’t deal with the fact that he’ll pop to the offie on the way home and load up.
I have a friend who essentially uses residential rehab as a holiday. She hands over the responsibility for her drinking to someone else and absolves herself. It’s a break from having to acknowledge her part. Then she feels great because she’s dried out, feels sceptical that she a problem at all because she feels great, comes up against one of the usual aspects of her life, and the cycle starts again. She freely acknowledges that living life dry probably isn’t worth it as she likes drinking too much. She’s a mean and dangerous drunk but blames everyone else for her drinking. Including her kids. It’s always someone else’s fault.

Thank you for your reply. You’ve summed my relative up very neatly (unfortunately).

His father is used to ‘solving’ things and can’t accept that this is something he can’t solve, plus it’s so awful watching someone destroy their life.

My friend who died (I mentioned him upthread) had absolutely everything. Money, property a loving family. He just couldn't envisage a life without it. I consider myself extremely lucky to have seen the light.

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising but I just wanted to offer you huge congratulations on your sobriety.