What best to do ? Advice on support

[RinceandRepeat]

NC for this.

Our late 20s DD has an alcohol dependence problem. Only revealed itself a couple of months ago with an A&E admission - it suddenly made a lot of incidents ( blackouts, erratic behaviour ) make sense. Not a social drinker ( her DH doesn’t drink at all ) it had all been secret, alone and developed over this past year from about spring.

Had been down all year - much more depressed than anyone knew but refused to engage with GP until after the first A&E incident Prescribed antidepressants. Still did not tell GP about drinking until I went with her ( at her request) though still tried to minimise.

A few more dramatic incidents, including at work ( who have been very good and have given her leave - though they think for depression and anxiety alone. )She’s very good as masking and deception - which is something I could never have guessed at )

She has been staying with us, in a safe, alcohol free environment and had said she absolutely wants to stop. Agreed to go to group support - but backed out and then has refused to engage at all with outside help, insisting that she can do this herself ( the binge incidents and remorse and ‘ this is it, I can do it ‘ has happened before, several times, thus my user name) . Did get to 10 days dry today but has relapsed, even though the stakes are very high now for her marriage and her job.

Had talked a few weeks ago to a family member who is a recovering alcoholic, who had got her to admit the depth and length of the problem. She reads all the literature, talks the talk but then - this again.

We do know that it is up to the alcoholic to truly ( not lip service ) make the decision to stop, and we had become aware that we were in danger of enabling her by continually rescuing her but just wanted to help ( in conjunction with her DH ) keep her physically safe.

Her father and I had discussed detaching more - for our own sanity as much as for her.

My question is, for those who have struggled or are succeeding with this, what would you want from your loved ones ? What is helpful ? Do we just let her stay alone in her flat in the day and drink herself into oblivion ( her DH working and has to travel ) or do we offer her a safe space back here again and go through the same loop ?

This thread is about how you perceive her drinking. Do you know why she drinks? Does she know? There is a reason.

There is a whole world between letting her drink herself into oblivion and attempting to control it. This is her problem not yours and any cure lies in addressing the underlying problems. She is young and with your support she will do this. Her career/marriage may be the source of her problems so don't hold these over her. She is young, if she needs a second chance, let her have it. I suspect that if she knows she's supported, the screw up will be far less than if she feels she's going it alone.

Is she a high achiever? I get the impression from your thread this may be the case. If so maybe she needs to step back from the job, maybe the marriage. She has you op, and she is very lucky. Give her the space she needs to recover and make you proud.

Thank you for replying.

She has always been anxious and a perfectionist - a high achiever academically, driven to an extent that concerned us, and very capable but has made some impetuous career choices and is working in something that really does not suit her. She did try to resign from the job after discussions a couple of weeks ago but they have asked her to think about it more and have given her further leave. It isn’t the job per se that is stressing her - it occupies and engages her when she is doing it but the field is not right for her. We think, as does her husband, that she should step back from it but she is clinging on to the idea of its stability.

Her husband is a very kind and compassionate person, who is baffled by this extreme turn of events - he has never drunk, which made it easier to get her secret drinking past him. She says she really loves him - though she knows this hurts him.

She says that the depression came first and small amounts of drinking were initially an attempt to lift her mood. She was in another job earlier in the year - quit that and went freelance in the summer - which is when she was alone with her depression and that seems to be when the drinking escalated. She got this new job and everything seemed to be ok for a while but then was collapsing and depressed at the weekend.

It must seem very naive of us all that we did not recognise the blackouts and hangovers as secret binge drinking - all fell into place when I accidentally found a stash of bottles. Her sister had suspected something.

When she started this job she did make an appointment to see a therapist - but events re A&E suoerceded tyst and now she doesn’t want to engage at all.

My son is an addict (drugs) but in recovery. You can support without enabling but it's a fine line. I've only managed to do this with clear boundaries, for example: no drugs in the house. Addicts need support and i often find it distressing on MN when I read advice about walking away. Leaving her alone in a flat is not the answer but clear/definite boundaries are. We tried to back off, left our son in a flat (with partner) and things detoriated very quickly. Try not to micro manage her, however tempting, it won't help and it will slowly drive you mad with anxiety.
What i've found with addiction, the drink or drugs is a symptom of something else going on. We try so hard to fix the addiction but ignore the reason it began in the first place. This is the key, your DD wouldn't have started drinking to excess without a reason, whether it's her job, marriage or perhaps some trauma she has suffered that you don't know about. I would begin with a mental health diagnosis, unfortunately this would need to be done privately. The NHS waiting lists are long, also if someone is actively using drugs/drink they won't get a referral. Therapy will only work if your daughter really wants to engage. Hopefully the anti depressants will break through and she will begin to engage with therapy more.

She saw the crisis psych team at the hospital after a blue light to A & E who diagnosed depression and anxiety - which her GP is treating with antidepressants. She says the depression is definitely improving ( no more plunges into utter darkness ) but the anxiety is still there.

We , her family and her DH, would love her to have a proper MH assessment and treatment/ therapy - the money is available for private, that’s not a concern. We did ask her GP, with her, for a steer in the right direction but he was determined on the NHS community team referral ( which she is not engaging with ) and quite cynical about therapists.

Any suggestions about what sort of MH professional path we should be looking for ? ( live in London so access not difficult )

Try not to micro manage her, however tempting, it won't help and it will slowly drive you mad with anxiety

And yes, this ^^

Hi. Recovering alcoholic here (10 years sober) - the one thing that worked for me (and it sounds like your DD isn't receptive to) was AA. Being around ppl who had the same "thinking" as me helped hugely. I have heard many thousands of alcoholics share their stories and it often starts with feeling like they didn't fit in, and that outside stressors meant they sought a "solution" and once they found alcohol, that helped. Then it became a dependence & stopped working.

In terms of therapeutic input, I have had outside therapy for my MH issues & that has helped hugely too. I saw a psychiatrist (actually several) who made my MH diagnoses & referred me for psychodynamic therapy - it involved looking into my childhood & my past & my patterns of relationships, etc.

There are lots of alcohol services in London who might be able to point you in the right direction. Have the MH team who saw her not referred her for therapy? In my experience, it has always helped if that person knows recovery very well.

There are also treatment centres (like the Priory) where she could go as an inpatient & get intensive support.

Thank you, @QueenOfOversharingThe MH team didn’t refer - though they said they would at one point - but then said it was better handled at GP level. GP has made a referral to the dependence team, but my DD is being evasive about that. We saw another GP in the practice on an on the day appointment to get a sick note, and asked her about potential private MH professionals - but DD didn’t want to engage then. We live in the next borough over, and as she has been staying with us whiist on leave, she agreed to come to the Smart Recovery meeting - very crowded, everyone knew each other and it just freaked her out. Did get self referral from that to this borough’s substance abuse support but she refused to go to an initial meeting at the last minute - insisting she could deal with this herself. And hasn’t.

We are currently researching talking therapy practitioners but there is such a range - we need to define what type of approach and specialisation they offer. And yes, the Priory is on our list.

@RinceandRepeat if you're in N London and think it might help if someone offered to go to a meeting with her (AA), please do message me. I'd be happy to help.

@QueenOfOversharing That’s really very kind of you but we are the other end of London and she is not receptive to A.A. The family member who she talked to who is a recovering alcoholic ( decades sober) has been very involved with A.A. and has tried to persuade her. He thinks she might come around to it eventually . As a side note, he has been very helpful to us, pointing out the realities of the situation and the classic denial and deflection.

@RinceandRepeat it's often a very frustrating journey & to watch someone you love doing something so obviously dangerous, must be hell. I watched my brother & my ex use a lot of drugs (before my drinking) & couldn't understand it. It's a lot like an abusive relationship - we can all see how wrong it is & where it'll end up, but they are in it & only want to protect it.

My DS (21) is addicted to online gaming, so I'm struggling with that - I'm just glad I understand about addiction and that the "substance" isn't the problem, rather the reasons for it are.

@QueenOfOversharingShe has been to the GP this am for scheduled appointment ( with her DH) who has increased her antidepressant dose and she and her husband are off somewhere tomorrow for a couple of weeks where alcohol is not available ( not going there just because of that - planned for a long time) . Not going to be a solution but is talking about being receptive to treatment - though has said that before and not meant it .

@RinceandRepeat this sounds like a hopeful short term solution. Maybe if she manages to stay sober, she might feel more receptive to help when she gets back. And good that she saw her GP. Her antidepressants won't have been working fully anyway with the alcohol.

I hope you manage to have a peaceful Christmas. And I hope she gets through this period & be ok without alcohol.

Hi Op. I can relate to your story as I have been through similar. After qualifying in my profession I started buying alcohol to deal with my emotions most evenings. Over time this escalated. I was very secretive about my alcohol consumption and went to massive lengths to keep it hidden. When I realised I had a problem and tried to cut back, I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried.
My drinking escalated and eventually I went to my Gp and confessed all. He contacted a addiction councillor who I saw weekly throughout the next two years. He was very adamant that I attended AA but I couldn't bear the thought of going to AA and especially bumping in to people I knew. Eventually I went for treatment and finally when my back was up against the wall I started going to AA meetings. It wasn't easy but it has been the only thing that stopped the obsessive thinking about alcohol and the physical allergy ( once you have one you have to have more). I am now sober years and have a new way of life thanks to AA.
I'd also like to say that yes of course it is important to address any underlying issues but it is also important to know that if all these issues are addressed and sorted you are still left with the disease of alcoholism. For me anyway I will always be an alcoholic but through support it is a manageable disease.