That's it. Moderation time.

[JorisBonson]

I went on my work Xmas lunch yesterday. I drank my bodyweight several times over in beer, prosecco and tequila. I spent almost £200.

I got on the wrong train and had to get a £20 taxi back. I fell twice, first time smacking my temple off a lamp post and cracking my back tooth. Second time was while waiting for my taxi in the middle of nowhere. Taxi driver had to help me up.

Smashed my phone screen and that will need replaced.

I can't do this any more. I keep getting over excited, getting blackout drunk and doing stupid things. I could have died if I'd called differently yesterday.

I am going to learn about and attempt to practice moderation. If that's not possible, I'll just have to quit drinking.

Sigh.

Sounds awful. Ironically moderation is usually a rule we put in place to ‘control’ our ‘out of control drinking’...think about it- you’ve probably already lost control. ‘Normal’ drinkers (whatever that is) don’t need to put rules in place. I used to put all sorts of rules in place: only drink at the weekend; only drink when out; never drink alone; only drink 3 glasses of wine; only drink red wine; stop drinking wine and only drink gin.... the list goes on. Believe me, it’s mentally exhausting; stopping completely, strangely, is easier. Then again, I think when we start to have those nagging ‘do I have a problem’ thoughts, we all have to try the moderation path at first.

Thanks @Biggeorge1985. I think that's a road I'm going to have to explore. I've done so many stupid things while drunk but last night takes the cake. I could have given myself a really serious head injury and am in a lot of pain today. I can't even remember where I was when I did it and what I did straight after. I can't remember being on the wrong train and I only vaguely remember being in a dodgy part of town falling over while trying to order a cab.

My DP is disappointed with me and has had to come and rescue me several times in the past.

I am dreading going back to work next week. I can't remember what I said and I know I would have been embarrasing.

It’s so horrible when you can’t remember things from the night. The worry and anxiety of partial blackouts makes those nights seem seedy and so much worse. In terms of your work friends, it sounds like you were on your own when a lot of the stuff happened? Also, yes, it’s horribly embarrassing trying to piece together what was said and to whom etc but you’ll probably find a lot of other people were also very drunk and are probably also nursing a hangover and worrying what they said or did! . It will seem worse to you because of how bad you feel. Having said that, you sound like you need to make changes before disaster strikes.

I think I was on my own. I really hope I was.

I do remember not being let in somewhere because I was too drunk, and I was with colleagues then.

The problem with having a 'rule' about eg only 3 drinks, is that by the time you're 3 drinks in and someone asks if you want a drink, you're going to say yes.

Your post really worried me - as you say, you could have been killed. If that doesn't make you change, what will?

Have a look at the Jason Vale book, "Kick the Drink...Easily" - it's massively successful at getting people to stop drinking altogether.

Thanks @HollowTalk. That's the exact argument I'm having with myself at the moment. I think I've proven, especially recently, that I can't just go out and enjoy a few drinks without going over the top and getting myself into a scrape. I'll have a look at that book today.

I think you need to change the way you think about things, though. You say, "I can't just go out and enjoy a few drinks without going over the top and getting myself into a scrape." But actually that was a near death miss. Anything could have happened to you. You already hurt yourself physically. You could have walked out into traffic. You could have got into a stranger's car. I think it's only when you recognise exactly how dangerous your situation was that you'll be able to stop drinking.

My friends and I are doing a dry 2020. It was the very fact that the thought horrified us that made us realise how regularly we were drinking. Is it something you could consider?

I agree with @Biggeorge1985, cutting it out completely is much easier than moderation.

I’m de lurking to agree with the others. I have tried to moderate for years. So many similar rules to upthread. I will only drink every other day so my liver gets a break (except at the weekend which Thursday totally is). I will only drink red wine (except when I see a great Sancerre or it’s summer or they run out and offer me something else). I will only drink G&Ts (until dinner when I’ll just have a little glass of wine with the meal. Or two). I won’t drink Sunday to Thursday. Except Sunday lunch. And if I’ve had really hard day at work on Thursday.

I made each new rule after smashing the last one to smithereens. “I’ll be AF in Jan except New Year’s Day, X’s birthday, Y’s birthday, Burns Night and that client dinner”. So not actually dry.

Then I moved on to downloading the Drinkaware app with the idea of just sticking to moderate drinking while aiming for under 14 units a week which is low. I just hoped I might come in at under 28 most weeks and keep myself on Amber. My whole summer was scarlet red for High Risk bar three weeks where I am at things like 27.6 units.

I listened to the Jason Vale audio and I am Done with drinking and it is awesome. I have done 2 months, socialised very happily which is actually unthinkable for me. Every time I woke up with that sinking feeling of realising I failed to moderate again, I would think “I have to stop now. I have to. I’m drinking more not less” I would IMMEDIATELY think “but you can’t have a Sunday roast in the pub without a velvety glass of red. You’ll be permanently on edge and jealous. Just have one. And stick to it. You don’t want to have to give something so pleasurable up forever based on last night.”

Or picturing myself unable to make small talk at client or networking events, or watching my friends with their ice cold glasses of champagne at birthday parties, condensation on the flutes, glamour, buzz and fun - me on the outside of this enjoyment looking in, my fingers white knuckled round a tumbler of tap water, feet tapping, jaw tightening and dry of chat and running off at 8.30 feeling enraged at the unfairness that I am not able to ever have fun at a party again.

It is SO NOT LIKE THAT! I have no more decisions to make, no agonising over what nights I can allow myself to drink and what nights I white knuckle at party season. I go to everything, I chat away, I sleep SO WELL when I get home and take my make up off properly. I don’t wake up at 3am, dehydrated and afraid to open my eyes in case my hangover has already started early, groping for my glass of water, hoping I remembered to fill it before I passed out.

I open my eyes every day DELIGHTED that I’m so refreshed, I lost 6lbs while eating the same. I have the energy to do a home workout now and very so often (I am lazy but slimmer!), someone asked if I had had Botox as my skin is so much better.

I have saved so much money, my husband (who was not keen initially despite having to do a lot due to my hangovers) LOVES the cheerful me, and I never have to drink alcohol again. It is liberating and amazing and moderating is SO SHIT and difficult and so very much the symptom of an ever progressing problem. It totally takes the fun out of booze (and please read this Jason Vale book) and alcohol is not all it’s cracked up to be. Not drinking is brilliant. Can not recommend it enough. More money, better sleep, higher sex drive and weight loss. What’s not to love?

Kick the Drink by Jason Vale
The Easy Way to Control Alcohol by Allan Carr
The Naked Mind by Annie Grace

And - there are a couple of documentaries- drinking to oblivion which is Louis Theroux. And an older one called something like Raining in my Heart which is on Youtube.

Sorry this is such an essay but I wasted so much time and worry and agonising on moderating and it’s such a waste of life.
You injured yourself and fell over twice, you could have been attacked by anyone as a very easy target, your phone is smashed. You didn’t go out hoping you would end up being refused entry in front of colleagues and have a cab driver help you off the ground for the small price of £200.

Quitting alcohol has been great for me. I cannot recommend it enough. And it’s “giving up” nothing. Best of luck with it all, no matter what you choose.

So true Phantastick, I agree with everything you say.

Moderation takes up too much head space and willpower; quitting is so liberating and you never need to worry about losing control ever again.

Day 47 here. I have a work's do on Thursday, not drinking, not a problem.

At Christmas, we have several family get togethers, no drinking, why would I? I can have as much, if not more, fun and enjoyment sober.

I echo the recommendations above, all good ideas. Can I also suggest the Annie Grace 30 day alcohol experiment, a month's worth of emails with links to daily youtube videos. All free, you don't have to subscribe either at sign up or afterwards. You can keep a journal, but I didn't, and it still works.

Good luck on your sober journey!

I'm doing ok moderating, but it can be exhausting. I recommend at least a month sober first.

I think you need to stop completely.

6 dry days

Well done. I track mine on an app. Good to see progress

Excellent post @Phantastick It totally resonates with me. I have failed at moderation so many times too. I am starting AF from early Jan for 100days. I know a month isn’t long enough to lose the cravings. Well done Joris!

@JorisBonson, that’s amazing, great news. I think waking up every morning and knowing I didn’t drink is so satisfying.

@iamyourequal - good idea to do 100 days. Have you read the Allen Carr book or Jason Vale? I only bang on because I don’t have cravings because of the books. I don’t think I have much willpower really - and I was so entrenched in the absolute belief that I enjoyed drinking. I think they’re nlp. I actually stopped once for 6 months and then assumed because I had found it simple I could moderate. I can’t. I just can’t. I certainly drank less initially but for me, moderating is so painful. I would think “2 drinks! Three at the most!” And spend all evening or all family barbecue or whatever, trying to drink slowly enough that I could have a glass of wine in hand the whole time. I would inevitably finish drink three and either want to leave immediately so I couldn’t physically have more OR stay, pining for a drink, resentfully watching other people merrily slurp down their booze while practically panting to get at some more, thus spending the rest of the party obsessing morosely about alcohol (I’m sure I was great company btw), OR I would have drink four and decide ‘to hell with it’ and carry on drinking.

It is so depressing - or was to me, to spend social occasions wanting a drink and hating yourself for the same fact. So called normal drinkers just don’t torture themselves like this. I am just not a normal drinker and I accept happily now that I know that and my life has immeasurably improved!

In the early days of quitting, if I had a flicker of “well,one would be nice, it’s been a week, my liver has had a break” etc etc I would think about what would happen next;

I’d have a glass of wine, then another, start that creeping feeling of dread that I am a weak willed person who is becoming an alcoholic. Have another because I started, get home, all the while warring with myself that I didn’t have that much, so it’s fine, while knowing I had intended to go out and have nothing. Go to bed feeling anxious about why I can’t keep this up, go to sleep, wake up at 3, remember I drank again, feel crushing disappointment and fear that I really will never be able to be free of alcohol, drain my water glass and hope I don’t wake up at 5 needing more water as my eyes ache, my head is fuzzy and my body feels unpleasant - in stark contrast to the previous alcohol free days.

I think I read on here somewhere that sobriety is to be enjoyed. The words sober and sobriety don’t conjure up enjoyable things, they seem representative of a life in black and white instead of colour. But the truth is, it can be so much fun. Of course your life doesn’t become perfect- but it gets easier to handle, you feel wellalmost all the time. I had this when I stopped smoking; the realisation that I had spent 15 years feeling slightly unwell daily. Incredible.

Another essay. I get very carried away on this. I feel so strongly because I relied on alcohol so heavily as a social lubricant, for extra confidence, to disinhibit me a little, bring out the fun me, blur the lines of my stress, went to wine courses even. And it’s all BS.

@Phantastick

I am just not a normal drinker

No statement has ever resonated with me so much!

Further to my injury last week I've booked myself a GP appointment for 5 today. Very strange, fuzzy headaches that won't go away with painkillers for the past couple of days, loss of appetite, feeling really spaced out. It's a ridiculously busy time for me at work and we're thin on the ground, if I have to go off work as a result of my stupidity I don't know what will happen to me.

Good idea to see the GP - better safe than sorry.

If you are off, then you are. Nothing you can do about the past - you can just sort out the present and the future. Which is excellent.

I hope you got on ok with the GP. I'm a failed moderator too. Once I'd read the books mentioned in this thread and a few more I was able to cheerfully put down the drink. I'm almost 9 months sober.
Best decision I ever made. I never thought I could live an alcohol free life but I am. I don't miss it.

I'm in the same boat. I've read the brilliant books by Caroline Knapp and and Tanya Glyde a thousand times. I'm starting to read Jason Vale. I'm finding drinking exhausting. It's no longer a pleasure. It's been too many years and I know it's the cause of my problems.

How did you get on Joris?

Hi everyone and thanks for the book suggestions Phantastick and another inspiring post (you too Northern). Well done all of you embracing AF living. I’m actually looking forward to joining you all come January. I am so fed up getting up feeling fuzzy and tired, but by 7pm I’m pouring a drink. This time of year is so stressful. Which is just ridiculous. I am going to get all the books downloaded to my kindle for January and do this properly. I hope you all have a good week.

@iamyourequal I have post concussion syndrome 😕 another thing to chuck on the not drinking pile!

Shit Joris that sounds proper serious, hope you are feeling much better today.

Thanks Elsa. Work is bedlam at the moment which isn't helping but only 2 more days before a couple of weeks off.