Brother & Alcohol!

[KaptenKrusty]

DH, Myself & stepson recently visited my brother, his wife & kids - they moved to the Countryside about 2 years ago and are quite far away from us now so we don't see them so much anymore!

Don't think he is getting on great with new life in the Countryside - not made many new friends & not overly happy at work etc!

On this visit he seemed to drink an awful lot - he drank a bottle of wine in the evening over dinner with us - then myself & my DH had one or 2 beers and went to bed (about 1am)- I woke at about 4 to get a glass of water and noticed my brother was still up watching tv and still drinking!

We had plans to take the children out the next morning to the beach & a fun fair (he was to drive us as we came by train) - we got up about 10am had our breakfast and waited and waited - no sign of brother getting up - I decided to wake him - he looked awful - was so obviously hungover - he denied it and said he just slept badly and had a headache!

He delayed leaving the house for ages making excuses - anyway in the end we never did go to the beach!

Apparently his wife has been questioning how many empty bottles there seems to be lying in the recycling each week and he is always making me excuses!!

He has slept through his alarm several times and nobody able to reach him (missing work on more than one occasion)

He came to stay with us a few months back and we had a day out planned for a matinee show in the West End - he was too hungover to join us and spent the day in bed!

I'm worried about him - I don't know what to do or how to help him?

He has a drinking problem right??

He does. I could have written this about my own brother. He almost died a couple of years ago due to his drinking but managed to get sober. For the last 6 months he has been back on it and I think he will be dead in 6 months. What I’ve learnt from this is that there is nothing YOU can do, he has to be the one to do it and him admitting to having a problem is the first step on a very long and unhappy road. I wish you good luck

Oh Gawd!!

I am sorry you are in a similar position!

I do worry - he is horribly overweight as well - looks so unhealthy! I can't even bring the subject up with him as he thinks im being crazy to think he has a problem!

I am not very close with his wife - so I don't know the full extent of the problems - but I know he went to stay at a hotel for a week a while ago as she threw him out!!

It's so sad!

I could have written this, my brother has a terrible relationship with alcohol and food as well to be honest. He has a heart attack last year at only 43.

I thought that might scare him into some change and it did a little bit to start with but he's now back to drinking one or two bottles of wine a night. I have started a conversation so many times but he is very dismissive of me and I have come to realise that it really is his choice, it so sad though, he has a wife and three children but just doesn't see the danger.

Oh god @Letmedowneasy I am sorry!

Same with food - he eats terribly!

He has high blood pressure as well - he is only 44!! I know he has to figure this out alone and want to make some changes and there is not much we can do!

You think he would at least try for his kids sake!

It is so hard when you love someone and can see the damage they are doing to themselves, he and wife are very similar and tend to shout at each other about it but it never gets any further, just another argument blows up and then it gets forgotten.

He has always been full on with anything he does, sometimes that's a god that thing but not with alcohol, he constantly creates social situations that mean he can have a drink so he's seen as the life and soul of the party but really it's an excuse to get trashed. 

It's a strange dynamic brother and sister as well, you've been close all your formative years but he's got a wife and family now so I feel I have to take a step back or I'm accused of being annoying and bossy!

OP....I take a slightly different view on this to some other posters. I think you could have a role to play (as an adult sibling) in at least trying to point your brother towards recovery. I can guarantee you now that he will NOT be listening to a single word that his wife says.....she is a problem to his addicted mind, she puts up barriers in the way that stop him accessing drink. You, on the other hand, are somewhat removed and you go back further to childhood. In your shoes, I actually would try and stage an intervention but you've got to plan it carefully. Do your research and do it well. Look up on the AA website local meetings in his area , with dates and times, where he could do nothing other than drop in and just sit and listen. Smart Recovery might also be a route...again have all the details in your hand to give to him. Then I would go see him. Alone at a neutral place, not at his house - a cafe or something. Tell him that you are concerned for his wellbeing, for his mental health and that he might be using alcohol to self medicate. Try and understand and find out what's triggered his unhappiness......don't go straight in on the booze. You do have to tell him that alcoholism is a disease, that's many people struggle with it in hard times and that if he can reach out for support he can recover and live again. I think you have to tell him that you are bloody worried for him, that you love him deeply but are fearful that he's actually in grave danger and that he could even die prematurely from this. These words if delivered carefully might just might hit home OP. For my sibling, I would do this.

I think his wife needs all the help she can get.

He clearly needs help and I agree with the PP that you should talk to him. There's no way he doesn't know what he's doing.

@Hollowtalk.....I agree he will know what he's doing. However, the addicted mind will be telling him "it's not really that bad" "that was just one bad day....." - all the rationale in the world that's needed to keep feeding the addiction. It is a truely truely horrible disease and people who are addicted cannot "just stop" without 3rd party support. And the best support available is not the NHS....it's offered by recovers addicts who know exactly what's going on, who've heard every excuse and denial under the sun. Denial is a symptom of the disease.

Thanks - I’ve been so worried - I don’t think I can sit by and do nothing - it’s at least worth trying!

I’ve been so worried and so annoyed as well at the same time! His poor kids!

He always laughs it off - like oh it’s just a few drinks in the evening sure everyone does it..he is good at hiding how much he’s had too - and uses visits from myself and Dh ad as a reason to get a loada booze in!

He’s going to have a heart attack for sure I can see him going downhill before my eyes !!

I’m gonna talk to his wife this week and just mention that I’m worried - I’ve not really discussed it with her yet - also I don’t know the backstory to why she asked him to live in a hotel for a few days a few months back (I think it was related to the drinking though)

@KaptenKrusty.....personally I'd keep his wife out of it. This is to do with you and him as siblings. Drinkers blame. They blame everyone but themselves ....it's part of the addiction, it corrupts the mind, it's very sad. If you involve his wife, he will taint you with the same brush and possibly blame you for making him drink. Drinkers are masters at playing the whole reverse victim thing. Best thing you can do is tell him how much you deeply love him and need him as a brother, that his kids need him as a dad, that everyone would be broken if alcohol took his life.....that you are utterly bloody worried for his life! That you are worried that his organs might pack up, that alcoholism does run in families and you fear for his children's futures too.....you've got to try and waken his mind to this danger. Be an amazing sister, offer to go to AA with him. If he rejects this offer, leave it on the table.....say you'll go with him if he changes his mind, just for support. This I think is all you can do. I wish you every luck. Plan it and try and make it a tough combination of sincere love and deep deep fear and dread for him. I hope you can shock him into action.
Also listen to the Radio 5 Podcast "Hooked"....amazing insight into the psychology of addiction.