DH still hasn't found a local AA group

[Bluewavescrashing]

Long time MN user but have NC for this.
A year ago DH drove drunk with the DCs in the car. He'd been drinking 60 units plus a week for many years. I threatened to leave, he tried to stop and managed a few weeks but couldn't stop completely.

A few months later at Christmas I became ill with a chronic condition. He admitted again he needed help and opened up to his family. His dad is an alcoholic who has been sober for 20 years. I thought he had made progress as he went to his GP and started an addiction programme. However he didn't continue on to AA as they recommended.

He now never drinks in the house or in front of me but there have been many times over the last few months when I know he has been drunk. Glassy eyes, slurring etc. A friend smelt it on him once in the afternoon. He has taken the DCs to the park, bought cans and drunk them while they play. If I ask him he denies being drunk but it's obvious he's lying.

He started anti depressant meds at Christmas and generally seems better in himself but he says he needs to quit and can't do it. On holiday he got drunk while in charge of the DCs. I got upset with him and he denied he had a problem but when sober the next day he went to an AA meeting where we were staying. This was a big step.

However he has been drunk at least once in the last week. I've asked him when the meeting is and he said hell look it up. I'm losing patience. As I'm ill and not working I'm fully financially dependent on him.

Any advice please 😢

I know there's an Al anon group on Tuesday but will try to find one before then even if it's further

There's one on Monday so I'll try my best to get childcare.

I think he is trying to shut you down and deflecting from the real issue with his behaviour today. You probably realise that but you're second guessing yourself.

If he's an alcoholic and he wants to get better, he needs to stop drinking forever. But you're in limbo, he stops (you think), then relapses, then stops. He is the only one who can stop drinking, you can't make him, however much you plead.

He drove your kids whilst drunk, it's impacted your health in a huge way, you need to think of yourself and dc and get out. I dont want to sound harsh but you are enabling him because he can continue drinking whilst nothing really changes, meanwhile you are dealing with the fall out.

I think it's very likely he is drinking in secret, sure you'd find empty bottles if you looked hard enough, but that doesn't really matter, you know but he denies and you are made to feel bad by him for asking! It's a vicious circle and you need to step away so you can see the situation more clearly.

Morning,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. This sounds so much like my current
Problems. Did you manage to get to the Al anon meeting on MONDAY? I plan to go to one later this week.

I didn't get to go as DH went to the office and I had the DCs. But I'm going next week.

DH has been to a meeting. He says it was emotional and very focusing. Hugely apologetic. He's away for the next few days. I'm relieved to be on my own and I've told him I don't know if I want to stay married. He wants to do couples counselling.

Hope you are OK @Thewayforward for you too.

I hope you manage to get to al anon next week. They saved my sister’s sanity when she was dealing with her alcoholic partner.

I don’t think there’s any point in going to marriage counselling with your husband - he needs to address his addiction first. Until then, he’s not free to be in a relationship with you - his first loyalty and main relationship is with alcohol.