Do I need to be concerned.....

[abyssiniam8]

I am new to this section. I have a new DP after quite a few years of being single. I have never drank much alcohol, my ex started to towards to end of our marriage and I do blame this as being a part of it one of the reasons it failed (going out getting drunk with his new bunch of friends, not coming home etc)

So, I suppose I am on high alert really in a new relationship.

New DP can drink, a lot. A lot less since we met as there have been a few issues that made me think that there was a possible problem.

He works away on a site and while is at work, its a alcohol free zone. So he cant drink a drop for 6-7 weeks while at work. So, when he gets home it is one of the first things he likes to do. Have some wine or whiskey etc, which tbh I don't think is a problem.

This is where I think there is a problem though. The quantity and how he is drinking. He lives alone, and if I am not seeing him during the time he is back (we only see each other over weekends mostly due to various reasons).

When he is home alone, he can easily finish a bottle of wine or more to himself. This is normal in the evening. (To me, this is a bit of an issue - i think of it as drinking alone, which I have always had drummed into me is an issue in itself. I don't know if that is true)

He gets argumentative when hes been drinking. We were out with friends and he caused such a huge issue to something someone said, which ended up in him storming off. The thing that the person said was a little borderline to an issue he is sensitive about, but his over-reaction was quite astounding to me. He wanted me to leave with him, demanding I get my bag. To which I replied I would not and that if he wanted to leave, he should go ahead. He didn't, but sat in another room, but made the whole place so uncomfortable that eventually I did leave, well, someone had to drive.

On another occasion, again with friends, he managed to polish of more that 15 whiskeys in one evening. The events that followed because of that are not great. Of course again I ended up driving, but he was wanting to pick fights with people in the car park, we ended up having a big row and he said some very hurtful things. The most alarming is that when he was asleep, he made sexual advance towards me, although he wasn't awake. He doesn't remember any of this.
As the result of this, I have said that i am not comfortable with the level of alcohol and I don't like the effect it has on him, so he has agreed that when he is with me, he will only drink in moderation. Which is what he has done for the past few months.
But, last week he went out with a friend, clearly had an excessive amount which resulted in him getting home (somehow).... but not making it to the event he had planned for the following day (which was quite an important thing to miss) as he 'slept through his alarm'. I refused to see him as the missed event did involve my plans, we had words and I said what I thought. I did see him at the weekend after this happened, and he is well aware that if this is something that is going to carry on, then I am not going to be hanging around, as it makes me very very nervous.

I spoke to a friend. She seems to think I am over reacting. And that I am being a bit unfair as when he is at work it is a tough slog I admit that, so when he gets home things are a bit different. I have spoken to him as well about the volume of booze, but he says how can he have a problem is he has no issues with no alcohol for 6-7 weeks. For example, over the weekend we got back from somewhere and he said do you want a drink. He was about to pull out the bottle to pour a glass of wine. I said I will have tea thank you. So he pushed the bottle back and made himself tea as well. But his first instinct was to have wine.

Please be honest with me and tell me if I am over reacting or over thinking these things. I know that its easy to get carried away on a night out and you get tied up in the moment and life all great etc etc....but when you KNOW there is something important happening the next morning...... do you get so out of control.

I think I just need some thoughts from people who may be in, or can help me see straight as I just dont know what to think anymore. I dont want to be THAT girlfriend who is constantly berating and moaning at him (which I dont btw). I know the fact it is bothering me, is a problem.

I don't think your issue is that he drinks a lot, I think it's the way he acts when he's drunk.
If he was a lovely, happy drunk, you wouldn't begrudge him 15 whiskeys on occasion.

You say he's changed the way he drinks when he's with you, so he only drinks moderate amounts, which is a good start.

How often does he have a big blowout like the one that made him miss the event?
That is where the issue lies - when he drinks to such an excess that he doesn't know what he's doing/gets aggressive.
If he can't handle his drink, he needs to learn his limits.
If he can't do that, he needs to accept that people won't stick around to take his abuse.

Thanks New. Yes the actions of the excess are an issue. He most definitely changed the volume when he is with me, as after the blow out (the 15 whiskey one) i told him the things that he had said, and also the incident in bed, which did shock him I must say. In fact he doesn't drink whiskey around me now, just wine mostly. The fact that he has changed the levels etc around me does show me that he has taken on things that we discussed, but its when he isn't with me that is sort of goes out the window really.

So that doesn't look good though does it. Oh new gf who won't let you drink sort of thing. Totally open to being told that I am being OTT here, as my friend thinks. But she wasn't the one in the room with him after his binge.

In a year, 4 incidents, being very very intoxicated and issues as a result. But he is at work around 6 months of the year....so I think that is quite a bit.

I’m a student and just recently completed a placement at a substance misuse organisation and I saw this a lot. People have the misconception that just because someone doesn’t get ‘the shakes’ or wakes up first thing and has a drink then they are not alcohol dependent. This is wrong!! There are two types of dependency: physical and mental. It sounds to me that your partner may be mentally dependent. Meaning that a lot of people can go without a drink but for those people that are dependent they reach for the alcohol out of habit and can go for long periods of time without drinking but when they do they binge. People don’t realise the damage alcohol does to your body - not just your liver but your brain as well. My suggestion is to watch a documentary with him on BBC I player with Adrian Charles. It’s full of facts without being judgmental. The more we can educate about the effects of alcohol the better. The sad thing is, unless someone is willing to admit they have a problem with alcohol there is little you can do as they need to want to help themselves. If your partner is willing to seek professional help there are lots of organisations that can offer non-judgmental and person centred care that is tailored just for client. Also, something I would always ask my clients to try is not stop drinking abruptly because if the person is physically dependent then that is very dangerous!! But if they want to reduce their alcohol consumption they can do so without changing the amount they actually drink. They can do this simply by lowering the percentage of alcohol they buy. So when you shop, by a 10% bottle of wine instead of a 12%. Or maybe switch to beer instead of wine. I hope this helps, please let me know if you have any other questions.

The documentary is panarama: Britain’s drink problem. I hope it helps.