How do I get rid of the feeling of guilt??

[silversable]

Hi everyone. So I had serious issues with alcohol a few years ago, I had bad anxiety and was almost completely reliant on it. I used to hide drinks in wardrobes, under the bed and would have anything I could get my hands on. I started drinking both before and after work, which is something I cannot get my head around now. I feel so stupid for doing that in the past, as after a hard journey I am in control however can’t stop thinking about it. It got to the point where my manager realised I was working under the influence, I had meetings with them and they decided to give me a warning and keep me as I am good at my job and the fact that I’m only young made them see it as a simple mistake. My parents found out, and looking back I put them through so much. Anytime I think of how I made them feel I hate myself. This has really affected my self esteem as I don’t know how I can think of myself as a decent person. I have a long term boyfriend now and this all happened before I met him, so he doesn’t know just how far it went. I feel like if I tell him about my past issues he would judge me and wouldn’t see me as someone stable. I am finally almost there with my mental health and have combatted alcohol, but remembering my past makes me feel sick. I am still in the same job and people don’t bring it up. However, this is so so hard and I feel sick at the danger I put myself and other people in. How can I move forward?

[silversable]

Just to edit: I haven’t told my partner about the extent of it however I was still struggling with alcohol issues when we met so he is aware this is a problem area for me.

[bruisednamechange]

So I have nothing constructive to add, but how did you do it?!

[silversable]

Do you mean battling the alcohol or how did I make the mistake?

[girlintheglass]

You need to forgive yourself. Don't keep visiting where you were back then. That's not you now. Life is beautiful and wonderful and you deserve to make the most of it. Look how far you have come. And I understand completely the feelings you describe and the shame, cringing when you think back. But you should be proud of how you are now you have come so far, further than only some can dream of. Well done you.

[MrsGrammaticus]

@silversable.....it's a tough story and I imagine a lot of recovered drinkers feel as you do when they reflect back on the family harm done once they're free of addiction. I would consider ongoing AA support if I were you. You're achievement to be sober is great and you should be proud of that. Just move forward now doing the best you can...you can't undo the past. What was your turning point by the way? Did you reach a rock bottom moment?
In some ways that dread of ever returning to those dark days needs to be the thing that stops you returning .....the personal price is too high.