How can I support my mum?

[SheWhoShouldNotBeNamed]

I'm at a loss now, I really am.

My DMum has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. At least since I was about 4/5. Over time, she had moved on from drinking beer to wine to gin and now drinks vodka.

She is retired now, but she is high functioning. Last year she suffered from an illness (not alcohol related) that saw her hit rock bottom. She was drinking throughout the night and in the early morning. When this illness came to a head, she started making noises about going to rehab. But my DSis was advised at the time that this would not be possible because she was on medication. She was able to get more medical help for this illness, and now her pain is minimal.

As I suspected, now she has recovered for the most part, thoughts of rehab have gone.

Over the years I have tried talking to her about this. She has sought help before, and managed to stay sober for a period of time. But then began drinking again.

I am lost. I feel we are at a bit of a crossroads. Everyone in the family feels upset by her drinking. If we hold a social occasion, she will often drink before and continue to do so. She will then reach a point of incoherency, but prior to that she can be aggressive, argumentative, insecure...pretty much full to the brim of negativity and anger.

I worry about her so much. I try and be there for her and non-judgemental, but she is hard to be around when drunk. I also fear that she is pushing her body to the absolute limit. I worry that she will pass the point of no return. And I think I will feel partly responsible for doing nothing.

I had wondered about an intervention. But I'm not sure anyone would feel strong enough to 'lead' it, and none of us have the knowledge to know how to steer it. I know she will get angry and full of blame. I also know that certain family members will not deal with this well.

Realistically, is there anything I can do other than continue to be there for her? I'm so worried and full of guilt over this. I really don't know what to do.

You can’t make her stop drinking. You can only look after yourself. Have you heard of Al Anon? They support families of drinkers.
If she drinks she can’t come to family events. Don’t put yourself in the position of feeling you have to manage her drinking.

@Wolfiefan

Thanks for your reply.

I had looked at Al-Anon a few years ago but never engaged with them. I see now there is a meeting near where I work, so I think I will attend.

I find it so, so difficult. She is like Jekyll and Hyde. Lovely when sober but argumentative when drunk. Even the way she looks changes.

Keeping her away from social occasions, family gatherings, parties, etc feels very cruel. I know in the past when she has found out me and my sister have hung out together, she gets very down and will drink even more. I love her very much, and I find it hard not to feel responsible for her happiness and welfare. Even after all she has put us through.

But you are right. I know that. Doing so would make it very clear that we weren't going to be a part of it anymore and that we don't condone what she is doing.

Do look for RL support. It’s so hard when it’s someone that close to you.
But it’s her choice. If you say she can’t come to events if she drinks then it’s HER choice to choose drink over her family. And we all have things that make us sad or stressed but we don’t all use alcohol to deal with those issues. But you can’t help her change those choices.
Good luck OP.