Separating from alcoholic husband: really need support [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[LongTimeComing74]

I'm pretty sure I want to separate from my husband. He's an alcoholic, low-grade abusive, inconsistent with the kids. Just miserable to be around.

Our financial position is shaky, compounded by the fact that I have a long-term illness. I can work, but currently full-time is beyond me.

What I'd really like is to hear from people who've been through this. Do's and don'ts.

I don't really have anyone to confide in irl, except my mum who is too angry with him to think clearly; and who, anyway, stayed with my alcoholic father until he died.

My heart is breaking a bit, as I watch my daughter turn into me. All twittery and trying to fix everything, not really understanding what's wrong, but knowing that something is.

My feelings have been compounded by a recent holiday, when I stayed sober to get a clearer view on him. He was so drunk every night, he was incoherent.

Then hungover every day, saying things like "I don't understand why I feel so tired".

Which is what I am. So tired.

I know all this is really boring, but I'd be so grateful for some advice.

Well done, OP, that's a great start. Stand firm. I'm glad the Freedom Programme is helping.

You are not to blame for his drinking. Only he is.

Thanks, thegreatcrestednewt.

He's working from home today, & came down to ask if we could have a chat.

He said that he wanted to find a way forward together, & that he felt we should have marriage counselling.

I reminded him that I'd said the other day that I want marriage counselling too, but only on the condition that he stops drinking.

Apparently, we see this very differently. There are lots of my Behaviours that he wants to address, but apparently this is not the time.

I sat & listened to this for a bit, then said that I wasn't talking about his behaviour, I was specifically talking about his drinking. I agreed I'm not perfect. But I don't have to strive for sainthood to draw my own lines.

I said that I felt he didn't believe I was really going to leave.

He then started listing all the problems he has, & how depressed he is. This, he said, on top of everything else, is too much.

The thing is, those problems are real, & he is very depressed.

I said I was sorry for him & he should go back to the doctor.

He doesn't accept that his drinking affects the children, because sometimes I upset the children too, & I have got drunk occasionally in the past. Totally fuzzy logic.

He wanted to end the conversation by getting me to agree that as long as he got help to cut down his drinking, I would go back to the way things were. I didn't agree.

He was very shocked, & has gone back upstairs.

The thing is, when he's away, I'm not snappy or impatient with the children.

We all just relax.

But if I say that to him, as sure as day follows night, that would be his cue to start accusing me of blaming him for all my short-comings, scape-goating him, & generally being a slightly shit human being.

I'm not getting on that roundabout, so I say nothing.

Just for the sake of recording stuff as I go along.

Been managing the credit card debt (which we both have).

Got a 0% balance transfer approved, & moved the debt across. (Only the debt in my name, which is family spending. Holidays/Christmas etc).

For context, money is something he says I am very bad with, and this causes him worry, so I just went to let him know.

He just grunted "oh".

I basically just trotted up there for approval, & he withheld it.

This gives the absolute lie to his claim that my finances stress him out (implying that if I had a better grip on them he would be kinder to me).

I think you’re doing the right things. Not engaging with his criticisms of you, or his attempts to turn his issues back on to you - this is what you need to keep doing. He needs to see that his drinking is a serious, deal-breaking concern.

I am so sorry to hear this I know you feel really down and that you don't know who to turn to , but you are not alone ! you can do small things to help move forward. First your husband has a problem , but you know that but does he ? something is making him do this But it is not you. if you still think you love him then you must force him to seek help. That is another story. We must deal with this problem first. Your children will very soon know that something is not right and will feel unsafe , this needs to be addressed first as they are the most important ones in this. The problem of drinking is as old as the hills, it is a way of someone blocking out the truth of their problem. Take the children out of this as soon as you can, take them to somewhere they may feel safe and then address your partner once the children are not there, only then can he see what he has caused / this may not have a happy end but you will then know where you stand , you are never alone never remember this.

Sorry, I have only just seen your replies.

Well done for being very clear with him.

The thing with an addict is they will say and do anything to justify their behaviour. Not just to you but to themselves too. They will blame everyone else. Use the excuse that it is better than meds or they don't want to take them for whatever reason. When this isn't working they will then start to discuss how hard their life is or how down they are feeling.

That isn't to say that life isn't hard or they aren't depressed but we all have responsibility for our own behaviour.

He wants your sympathy to justify his drinking. You can support his mental health without supporting his drinking. It's your children who deserve the sympathy because they have no control over his behaviour.

He can tackle this but he wants to choose to take an easier option.

I know I sound very blunt but you will never meet anyone more manipulative than an addict. It will destroy you because they will try everything to pull your heart strings to let it all carry on.

Well done again for addressing this and being very clear. It is easier said than done.

I hope the last couple of days have been manageable.

Hi. I hope this is in the right place as this is my first time posting and this is just not about alcohol as many issues going on right now.

I am an alcoholic. I also am an EUPD. I drink because I cannot deal with the mental health illness. I am posting now as I am the point of giving up and I am looking for an advice or hope.

My marriage is breaking down as he cannot deal with the drinking. I am not a happy drunk. As most alcoholics do, get upset and abusive. I think my marriage died 10 years ago. My father died. I was not good mentally on the day he died and was on diazepam. He, on the advice of a nurse did not tell me for 2 days. I struggle to deal with this as I was the last to know. My mam and sister could not get hold of me.

February this year my hair caught alight from the gas hob. Third degree burns to face, ear and neck. I had allografts. I have just had a second operation. I won't be able to wear earrings again as lost most of the lobe. I have hypertropic scars to my neck which are so painful. He won't listen to me. The accident is the white elephant in the room. I need to talk about it. He just tells me to move on.

The biggest thing that has destroyed me is the loss of my daughters. One is 18 tomorrow. The other 21 next month. They are not speaking to me as they see it as me putting alcohol before them. I do manage to abstain from drinking for several weeks but then stupidly start again when things get tough. They no longer believe in me and I can't blame them. It kills me as I love them both so much.

I feel so lost, helpless and destroyed and don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for reading.

You have a lot going on, but you have insight.

You need to get help on two fronts: for your mental illness (this will be hard: getting support for personality disorders is difficult and you will need to be very very persistent) and for your drinking. I don't think you can do this alone, I think you need to take a serious look at going into rehab. A good one will do a lot to look at you as a whole person, which will also help to tease out your mental health issues.

Then when you have been sober and in recovery, you need to look at the state of your relationship. Your DH is understandably disillusioned with you (this was me - my late husband was the alcoholic), but telling you to 'get over' a life changing accident that happened barely 6 months ago doesn't bode well. You may have to accept that your marriage will not survive even if you do find recovery.

What I will say is that your life will be better when you are sober and able to work on your mental health. You have a hell of a lot of hard work to do, but it can be done. My DSis' partner is an alcoholic who suffers from depression, and he is 8 years sober.

Most of all, getting help will make you realise you are not alone, and you need that. Good luck