Chances of getting and staying sober

[pickledpickles]

Hi, my friend is married to an alcoholic. They have 2 kids an both work full time. She says he's cut down to 4 cans cider and a few vodkas a night. She often finds stashes of bottles hidden and so do their kids.
He's been saying for about a year that he's going to detox but then says he'll just cut down himself.
She has admitted to him that she's had an affair and they split up again. Then they were back together and he's promised to detox. They keep splitting and he keeps promising and so the cycle continues.
My question is: how likely is he to achieve sobriety and maintain it long term? He says he drinks because he's bored and that there are no deep seated reasons that therapy would help him overcome. The detox is just one week preceded by cutting down and a few weeks of chats with an alcohol worker. The detox isn't supervised, he'll just do it by himself at home which to me is a recipe for disaster. Is this how things are normally done or is he spinning her a yarn?
She's a wreck with all the broken promises and the affair and is full of guilt about it as though it's her fault. I've tried my best to get her to see things in a more objective and realistic light but she keeps going back.
Does anyone have any experience of nhs led detox at home? And how successful it is? Im very pessimistic but she's convinced he can succeed.

She sounds enmeshed in it all, which is sad.

Suggest seeking info on the website of an NHS or specialist organisation on services and recovery / sobriety. Stats aren’t great.

Your friend staying in the relationship probably won’t help him, and will further harm their DC.

She might benefit from services of an organisation for families of people with alcohol problems, eg Al Anon.

She's been to relate who weren't very helpful and were quite horrified at her situation and particularly that he is often caring for both dc on his own when drunk. I've often worried about him driving them to school as surely after all that he'd still be over the limit. And that's the amount he admits to.
I'll suggest al-anon to her. At the moment she's staying but leaving and he's decided to build an extension on the house that only last week they were selling next month. I struggle to keep up with it all to be honest and find it quite exhausting. I feel like she's stringing him along by staying when she wants to split up and be on her own. She just says what he wants to hear about staying and he says what she wants to hear about detox.
Does the detox I described sound right? To me it sounds very lax and not likely to be effective at all.

Bump for the morning crowd

In all honesty he won't quit until he is really ready to quit and has a realisation about what he is doing to himself. What he is doing to his family, friends and those about him are irrelevant. He has to be the one to do it.

I speak from experience.

Until 17 days ago I drank a 1/2 bottle of vodka every night and more at the weekend. This had been going on almost solidly for the last 20 yrs plus. My first grandson arrived almost a year ago this week and I tried to stop at the start of last year for his/her sake. It didn't work.

About a month ago I realised my health was getting worse (no shit Sherlock!!!) so I joined a Facebook group and read a book that was suggested in the group.

That was a life changer!

At the same time I made a plan. I would quit on a certain day and take the rest of the week off work as annual leave to cope with the withdrawal symptoms. In the weeks leading up to this date I would cut back to make things, hopefully, easier. That didn't work. In those 2 weeks I probably drank more.

But...

The message in the book I read got through. I had my last drink on the Sunday night as planned and went to work the next day feeling the same hungover way I had done for years. On the way home I made the decision NOT to pop into Sainsburys on the way home. The night went great. I didn't want to drink. A caveat here. I did have some alcohol left in the house just in case I ended up climbing the walls. Didn't need it and 17 days later it's still there!

Now I might have been lucky this time as my enforced abstinence produced no withdrawal symptoms and I've not had any inclination to touch alcohol at all. Last weekend I was away on a football weekend with the lads in a foreign country and despite the beer flowing all around I never touched a drop.

The only explanation I can give is that reading the book shone a light into my subconscious that made me ready.

Not sure this is really helpful to your friend but it really comes down to her husband being ready. No amount of badgering or cajoling will really work.

Wish her good luck from me.

What is the book called NewGrandad?
Well done, btw. 👍

The book was Allen Carr's "The Easy Way to Control Alcohol".

@NewGrandad that's fantastic! Well done and thank you for your post

Hi again. I de-regged for a while hence the need to add a 1 to my name.

I'm feeling shit today because of something that happened yesterday.

Her husband is now doing detox with chlordiazepoxide. She described him as a zombie earlier in the week and he didn't sound fit for anything. She was giving my dc a lift to an event and they all turned up with him driving. I said he shouldn't be driving and that I wouldn't allow dc to go with them. She looked at me like I was bonkers. She explained to him and he reluctantly allowed her to drive. I was furious. They had their own kids in the car and he put them all at risk. He's been verbally abusive to her with a particularly nasty episode last week before he started detox and her telling me about the detox resulted in him blanking her.

She text this morning to say they've made up and all is ok!! I can't get my head round how a mother could forgive the father of her kids for putting them all in danger and willingly putting my dc in danger too.

I've told her I can't help anymore. I'm exhausted by the drama and due to my own dad putting me at risk by drinking and driving when I was a child I find it causes me lots of anxious bad memories. I'm very concerned for their kids and for her. Him I have no time for now. I feel like such a shit friend but I can't forgive her being prepared to knowingly put my child at risk. There's no way she didn't know he shouldn't be driving. But then thinking back he'd still be over the limit when he was taking the kids to school when he was drinking considering he'd down about 20 units a night.

It's taken me a long time to have good boundaries due to always been scapegoated over my own dad but I still feel guilty. I've reached the end of my ability to help her through this. I've wished her well but explained I just can't continue the friendship. I feel so shit but I'm angry too.

Maybe I'm in the wrong. She's not the alcoholic, he is. But I see her as codependent and I think she needs to take some responsibility for yesterday too.

He shouldn't have been drinking on chlordiazepoxide - I wasn't even allowed to leave hospital when I was being detoxed on it, and certainly wasn't allowed to take it home.

It does sound like your friend is codependent. It can be very hard, facing up to the reality of life with an alcoholic, particularly one who has been drinking heavily enough to warrant a medical detox.

You're doing the right thing, extricating yourself from the situation. You can't help him, she can't help him, so your focus should be on your own sanity (not to mention your DC's safety!).

Walk away and stay away. They are toxic co-dependents in the extreme. I have over nine years sober and there is nothing you can do - they are enabling each other - and more importantly, there us nothing you can or should do apart from call Social Services with regard to the kids, and the police with the car registration re:the driving.

Cut them off and stay the fuck away.

Thank you.
He's doing/done the detox at home under the community team and told his work he's off with a minor complaint. I didn't think detox would be done and dusted in a week and allow him to go back to work so soon.

Does anyone know how long you're not supposed to drive for?

Chlordiazepoxide leaves the body after roughly 36 hours, but certain metabolites can have a half life of up to 300 hours after the last dose. Provided he hasn't returned to drinking, he should be safe to drive after that time period. It's best to consult a GP regarding this though.

I contacted the DVLA and they said if you have undergone detox then you will not be eligible to reapply for your license for a year. Lots of people obviously don't report that they are alcoholics though and/or undergone detox. Insurance is invalid under these circumstances and an offence is being committed. I was impressed by how seriously the DVLA took the situation.

In my experience the whole family needs treatment as the alcoholic affects everything and everyone. I'd look for a treatment programme that includes family therapy. There are some good Dayhab services in London that do this. And not too expensive.