I am a high functioning alcoholic

[MrsDarcy99]

And I don't know how to change.

I drink a bottle of wine every night, sometimes more. I have a demanding, stressful job. I am a single mother, one child at university and one about to sit GCSEs. I know I need to stop drinking but the thought of doing so scares me. I have been drinking for such a long time at these levels, I don't know how to be me again.

Another issue I have is that I like the social side. I like having a glass of wine with my friends and my family. I wish I could just have one or two drinks but I don't seem to have an off switch where alcohol is concerned. Many evenings become a blur. Lots of evenings I have really looked forward to become nothing. I don't remember them.

I don't know what the triggers are any more. I think they used to be boredom, frustration. loneliness. But now it's a habit. I feel fat, sluggish, I don't do any exercise, my clothes don't fit me anymore. Surely all of this should be enough reason to do something about it? But the thing is I know I need to stop completely. I have no willpower at all. That is what scares me as well

Yesterday I went out for lunch with colleagues from work. I had two large glasses of wine, and in the evening I finished a bottle of red wine and then opened a bottle of white wine and drank half of that. That's not normal is it? It's gone beyond just having a drink when I get home from work and become more of a crutch to get through the evening.

I have been on my own as a single mother for many years. I have not had a relationship for some time and that is largely due to the fact that I don't like myself. I think there is a huge correlation between this and my drinking.

I wake up every morning thinking this will be the day I'm not going to have a drink. But every day I find a reason not to stop. I find a reason to have to go to the shop. Once there I don't have the willpower to not buy a bottle of wine.

I don't really know why I am posting this. It has helped me writing this and saying the words out loud. But I know I need help to try and stop. Why is there such a sense of shame to admit to being addicted to alcohol rather than being addicted to cigarettes?

So today is day 1

For some of us, Its damn hard to give up our addictions, and I wish you well with giving up yours. Mine is food addiction, and I am still a work in progress.

OP A few years ago I was very worried about my drinking. I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a night and people were commenting on how much I drank. I had blackouts and was a belligerent drunk.

I joined the Soberistas website (before you had to pay) and I did find it very helpful. I didn't want to join AA as I thought I wasn't 'that much of an alcoholic' [hmmm].

Scarily I raised the issue with my doctor at the time and she told me I wouldn't be offered help unless I was drinking more than 300 units per week!

I did it on my own, with the help of the soberistas website and met up with some other people on the site and we supported each other. I did still feel the need to 'drink' something at social events so drank alcohol free Erdinger (the blonde one, which is actually 0.5%).

I told people I was doing dry January, then kept extending it by another month and told people I was just seeing how long I could go without drinking. Eventually I was able to say that I'd just lost the taste for alcohol.

I had to pour every single bottle of wine and spirits down the sink - I didn't even give them away to people - it was symbolic and helped me cement the fact that I was going to stop. Every morning I said "I'm not going to drink alcohol today" and I did take one day at a time. I also had to cut ties with 2 friends who tried to get me drinking again.

You can do it, and you will do it

MrsDarcy I also felt really weird for 2 days after I stopped drinking - the shakes and headaches and feeling really crap, but I was able to stay in bed and read my sobriety blogs and cry and pray and get myself through it. So if that happens it will pass and don't be alarmed by it. Tell yourself it's a good thing and your body is actually welcoming the adjustment x

Has anyone recommended local alcohol services? Sometimes they have funny names. There are people who can help .

Google has come up with One Recovery Bucks.

They often have different names but are mgs funded. It is so much easier with support and specialist services.

I agree with buying some nice cordial and fizzy water to put in your wine glass

It really does work

You need to feel your emotions - when you want that wine ask yourself what you are running from

Well done for not finishing the bottle.

Did you pour the rest down the sink? You need to do that.

OP - don’t worry about replacing one addiction with another. Becoming sober is more than just giving up alcohol. It’s about understanding and addressing the reasons why you became alcohol dependant in the first place. This is the hardest part of the entire process - holding a mirror up to yourself and your behaviours. This is why you need help and guidance through this period. I found it in AA. If you don’t want to go that route please find another as knowledgeable support is really important.

I seriously could have written this post!!
I was ill at the beginning of the year and didn't drink for around a week and I felt so much better for it and I looked better too, no redness/puffiness etc!
I normally do give up alcohol for lent but didn't this year as the thought of not having a drink I'm finding quite frightful which I'm actually ashamed of.
I too cannot stop once a bottle is open and get itchy of an evening if there is no wine in the house.
Thing is I like having a glass of wine on the odd occasion my colleague and I go to the pub after work but it's the at home drinking I want to stop as I just feel crappy all the time, puffy, sluggish, tired and sometimes my kidneys ache.
I want to stop

MrsDarcy99, I am another one who could have written your post.

Everything you say is exactly how I would have said it. I am on another alcohol support thread on MN, and someone there recommended the William Porter book, Alcohol Explained. I bought a copy today on Amazon. She said it was very helpful. I feel at the moment as if I am beyond help, but anything is worth a go.

I don't know how I've slithered into this. I hate myself for it. And I have astonishing will power, normally - but can't summon up the will power for this. I just want to sink into oblivion. Yet I know that oblivion is followed by crap sleep and horrible, paranoid thoughts during the night and the following morning. I know this. And I still do it. One of my DC said I was horrible to her last night. To my immense shame, I don't even remember it. I can't believe I have just written that. And yet I am sitting here with a glass of sherry. It would help if I suffered from hangovers. I bloody well ought to. But I don't.

P.S. MrsD, thank you for starting this thread.

P.P.S. MrsD, you write very well.

I followed the blog of a woman who stopped drinking. Her blog was brutally honest but uplifting as she ticked off the sober days. Onebottleoneglass was the name of the blog. You may find it useful to follow her from her first days. Good luck, you seem to be in the frame of mind to make your changes.

I can't offer advice on not drinking as I rarely do, but just wanted to say, if ever you do slip up, don't feel like you shouldn't just crack back on with sobriety the next day. I tried stopping smoking last year, and after a few days fell off the wagon - in my mind I convinced myself I'd try again the next day, and the next, and now it's months on and I've still not tried again. If you slip up, don't let it turn into a slide I guess I'm trying to say! Wishing you success

NoOffswitch - you need to be kinder to yourself, will power has nothing to do with it! Addiction is an illness. As an alcoholic I truly believe that. I have been sober for 7 years now and for me it’s never been a question of will power - I have none so if my sobriety were dependent on that, I would be in trouble. Once I stopped trying to control my drinking and simply didn’t pick up that first drink it all became much easier.

I think the advice given here is fantastic, joining club soda on FB, all the books mentioned (sober is the new Black is another good one). Once thing I want to say about getting through the twitchy phase.. basically it’s just a craving. It will pass if you don’t drink. Alcohol takes 3-5 days to get out of your system and those cravings do dissipate. 99% of the problem is in your head rather than a ‘physical’ addiction. I don’t believe you’re physically addicted as if you were you would need to drink when waking to alleviate the symptoms. It’s docficult for me to explain.. but it’s more learned behaviour, self medicating (dealing with emotioms and the reason why you drink), habit, etc etc. So whilst the feeling over the first few days might be very mildly annoying it’s not going to be a rocky road of hard alcohol withdrawal on the amount you drink. I think the best thing you can do in the first instance is try a week off or maybe a month. I find if I tell myself ‘I’m giving up, never going to drink again’ mantra I go into panic mode about the loss of any ‘fun’ in my life and start questioning why I’m doing it and then convince myself it’s not really a problem.. but a bottle of wine and the whole cycle continues. I think it takes lots and lots of reading, lots of mental input from blogs, books, etc rather than a ‘magic switch’. You’ve started the process which is great. I’ve been going through the process over the last year. Im certainly not teetotal but have drunk 15 days out of the last 64, which is a MASSIVE improvement than before. Good luck and keep searching out those many many online support groups.

Also AF beers like becks blue or Heineken 0 really help some people, I sometimes have the odd 1 or 2 on ‘bad’ nights (read Claire pooley on this). Also Apps like the Dry January App can help keep you motivated- adding the little tea cups on your sober days can be really mentally motivating I find.

Have you tried alcohol free wine OP?
Sainsbury's do a nice sparkling one. It's a helpful bridge to stopping I have found. Good luck!

MrsDarcey99

Sorry only just seen your post but yes.. word for word I am you (except my DC are a bit younger) .

I go round in circles with this and I am not sure if you are like me but it's all linked. The stress of being a single parent plus not having anyone to offload or chat with at the end of the day (despite having plenty of friends she not even wanting a relationship
Right now) makes wine seem like such a good stress reliever at the time... a few (large) glasses in and I feel like eating carbs.. more wine .. wake up feeling like shit and regretful .. crave carbs the next day and go on to do the same all over again.

I am only on my day 2 of AF this time as I think I finally reached the stage where I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired (think that might be an AA expression) .. I have put on 2 stone, aged (I think) and lost motivation to do stuff In the evenings too..I have stopped caring how I look and haven't bought any new clothes in ages as I want to get back into my old ones. I ALWAYS find an excuse to go to the shop. My latest and successful attempt at being good (as I have no off switch either) was to buy 2 of those small bottles of wine and that's my lot for the night. .

I have to say the clarity (I reached day 5 recently) that comes from even a few days AF is remarkable. That plus eating healthier food, feeling clearer at work, no feelings of shame, not spending so much money..

I was also worried about even 1AF day... a few tips from someone who has achieved not nearly as much as some others on here but is kind of right at the start like you.

I stayed up late cleaning the house the first few nights with the radio. I wanted to remove my self from normal - slumped on sofa watching shit TV position. Felt great at how clean and tidy it all was and felt much more sorted in the mornings / generally because of it (ie washing all done / put away/ knowing where shit is etc!)

I bought an erlinger 0.5% beer for when I sat down. It's the one that tastes the most like beer to me. I am normally WWine but even a an AF beer is something to look forward to..

I was so tired I went to bed and actually felt really tired naturally rather than falling asleep on the sofa..

I asked around for friends' really good book recommendations and downloaded a few of those to entice me up to bed.. even if it's a trashy page turner.. something that is going to get you off the sofa and maybe you want to know what happens next.

Fell asleep no problem .. a few wake ups in the night but nothing like those awful 3am gulping water Feeling like shit wake ups

I have also just downloaded Jason Vale. I also really get what the others recommend about the pod casts and books.. and changing your mind set towards alcohol is important. I think one that I really liked was 'the unexpected joy of being sober' .

I'm really glad you started this thread. My Dad was an alcoholic for many years before he died because of it . I am no where near on his scale but I can feel the effects and don't want my kids to go through anything like what I did.

Sorry this post turned into a mammoth one!

OP, I completely understand. I, too, am a single mother and have brought up my DSs (19 and 17) single handedly since my youngest was 4.

I started off with half a bottle of wine a night, then a whole bottle, then two. Then I started drinking spirits, a third of a bottle a night.

I've just had the worst 18 months of my life (won't bore you with details) but it got to the point where I was drinking 1ltr of vodka a day. I contacted CGL last autumn to get help and they've been trying to arrange funding for detox (I was hoping for a community detox but have no one to stay with me).

To cut a long story short, last Friday I picked up the worst stomach bug I've ever had, I couldn't even keep water in, let alone vodka! There was my first alcohol free day in two years! I am now on day 6 of being alcohol free and apart from very mild withdrawals, I feel absolutely amazing! The bags under my eyes have gone and the puffiness in my face has disappeared. That's enough to keep me going!

I never thought that I could be free of alcohol and I know it's not even been a week yet but I'm determined to stay sober. I'm going to start attending groups next week for ongoing support and to make sure I keep my sobriety.

I have been getting cravings the past two days which are difficult to ignore as I'm off work due to long term health issues, but I make myself do something to take my mind off it.

Have a look at www.changegrowlive.org. It's a free service and they are very supportive and non-judgmental.

All the best and PLEASE don't beat yourself up. You sound like a lovely person. Good luck and be kind to yourself! x

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic but now I’m a low functioning one. Not everybody suffers the same fate but wish I’d known before in respect of myself. I’m now alcohol dependant despressed and am ready for the knackers yard and over 6 months away from turning 40. Get help as soon as you can is my advice

Well done Fairydust wishing you good luck on your journey

I really like the Sainsbury's AF sparkling wine. It's stopped me drinking many an evening.

I'm at the stage where I'm ready to admit I have a problem. I want to stop.

I have just been reading all your posts
I have dipped in and out if AA over the years but never stuck to it
I will try again
I’m really worried about my liver !
Good luck to u all