Help needed with stepdaughter

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For background, I have been married for 21 years, have 3 adult stepchildren and my husband and I have a son aged 20. The eldest stepchild (45) is alcoholic and has drunk heavily since at least 18 years old. She does have a job (just her and her boss) and lives in her own flat. There have been innumerable family occasions and holidays ruined over the years by her drinking.

She entered a non residential NHS rehab course in June and came to live with us. She did fantastically for about two months, however, she gradually relapsed. Things came to a head due to her drinking when she was on holiday in September with my husband and I (we included her when she was sober as a treat) and she returned to her flat when we got home. There were a few rows about her drinking before we went away (including a massive one the morning we were due to travel) and the holiday very nearly didn’t happen at all.

I have been told by her flatmate that she is drinking more heavily than ever, including during the day at work (her boss is often out of the office) which we don’t think she did before. There was an episode where her Dad and I felt we had to go to her flat one evening as she had sent a ‘help me’ text to her cousin who lives miles away and then wasn’t answering texts back or any other calls. Unfortunately this culminated in another huge row and I completely lost my cool with her and said a lot of things I shouldn’t have (even if they were true).

I minimised my contact with her and I haven’t seen her since September. She has been invited over several times but never came.

Last week I had to help my son, who is away at university, as he had sent me a text telling me how upset and down the situation is making him. I know my stepdaughter will text him when she’s drunk and he doesn’t feel able to ignore her.

The youngest stepson has recently told my husband that we should contact her and basically apologise for the things we said, wipe the slate clean and carry on as normal (even though she is still drinking).

I do not want to do this, I am really at the end of my tether with the situation now. If I stick to this it is going to cause yet more arguments between my husband and I. I have told him that if he wants to see her or take her out that’s obviously fine but I don’t want to get involved. Unfortunately he is of the belief that I have to be included in all the things he wants to do with his family and seems incapable of seeing any of them by himself.

I know that my husband will continue to invite her to family occasions such as Christmas, which are almost always at our house, and I am resigned to this and the drinking, rowing and moaning about her behaviour which inevitably follows. The family does not take any action other than discussing her problem endlessly.

Sorry, this is long but any advice much appreciated.

At Al Anon you might meet people who DO have sons and daughters who are alcoholics, and when they tell you face to face how they react to it it is more effective than what you read here.
Disengaging is probably the best thing for them. Staying engaged is probably the best thing for your DH or you or the DS as then you don't have to deal with any regrets or guilt, you tell yourself you are doing your best, when that isn't actually the best for the alcoholic.

In view of Christmas l think she should be invited but make it clear that it is an alcohol free occasion. If anyone doesn't like that (including the extended family) then they celebrate elsewhere.

My aunt had to do this with her family due to her son's addiction to drink and drugs. It meant no one was singled out and everyone had the same expectations of themselves and each other.

They also had to arrive sober too

The youngest stepson has recently told my husband that we should contact her and basically apologise for the things we said, wipe the slate clean and carry on as normal (even though she is still drinking).

Wow. And just how is this meant to help her? It validates all her choices and reaffirms that her drinking is not as bad as people say. It would be extremely short-sighted to follow this advice.

Your DH has some tough choices to make and he seems incapable of doing so. He doesn't want to see his family without you and you don't want to see his DD whilst she's drinking. It's up to him to resolve this dilemma, not you.

Her family do not seem remotely close to learning the 3Cs, but you can.

• you did not cause it
• you cannot control it
• you cannot cure it.

I think Alanon will help you manage your detachment. And FWIW I don't believe she will ever recover whilst she has her family running around after her, shoring her up and pretending she's right.