How do you know when an alcoholic has hit rock bottom?

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Member of my family is an alcoholic. She's fighting it tooth and nail, doing all the right things, but keeps fucking up, with escalating consequences.

Every time the remorse is massive, she's straight back into her program, everyone gets optimistic again. Then it happens again. And every time our "last chance", "line in the sand" shifts.

I think she's got to hit rock bottom before she actually puts everything into her recovery. But how do you know when that happens?

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Oh dear, so there's no middle ground with her. That's always worrying. If SS are involved, they'll want reassurance that her DH will be able to stay home and take care of the child if your relative is unable to, and of course that's going to be very difficult due to his job.

Unfortunately, everyone's rock bottom is different. Mine was my health, and the brutal reality of what I was doing to myself. I was nearly hospitalised during my last withdrawal from alcohol, which I went through cold turkey, and doing that could easily have killed me.

[gingerbreadmanm]

This is harsh then but in that case i think he leaves her and cares for his child (working something out with his job). Although i appreciate that is not as easy as it sounds.

My dp saw some awful things with his dm as did i but at least i was a grown woman we lost her in her early 50s. She too was always very drunk and constantly drinking.

It is that womans choice to continue her life as she is. The child doesnt have one right now and being raised around that will affect her for life. It's really not fair for anyone involved but there is choice there albeit difficult ones.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

I, personally, am not failing this child. I'm not the DH and while I agree that separation might be in their best interests, it's not in my gift to make that happen.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Unfortunately the person who is enabling her the most is her dh.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Sorry, just cross posted with you op.

[tribpot]

So who's caring for the child when the DH is abroad? Is someone else moving in to the family home during those periods? I don't think this is viable in terms of safeguarding, and I think you do need to notify SS.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

It's okay Bibbity.

Interestingly, I saw all this unfolding. Before they got married and had the baby. I posted on here asking if I should advise him not to get married to her and the MN consensus was to keep my nose out of it.

Although many posters did sympathise.

All of our worst fears are coming true. And it's not over yet.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Trib - mixture of family and friends with her (including staying overnight). We're all doing a 'shift'. She won't drink if someone is watching her. Usually.

[rosie1959]

The positive is that when she messes up she tries again
Sometimes it takes a bit of extra market research for the alcoholic to accept what they are suffering from and deal with it
You won't know when she i at her rock bottom only she can know that
Acceptance and total honesty about herself will hopefully set her free

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Oh do have some compassion Fuckcuntbadger or whatever your name is. It's not my child. I'm one of the support crew. The only thing I can do is keep the child safe in the short term / emergencies. It's not in my gift to helicopter in and take them off their parents.

[LadyCassandra]

Through my job I saw a lady a few weeks ago who had lost her husband, job and child. To me this was rock bottom, but she was still drinking. It was so sad. She was a beautiful lady, but just couldn't stop. She told me she had a flat and I had to call her dad for, so maybe not quite rock bottom.
My BIL is an addict and currently a month clean. DH and I have had many arguments about this. I say he hasn't hit rock bottom because he still has a job, clean bed and food thanks to his mum. He thinks the fact that dealers are knocking at their door every day and he is unable to leave his room because of his depression means he is.
What I'm trying to say is maybe there isn't a rock bottom.

[LadyCassandra]

*for her

[OliviaBenson]

Gosh, while I admire all of your efforts, it's not sustainable is it? In a way it's enabling the situation - but it's only a sticking plaster if it's not working. She's clearly not taking responsibility herself.

I'd ring SS op to be honest. I say that as a daughter of an alcoholic. I wish someone had called them for me and my siblings.

It really is a family disease.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

It's all cut and dried to you isn't it Badger. We thought she had hit RB. Then 13 weeks sober. Doing all the right things to keep on track. Then the latest crisis.

Will that child grow up thinking - I wish people had done more to support my mother to stay in the family? She's a fantastic , loving parent when sober, which is 99% of the time. Or will they think - I'm glad my mother wasn't around.

At some point she'll either stop drinking for ever or drink herself to death. I'm struggling to know how to identify that point.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Her dh is choosing her over his child.

Yes Maryz, spot on.

The DH is back next week. I'm going to have a frank conversation with him. It's not sustainable.

She's serving a suspended sentence (alcohol related) so if she fucks up again and the police get involved she's likely to go to jail.

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

You say she drinks when she hits a crisis - what constitutes a crisis here? Does she have MH issues, ones that are episodic in nature like bipolar disorder for example? If she can identify her triggers and learn to avert a crisis, that's a huge aspect of achieving sobriety - it certainly has been for me.

If she's just creating a crisis in order to drink, that's a different story. I used to spend months sober, then one day I'd just fancy a drink. I believed I could handle one or two. Then I'd end up sinking half a bottle of vodka, go out to get more, and the crisis would inevitably find ME. Then I'd say I'd been drinking because there was a crisis happening, to absolve me of responsibility. Does that make sense?