Brian Moore. Is he right - does adoption=rejection?

[OpeningACanofWorms]

Name changed for this. What a lot he has had to deal with but what I'm wondering is whether the feeling of rejection does disappear? I'm in my 40s and although was adopted and had a relatively happy upbringing I have always felt that I didn't quite belong.
I think I'm feeling particularly delicate today cos read a thread last night about how eating disorders are commnonly linked to adoptions. Think I've sorted it now but my problems with eating started at about the age of 6 - I even stole money to have a constant stash of food but until reading the thread last night had never linked it to the adoption.

Hope the link works

news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/rugby_union/8437469.stm

My grandmother was adopted and didn't tell anyone until her mid-80s because she was so ashamed of the fact (I was sworn to secrecy as I wasn't supposed to know) and that was despite being exceedingly happy in her family. Sadly she died before I did family history stuff and discovered that she was adopted because her mum died when she was a month old (TB) and her dad died when she was 2 so was orphaned. Hopefully there is much less of a stigma attached now.

Dh has 2 adopted cousins. One (girl) is fine mainly, we think, because it has been so awful for her adopted sibling. They both have severe food anxieties though she has improved tremendously since leaving home; he was the classic stealer and hoarder with a 'just in case' mentality. His 'dad' would frequently throw the adoption in his face - "no son of mine would ...", that sort of thing; doesn't really help the psychological well-being of the average small child. We are hoping now that he has a child of his own that he will become more settled and happy (cousin that is, he's terribly taken with having his own blood relative).

This is very interesting and quite sad for me.

DS is adopted. I worry how he will cope and constantly try to do the right thing by him but its so hard to know what is the right thing.

He was rejected by his b.mother because she simply couldnt be arsed to put the work in to keep him. Baldly put - if she really wanted to keep him, she would have him now.

I know it sounds harsh, and I know there are lots of reasons she is the way she is (I know her well). Its not that I have no sympathy for her or understanding but she did what she did.

But I have no doubt she loves him as much as she is capable of loving anyone.

I cannot tell DS that she loved him so much she wanted to give him a better life with us. Because a. she didnt want us to adopt him although she didnt want to do what she needed to do to keep him, b. I feel very uncomfortable setting my self up as 'better' than her, c. isnt that bound to make him think 'blimey you have to be careful about people who really love you, they might give you away' ?

We are also in the position that we didnt choose him. We didnt apply to adopt 'a' child and then get matched or pick him. We were asked to care for him specifically. I didnt even know his name when i agreed!

We try to be open with him about the reasons why he couldnt stay with her. Its such a fine line though. Its even more difficult for adopters who have children born through rape or whose parents have killed their partners etc.

But the days of pretending an adopted chid arrives like a brand new, cellophane wrapped dolly without a past are long gone. Thank goodness for that but it does bring its own dilemmas.

That was a longer post than I anticpated but its been on my mind a lot lately. DS came out with (seemingly out of the blue and very matter of fact). I dont want to live here anymore, I am going to live with XXXX she is my mummy.

chegirl, I'm sorry, it must have really hurt you when Ds made that comment . I know you understand why he said it but it doesn't make it hurt less

heifer - how great to hear a happy adoption story

Sorry to disappear for so long after posting the opening comment. I have a very nosey DS1 who rushes to see what I'm doing every time my fingers touch the keyboard!
Chegirl - please don't apologise for your thread. I found it really interesting but had never read about the links between adoption and food before. It seems quite logical with hindsight.

I don't think I'd ever thought about adoption being rejection before either. I too was brought up to think that I was chosen and that I had a better upbringing because I was adopted - I'm sure I did although it wasn't without difficulties.

Believe it or not (despite my opening post!) I am also a half glass full sort of person. Without sounding dramatic I've had to deal with a lot of things that might have dragged others down but have a bit of a "it'll be right" attitude. However, I sometimes think that rather than battling on with things I should perhaps try to understand a bit more about my situation.

Kristina not sure how I feel TBH. I know its a normal thing to say but didnt somehow expect it from DS. Naive I suppose.

I did try and ask him why he said it (later on and in a calm way) but its very difficult to ask DS any sort of question. His SN makes it hard for him to understand anything remotely abstract.

In a way its a sign of him developing along 'normal' lines so I should look at it as a good thing.

(Hows that for glass half full thinking )

Good to see you back opening

I'm glad that many of the adoptees on here have been so positive about their experiences and aren't very focussed on feelings of rejection. However as an adoptive parent I beleive you need to be open to the fact that your child may have feelings of rejection and that it is perfectly normal if they do.

I hate the attitude that prevails in the wider community (not within the adoption community) that children who were adopted were "lucky". If I had a pound for every person who told me that DS was a "lucky boy" to have me, I'd be retiring early!

I think this attitude sets up an expectation for an adopted child to be grateful and not rock the boat with any negative feelings about their situation and I hate the thought (however painful for me) that DS would feel unable to tell me his true feelings. Of course we are lucky to have each other (though I do feel I got the better half of the bargain) but it undeniably came out of some extremely poor luck on his (and his birth mothers) part - I do now say to people who tell me he's lucky "No, lucky would have been staying with his birth family safely and prosperously" (with a nice ) but I suspect I may have to moderate by zero tolerance approach as he gets older!

I hope DS grows up feeling positive about himself and his situation, I hope that he doesn't feel rejection too keenly, I hope he is able to talk to me about how he feels, whatever it is. I hope he becomes Prime Minister. Actually strike that, I'm really not sure I hope that at all... wins X factor maybe?

I agree with the 'lucky' think Kew.

I know that people are trying to be nice and saying it for the best reasons but it makes me cringe.

Its not something that is said to about a birth child very often is it? However brilliant you are as a mum its not likely someone will say 'isnt your little boy lucky that you gave birth to him?'

When people say it in front of DS......

Dont be bedlam . I wasnt referring to your words. Besides you are perfectly entitled to say what you want about your own circumstances.

Random people saying 'awwww isnt he lucky that you took him on' in front of my lovely boy are an entirely different matter

Yes Bedlam I have no problem with you saying that you feel lucky. It would be lovely to think one day that DS will also feel the same way. Being expected to feel lucky however usually by random strangers is another matter altogether. And so far Che - it has almost without exception been in front of DS , though it has died off a bit recently.

Agree with bedlambeast. Giving a child for adoption is not about "rejecting" them. It's a very difficult decision for the parents who may just not be in a position (for a number of reasons) to care for that child. Far better to be adopted than to experience rejection with one's own birth parents when they cannot cope with parenthood. As my friend said when someone asked if she minded being adopted- "No, if I hadn't been adopted I'd have had a really S* life". Her birth mother was a 16 year old with a serious drug habit and several court appearances outstanding. I'm not sure she worries about rejection as much as being grateful for her lucky "upgrade". A lot of kids aren't that fortunate.

artic fox - i think your post demonstrates that their is no one " correct" perspective about adoption. i agree that relinquishing a child for adoption is not " about rejection", in that birth parenst are not motivated by the desire to reject their child and yes, of course its a difficult decision, no one is arguing otherwise.

In the same way, a spouse/partner who leaves their partner and children for a new relationship also finds it difficult and woudl say its not about rejection, they will say its about love, or finding yourself/one true love, that they had no choice, that their relationship/ life was intolerable etc etc

but that doesn't mean that some partners/children don't feel rejected, because their loved one prioritised "love", personal fulfilment , education, social standing, career, or financial stability over their child.

i am glad that your friend is happy at being "upgraded" . I'm sure my children could be " upgraded" too, in that their are families out there with more money, nicer houses etc that ours. But I'm very glad that they are with us, because they are ours.

If my husband left me so that i could be free to find a richer /younger/more sucessful man, I would feel rejected too. I woudln't feel it was a selfless act of love.

Some teenagers with addiction problems DO manage to parent their children adequately, usually with support. In fact some of them are on this board. No, its certainly not easy. But its not impossible and i have every respect for those who have got their act together and done it for the sake of their child.

Please understand, I am not criticising any relinquishing birth parent. i am just saying that just hoping that your child wont feel rejected wont actually stop it happening. You cant tell other people what/how to feel by redefining the situation in your own terms

For many years, adoptees were told they should feel grateful, that they were being brought up in a decent/ respectable/two parenst/ financially comfortable family. As many a-parenst here have pointed out, no one ever says this to children raised in their bio families.

As kewcumer often posts here - you say my son is lucky? no , lucky would be to be brought up by his bio family in love and prosperity. I am the one who is lucky to have him"

Its possible to have many feeling at once about being adopted.....

yes, i love my adoptive family and feel loved by them

yes i accept that i have probably had an easier/more comfortable life

yes i love/miss/wish i knew more about my biological family

yes, i feel angry about the circumstances that led to my being adopted and the poor choices made by adults

yes, i feel abandoned and rejected by my birth family

Feeling are not right or wrong, they just are.

My husband was adopted and never came to terms with the fact that his birth mother had "abandoned" him, as he saw it. Sadly he committed suicide just before Christmas.

He never found out anything about his birth parents and never wanted to. However I have a lovely ds and I would like him to have the choice of finding out about his blood relatives if he wants.

I don't think I can get his original birth certificate. Does anyone know if this is correct?

Are there any good discussion boards for finding relatives?

Thanks

Jesus Casawasa, so sorry.

hi casawasa, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dh, are you getting any support for yourself and your DS? Suicide leaves such a terrible legacy doesn't it? You have so much else to deal with on top of the loss.....

I don't think anyone else can get the original birth certificate, it has to be the adopteee him/herself. But you can put your name on the contact register for the country in which you live ( and / or where your Dh was adopted). So you could be contacted if any birth relative tries to trace your late DH

Sorry to hear about your DH Casawasa. You could contact Norcap and ask their advice on this problem.

casawasa - you need to contact birthlink

Are you in the western isles?

The problem with the 'choice' explanation from adoptive parents, for me, is that it implies that your biological parents didn't 'choose' you. That whether to be a parent is optional somehow, even transient.

I am very close to my adoptive parents too and have always known I was adoptive. But I would say I did feel different from other children growing up. I don't know if 'rejected' is quite the right word or if it's more 'misfit.' It's very hard to pinpoint which part of this is down to your individual family dynamics and which part is linked to the adoption process.

I know a lot about my biological mother and her family now and have been weighing up making direct contact with them. She was already dating the man she is currently married to when she was pregnant with me apparently - the agency told me this. THey now have three children, all evidently really successful.On the surface her 'choice' - which was not me and my father, if he was even an option - seems to have gone super well for her. But who knows what I will actually find if I ever meet them.

casawasa I'm so sorry.

I don't agree that adoption always = rejection.
Our dd was fostered by us from birth. Her BM fought for two years to keep her. BM had severe learning difficulties and I worked closely with her to try and teach her the basic skills she would need to care for her child. Bm had given birth to 7 children over 20 years and all have been adopted. She will never be able to care for a child but that doesn't mean she doesn't love her children or that she rejected them.
When it became obvious that she would not pass the parenting assessment she asked if my dh and I would adopt her dd. She was unaware that we had already told social workers we would keep the child. Bm always wanted the best possible outcome for her dd which was to stay with the people who had cared for her from birth.

I know that not all adopted children are lucky enough to be in my DDs position but unless children know the full history of their adoption I don't think it should always be assumed that they were rejected.

oops just noticed what an old thread this is.