Questioning the relevance of all this info the social worker wants....

[randomtask]

I'm adopting DSS (aged 8), his mother (DH's first wife) died when DSS was 3, DH and I got married last year. As far as DSS is concerned, I'm Mummy and then there's 'Mummy Up There' who he remembers well. The only reason for the adoption is to make the legal relationship clearer and also for when DH and I have more children.

I've filled in forms about why I want to adopt him, what I'd like his future to be, who my family's names and what their professions are, we've all filled in forms (inc DSS) about each others personality and described ourselves physically. TBH, apart from the CRB and 'court form' I've felt these are all a bit daft as whatever happens I'll remain as 'Mummy' but I've appreciated that it's the system.

DH met the social worker today to 'see that he agrees to me adopting his son and to find out about his birth mother'. I didn't need to be there and it seemed quite obvious she didn't want me to be.

She was there for two hours, wanted DH to tell her about his relationship with DSS's mother from getting together to her death, wanted to know about DSS's reaction to her death (fair enough) and will 'write a report'. DH now has to write a 'report' himself on his first wife's personality etc to send to the social worker. Now I understand all the rest of the stuff, but what relevance does this have to whether I'll be a 'good mother' or DSS's future life? DH says it'll 'go on file' so DSS can look at it in the future if he wants. Well DSS still sees all his mothers family (as we have told the social worker-they seem more interested in her family than mine) and is surrounded by people who will answer his questions with love and understanding, as and when they come.

I guess what I'm really fed up with is feeling like DSS will forever feel like 'the boy whose Mum died' and he's been getting over that in the last year.

Any wisdom or humour would be appreciated!

The fact one family loses rights to DSS and another gains rights, is scary. To me though, it's more scary they're not looking into the family he's gaining. It's like saying 'here's a report on your past and good luck' whilst waving him off.

DSS's mother's family were a little surprised about losing their rights but said that was fine as they want him to have a 'normal family' and the security this brings. They're only concern was if DH and I both die which is why we're going to set up the will.

I didn't realise I could see the final report. We're seeing the SW next week (DSS and I) and then she said the next time would be in court so I'll have to check that with her. I'm not really concerned with it (I know it'll be extremely positive as the SW's keep telling us) but I had a friend who was fine with being adopted until he saw his 'file'. So I'd like to be aware of what it says even though DSS already knows everything.

As for the invite to court, as I say, as far as we (and our families-all three and friends) are concerned, we became Mummy and son when DH and I got married. DSS ran around the church yard screaming 'I've got a new Mummy!' for about half an hour afterwards so we've all already had that moment. DSS is confused enough that there's anyone who doesn't think I'm his Mummy.

I'm just looking forward to it all being over and 'legal' and getting on with our lives!

aw, dss running round the church sounds so lovely. I hope it all goes VERY well.

Stewie, I know relatives beyond immediate family don't have 'rights' as such, but their relationship with their grandchild/nephew/cousin is recognised in law - wrt inheritance, for instance. And adoption severs that link for ever - seems so dramatic. I'd heard about step-parent adoption (and seen one very happy one at close hand) but just hadn't thought about the birth parents' wider family.

Maybe parental rights offers a new route that will become preferable to adoption?

There is now a special guardianship order. It is meant to bridge the gap between a residential order and adoption. It gives more PR than and RO but is not as 'drastic' as adoption.

I am not sure if it is relevant in a SP case but it is becoming more common in kinship/relative cases.

BTW random have a REALLY good read of the report. You may be suprised at how many little mistakes it contains . Inevitable with such a complex and detailed document I suppose. There were loads of odd little things in ours.

Good luck.

Our social worker told us that she has seen adoption certificates come back that no longer have the birth parent on but now have the step parent and the birth parent who is no longer around. So believe me I'll check everything that comes near us.

DH emailed the social worker yesterday asking all of our questions, explaining that we'll support 'the process' but are concerned it's more about DSS's past than his present. We'll see what she comes back with.

We looked at the other alternatives (parental orders etc) but none of them would give DH and I 'equal rights to DSS' or would keep things simple if anything bad were to happen to DH. Weirdly, the SW's didn't question why we were only looking at adoption so maybe it's the 'logical option' if one birth parent has died.

My husband adopted my daughter last year. I did not have to give up my rights and adopt her also - as stated by the Judge in court.

My exh gave his consent via writing to terminate his parental rights and he was never interviewed by CAFCASS or social services.

My husband and I were always interviewed together and have about 4 in total with DD having one interview with us also both being there.

Our social worker was fab. She took pictures of the whole process for DD right upto the day the order was made and she got to sit in the judges seat in court.

special guardianship is normally given to kinship carers who need a bit of a 'trump card'. this is used when parents are keeping pr but say gran has the kids. this owuld mean that although gran has to consider parents she can overule parents.

it wouldnt make any sense in this case and to me adoption is the only real answer.

there should be 6 weekly visits to the children as whilst the adoption process is going through the children are open to social services