After finding my birth mother, phone call today said she doesn't want to know

[jofeb04]

Hiya,
Some of you are aware of my search for my biological mother. After recieving a letter from her, my social worker wrote to her saying I would like contact a couple of months ago. After no response, social worker rang her today.

So, Social worker rang me earlier this afternoon and my birth mother wants no contact at present. BM said she is a different person to who she was before and that she is well and fit.

Now, this is sort of what I was expecting, but my emotions are all over the place at present.

Just wanted to write it all down I suppose.

Social Worker also asked her who my biological father, and she would not say, so not only am I missing out on some sort of relationship with my bm, but also my bfather, and his children.

Jofeb, I am so sorry for you. I agree with a couple of people who have said it is ok to be angry. You shouldn't have to stop yourself feeling negative emotions by putting guilt on yourself by telling yourself you should try to see things from your BM's side.

You didn't ask to be born. You had no control over being given away. It DOES hurt and I believe it will hurt even if you had the best adoptive parents in the world. SHE, and your BF did this to you and I think you have a right to get some answers! I know exactly what you mean by missing something (even though you aren't sure exactly what it is in words) and wanting to feel you know who you are. I would be SO angry if my BM had refused to have contact with me and had kept my BF away from me forever. As it was I was angry that she kept telling me different stories about what happened when I really wanted to just know the truth and the truth was so important to me, then she got in contact with BF but wouldn't pass on his contact details until she had "had him to herself for a bit".

It's like she thinks that because you had adoptive parents that's it and you don't need anything else. I don't think people realise how much being adopted affects people, for life probably!

I think it would be a good idea to write her a letter and say there are a few questions you would like answers on so that you can get more idea about who you are and where you came from and what happened etc and that it is important to you to know something about your BF. You could say if she doesn't want face to face contact would she be happy to write to you, at least to answer your questions. I agree that you should consider her feelings and write in considerate language but I don't think you should deny your feelings in favour of hers.

Another thing that helped me is to think that who you are is not ALL about who your parents are and who gave birth to you etc. I decided to think of myself as "You are what you do" (From Paul McKenna's Instant Confidence). I wrote down what was important to me and what would be the qualities of someone I would admire and respect the most and try to be that person.

Another thing that helped me is the thought that you can create the family you want by getting people around you who fulfil different needs that you have and those people don't have to be related to you officially or genetically (Therapist said this). That way you can choose people who treat you the way you want to be treated rather than having to settle for your original family members (adoptive and blood) if they aren't treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

Sorry I'm probably getting too far ahead with the last 2 paragraphs as you need to deal with your feelings about your initial contact with your BM to start with. I've got to this point after being disappointed over and over by my adoptive and birthparents but shouldn't assume it isn't going to work out more positively for you.

Good luck.

PS Thank you to posters who understand that it DOES have a big effect on you to be adopted and our feelings about it shouldn't be dismissed just because we were 'lucky' enough to get adoptive parents. I know adoptive parents probably want to feel that they can make everything ok and be everything the child needs and it hurts them if they feel they can't but I think they have to accept that they can't make it ALL better even if they are wonderful.

jo am so sorry. Very disappointing for you. I am going through something similar, my biological father has 2 sons, one of whom I have just got in contact with today. BioF had not told his family about me, and when my half brother asked him denied everything. Feel sick to my stomach with anxiety, waiting for brother to email me back- or not. Really hope he does. And really hope you do get the answers you need in time. Like you I want to know who I am, and for my other side of the family to know my children.

I find it odd that she won't give you ANY information about your birth father.

Suggests there's a problem.

Was he married? Has he died? Something else?- I can think of several things - such as not even knowing who he was (have you considered that at all?).

I would want to say that if she continued to deny you specific information then I'd want to know her reasons. If for, example, he's died, then this would possibly help put it all into context.

If she doesn't actually know then perhaps she feels you'd judge her. Perhaps you need to be upfront about this - but it would surely raise issues for you and might be harder to accept you'll never know at all.

Starlight, I find what you said really interesting because my BM said that when we met and she found out that my life hadn't been as good as the life she had wanted for me, she found this difficult. She went on to make up stories and wildly exaggerate things about herself and her past, she said, to make me think that she wouldn't have been a good mother and that she made the right decision.

I can see that she wanted to feel she had made the right decision and I do feel for her, living with her feelings about it all, but she did hurt me by not being straight with me and by playing games.

Wanting to know the truth about everything has felt HUGELY important to me and I couldn't rest until I felt I had the truth, whether it was a 'nice' truth or not.

It does make me feel better to know that things were more difficult for young single mothers back then, not because I want her to have suffered, but because it helps me understand why/how she did it. I want there to be a bloody good reason and if I can understand it, I feel more forgiving.

Thoughts of the adoption used to make me feel there was something wrong with me, for her (well them, it wasn't all HER fault) to give me away, and used to make me feel unimportant because I wasn't wanted in the same way as other people. I bet lots of adopted people feel this way. I don't feel this way so much now and if the following thoughts for adoptees are helpful to anyone then I'm glad for going on and on about it:

There was nothing wrong with you. Your birthparents didn't even have a chance to get to know you, to know whether there was something about you they disliked enough to not want you before you were taken from them. In lots of cases the birthparents have made the decision before the baby is actually born.

They didn't get rid of you because you were not important but because THEY couldn't cope with being parents. So they did it because of their OWN deficiencies not because of yours.

You are not unimportant. Would you look at a friend of yours who was adopted and see her/him as being less important than people who weren't adopted - No - so other people probably don't see you as being less important either.

"There was nothing wrong with you. Your birthparents didn't even have a chance to get to know you, to know whether there was something about you they disliked enough to not want you before you were taken from them. In lots of cases the birthparents have made the decision before the baby is actually born." thats really interesting as I've often thought I would say that to DS when he is old enough to understand.

Hi All,

Apologies for not reply to any of you, have had a lot to think about.

Emotionally, I am still on a see-saw, thinking about my bm quite often, along with my birth father and his children.

I'll never know them. It feels like I have been rejected a second time.

Still, she may change her mind or she may not, but I have done all I can.

But after all that, (and reading the thread in the news), my mum and dad are not second best.