"Sorry I forgot she's not your child"

[namechange2009]

This was said to me by a counsellor I am seeing for stress related problems and I must admit I was gobsmacked when she said it. It came up when I was discussing DD's birth relations and the counsellor was initially puzzled then remembered my DD was adopted. Previously she has also referred to my DD's "real" parents. The reason I am seeing her is not directly related to my DD, who we adopted 4 years ago, but I have spoken to the counsellor about my DD's adoption issues for a couple of sessions about a month ago. I am not too bothered by the fact she forgot but more by her terminology - I know she doesn't mean that I am not my DD's mother, it's just her way of expressing it but surely a counsellor should be more sensitive to their use of language than this! OTOH I believe she is beginning to help me with the problem I have so I don't really want to change counsellors.

Am I right to be put out by the way she talks about adoption? I am thinking of looking for an article about 'positive' adoption language

do i sense a theme here with you accountant and laywers......i'm sure this is a cue for a few jokes here but i will restrain myself

at the girls headteacher izzy. you did well to hold your tongue

ouch! that's incredibly insensitive for a counsellor.

I've done the forgetting someone is adopted thing but never in a bad way - just making the odd remark about how X really takes after his dad or so on. I apologised but think it may even be positive as it shows how strong their relationship is even to outsiders.

Yes Edam and the fact that she has been such an incredible help to me in other areas, she has changed my life in fact, makes it all the more shocking to me that she can be so unaware about adoption language. I am totally baffled by her.

I found this to give her

www.adoptivefamiliesmagazine.com/pdf/PositiveLanguage.pdf

Hope this link works.

oh useful link namechange, thanks

Hi namechange -Just a thought - as you'd talked about the adoption for a couple of earlier sessions - I wonder if she thought, consciously or subconsciously, that it was maybe an issue for you? It may well not be but only say because it sometimes is for me (semi adoptive mum, partner to widowed dad for two years)In that i feel strongly I am her real mum but sometimes wonder if i'm as real as other mums who conceived and grew their babies too. And whether I'm thought of by others in that way too.

Or maybe an issue for her? in her own background? bet she's raised it in her own 'debriefing' session since.

BTW we use 'first mummy ' or just 'mummy ' - because 'birth mum' seems to belittle what she was.I do like to avoid saying 'not' anything cos seems such a negative word.

haven't read your link though will do that now.

glad you've got a good counsellor who suits you though - they're only human but you seem to have forgiven her anyway - as i said probably her own issues surfacing, bound to happen sometimes though i'm sure its not supposed to.

Hmm

have read the above link, and tho i agree with the sentiment (ie the 'negative' terms are all pretty inappropriate) i'm not enthused with the alternatives - they're described as 'emotionally correct' but most of them sound really cold and clinical.

Like it or not, adoption surely is always an emotional business and anyone who thinks it isn't shouldn't be involved in it! though the legal people involved i suppose need to keep things rational and calm as possible.

Maybe i shouldn't diss this until i've had a go at some terminologies myself!

I haven't adopted a child from living parents though so don't really have a grasp of what's involved. what do others think?

i agree dreamylady, i think that "birth mother" is perhaps less suitable when that person has actually parented the child for any length of time, rather than been pg and given birth then relinquished the child

have you adopted your partners children? If so you woudl be their adoptive mother. Otherwise aren't you are their step mother?????

I do think terminology can be a nightmare - finding positive neat concise ways to use with a child is tough.

In my ds's case Birth mother is a good term to use as it does quite accurately define her biological role (not to downplay her symbolic role in other ways).

I thin kif I had adotped a child who had previously been paretned by another mother I use be tempted to call her Mummy Sue eg and choose a different name for myself eg Mum, Mumma or (Ma'am )

Actually I have a rather embarrasing update - the next session I told her how what she said had bugged me, and she was really good about it and apologised. Then, in that very same session I actually referred to myself as 'not having had my own children' and I did it again in our next session! I think I've probably being doing it all along without realising it, I'm amazed I never noticed it. I've been belittling my experience as a mum all along and never knew it! And I'm really glad I stayed with the counsellor, she's turning out to be really fantastic.

BTW I adopted from birth but am still not keen on 'birthmum','tummymummy'. I still think there's more to it then just carrying a child in your stomach -there's the whole gentic thing and extended family too. Anyway, maybe i'm being too pedantic and I've never found anything better anyway.