Bit of a niche question....however......is anyone else a biological child in a family of adopted children - and have you experienced the "Shiloh" effect?

[GivePeasAChance]

Just wondered...........because when Angelina Jolie said about Shiloh that she felt that she needed less than the other children it really struck a cord with me. I am the Shiloh - always be OK, don't need what the others need, treated differently (not badly, just differently ) etc etc.

Having re-read that I sounds rather hash on you Peas and I don't mean it to be.

(BTW - without meaning to be an apologist for AJ, she does donate significant money to orphanages)

Kew - I do totally agree and you put it so well. I think my OP was because I was interested to see whether this was a common thing or whether it was justmy family. I actually understand it totally really - it is actually very logical. Absolutely I would prefer to be treated as the one who is less maintenance. And when I say that I will get on with things I will. I don't think I will ever mention these fleeting feelings to my parents because they would be horrified and most likely very upset.

And also I really like Angelina - she has verbalised something that is probably very common and part of having adopted and bio children and so I can only respect her for that. I have no idea how they cope with all the children and only worry about all the moving about but apart from that minor point they have have my utmost respect.

Thanks for your post kew. It is really interesting.

I don't want to deny your rights to feel the way you do Peas - I still feel that lack of fuss when I got good O levels, A levels and a degree very keenly and with a great sense of injustice at 43, so I'm not actually in a position to lecture anyone else!

Yep - just those 'little' things. But as you say, as an adult you are able to rationalise it and make sense of it. It's not bad, just different and because it is not bad, there really is no problem !

I may be off here but I think AJ is unusual in having adopted & bio children so similar in age. Normally ime there is an age gap which allows differing needs to be met. For her to view them so differently makes me feel , as if she's overcompensating & not sure that's healthy for any of them.

Haven't read all of thread, just the first bit but I have an older db who was adopted and I wasn't.

On the surface throughout our childhoods we were treated equally apart from one shocking incident where my db was very physically violent towards me once when he was drunk, aged about 22 (and therefore old enough to know better imho) - I was 5 years younger.

My parents didn't really deal with what happened and didn't particularly say anything to him and I remember them strongly implying that it was because they had to make allowances because he was adopted. Wtf?

It left me feeling bitter for a long time. I had a black eye and bruising around my neck where he was strangling me.

I suppose I've given you quite an extreme example there OP.

I've not even thought about this for years and am actually quite close to my db but thinking about it after all this time is quite upsetting. Think I've been in denial. Anyway, I'm in danger of thread hijacking so will shut up now!

Surely as soon as you give your biological child less of yourself then you are in fact causing them to be in need as much as an adopted child. I hope tht makes sense I didnt know how to put what I meant.

Chip - that is a quite shocking incident. I don't know what to say really. It's wierd. I understand totally why parents do it, but still it's wierd.

Poor you, Chipmunk. That's awful

I was thinking about this thread today when dealing with my adopted DD, aged 3. She has a tendency to shout at, push away, take things off her 8 year old brother and to favour her 12 year old brother. It would be tempting to try to persuade the 8 year old to give in to her for the sake of family peace, but DH and I both feel strongly that that would not be good for her or us, so we end up dealing with her RAGES and I mean RAGES about things like...a piece of lego that she absolutely MUST have. And if you saw how much lego there is in our house, you would know that she is in no way lego-deprived

I think the rages are primal, they're not about lego or daft stuff like that, they're a chance to explode about what's happened to her in her short life...so we just put her somewhere safe and tell her we'll talk to her when she's calm. There's no point trying to hold or comfort her, she's like a furious wild animal. It's hard. When it's over though, she's sweet and ready to be cuddled.

That's a bit of a picture of why you have to tiptoe a little more around an adopted child - they have a secret part of themselves which you will never access and they have to know that you can 'hold' them, emotionally when it all gets too much.

Givepeas - my parents did and do a lot of strange things so it's not out of character.

It is awful that they did nothing afterwards. I felt, and if I think about it now, that I didn't matter. Obviously this is an extreme example and I hope none of you have something like this happen between your dcs.

I have another two half brothers and although I think one was away at the time, I remember the other one being really shocked and not understanding why our parents had done so little to discipline the other brother.

It was not a situation where we were both to blame or I provoked him. I was on the phone to my boyfriend at the time and he wanted to use the phone. That was the provocation.
The thread isn't about my relationship with db so I won't go down that route any further.

What I will say is, be mindful of going too far with trying to make allowances for adopted dcs compared to biological ones.

I wonder some times if I treat dd as a 'shiloh child' as she is so competent and (to be blunt) clever, whilst ds has severe cerebral palsy. I try hard not to treat my kids differently, although they do have different needs. I have read this thread with interest and now I am going to give my dd a hug and tell her how much I love her.

Janni - without being too crawly bum lick, you sound like an awesome adoptive parent.

I am so sorry about that incident Chip; I do understand, although I have not had anything so extreme.

And Lojoes - I think this is the crux - children have different needs, and as a parent you have to deal the best you can with it ?

I wasn't adopted, but have 2 daughters, dd1 birth child, dd2 adopted. dd1 has special needs (which have become more severe since the adoption of dd2 - but in no way related to the adoption) but dd2 does not.

I try to balance the 2 very different needs of each daughter, but felt awful for (adopted) dd2 this week as dd1 was admitted to hospital mid week, and then had to have emergency brain surgery. The next day dd2 went off with (very good and fabulous) family friends, who have 2 children, for the day, the night and the next day until 6. I felt DREADFUL, as if she was being 'shipped off' whilst dh and I were at neuro ward in hospital. In truth dd2 had 2 fabulous days and loved the 'sleepover' (her first ever, and a bit younger than I had anticipated!!) but I felt so guilty. She did visit the neuro ward the next day - not much fun for her - but we wanted her to see what was going on with her sister. (and the nurses made a great fuss of her, which she loved).

DD1 is home now (last night) so I want to take dd2 somewhere today (if dh will be with dd1) so she feels special and loved. Because I don't want her to think in later life that she was left out due to dd1's needs, or to somehow feel she was in any way left out in the cold due to dd1, 'the birth child'.

I think I am a bit tired and emotional too at the moment...... It's been quite a bad week!There was not much sleep to be had on the ward!

Pheasantplucker - i'm so sorry to hear about your DD1 - what a terrible time for you all. Glad to hear she is home now.

i don't know its its any consolation, but we had a time when our younger children were 4 and 15 months and one of the older ones was in hospital a lot. I felt SO SO guilty that the other two were looked after by a selection of relatives while we ran back and forward to the hospital.

However, our 4yo absolutely loved having her aunties to stay and was much happier being spoilt by them than staying at home with boring, stressed out Mum and Dad. She did go to the hospital too for a few vistits and wasn't upset by being there at all. So i don't think she felt neglected or left out at all - i hope your DD2 is the same

Thanks, GivePeas. I have my good and bad days like everyone!!

PheasantPlucker - I read a childs prayer today for his father who was giving a big presentation and was nervous about it - his DS said "God help Daddy be brave and do his best".

It struck me as pretty apt for all parents - try to be brave and do your best. If I look back and can feel that I did that, then I don't think I can ask for more even if I'm not the perfect parent.

Great advice Kewcumber. Thanks for your words too.
I took dd2 to the cinema for the first time ever yesterday, just dd2 and me. We had popcorn, watched the film, and I bought her a silly plastic thing from a machine in the foyer afterwards which 'was the best part of the cinema trip' (it was a toy Disney princess!) and told her how much fun I had had with her as we left via the escalator.

pheasant plucker.
Heh pp, do you have a vue near you, they do kids am movies you have to ring first to find out what the movie is andd what time its on, they cost £1.50 per child and a free adult ticket with every child.

lojoes - no, sadly ours is an Odeon. What a great idea though.

I knwo it's not exactly relevant but how come that twat Angelina can get away with saying she doesn't need to bond as much blah de balh yet then she can get IVF when thousands of others who actually give a shit about their children can't. She should have the lot taken from her, she wants to be the do-gooder but she doesn't actually give these kids a stable home they get shifted from pillar to post that can't be good for them. As far as I'm concerned the woman is obsessed with getting all the publicity for being such a 'good person' maybe someone should tell her that being a good prson doesn't make you a good parent. Now the twins will be shunted off too more than likely. Poor kids.

I am just deeply suspicious of people who publicise their children so determinedly, whether those kids are adopted or biological.

Yes the Pitts are famous but look at Ewan McGregor, who has also adopted a child, I believe from mongolia. He has 3 children and has never sold any pictures of them and goes to great lengths that they have a private life. He also respected his adopted daughters name and didn't change it!

She didn't have IVF.

I sold my DS's picture and changed his name.

But I think the difference is motivation - their media campaign is so sustained and their kids are so globally public, I tihnk that is a helluvalot different to what I imagine was an article/s about adoption?

How old was your DS when you adopted him? Their child was three. There are issues around identity and sense of self as I am sure you know and took into account with your own child.

and Ewan McGregors was 4.

All children deserve a family even a screwy family. People are not queueing up to adopt 2+ yr old asian boys, I understand thats why she chose to do so.

I have issue with aspects of AJ's family but to suggest her children should be taken away from her is tasteless.

Honoria - I really don't have a particular issue with you view that she shouldn't publicise then, its a reasonable view I just think people underestimate how terrible life in an institution is. The Hague convention agrees that being adopted into a culture not yours by birth is not ideal but still a better option than an institution.

I also think you are judging AJ by Uk adotpion norms when in the US on the whole - any adoption is seen to be a "good thing", often older childrne are adopted as standard, often names are changed as standard even with older children, childrne are adopted out of brith order. This is all seen as normal in the US.

In the Uk we have the culture that adoptions are rarely deemed "normal".

and Ewan McGregor used his "stardom" in other ways - its virtually impossible to adopt from Mongolia. He obviously used personal connections. Nothing wrong with that in my view, one less child growing up in an institution is a good thing. But lets not pretend there was anything normal about his adoption even if it wasn't publicised.

(as an aside I'm interested to know how you know they didn;t change the childs name as far as I know they haven't commented)