People who were adopted and are tracing or have traced bio parents...

[madamez]

I know this is so late at night that most of you are asleep so I won't flap if I don't get many responses till tomorrow...
I think I am about to start trying to trace. I am really scared. Really really really scared, but I am coming to the conclusion that I sort of need to do it and I won't feel quite right till I have taken at least a few steps along the way.
SO those of you who have done it or are doing it, how bad and scary will it get?

Hi Madamez, have only read through some of these posts so apols if I am repeating what others have said. I was adopted at birth in 1973 and last year decided to get a hold of my birth cert. There was no compulsory counselling as the adoption took place in Scotland. I didn't tell anyone what I was doing as I felt it was "my" thing and I wanted to make decisions in my own time and on my own terms.

By a bit of internet searching and some lucky logical leaps I found my birth mother who had married my birth father, and two younger full blood sisters. It has been difficult, particularly for my mum (adopted mum), but I am now firmly part of my birth family and we have a great relationship with no guilt or bad feeling. Honesty is important with your adoptive parents / family though.

I have heard good things about Norcap, and bad things about the compulsory counselling sessions (fairly weak it would appear - no tackling of any real issues). If you are prepared to find something you may not like and are searching for "healthy" reasons (i.e. not to try and find a substitute family) then go ahead. It has made a huge difference to me in terms of my identity and self-perception to meet people who talk and look like me, and who seem similar in so many ways - amazing really.

If you want to chat further my email address is alydotfielden@gmaildotcom. My7 life is better for having this added dimension to it ... but my adoptive mum will always be my real mum.
SB x.

I'm definitely not looking for a substitute family - my family are great. I think I just want to know. I want to see people who look like me (DS does, of course - but he is the only one).

Hi Madamez,

I was given up for adoption at 9 days old and was always interested to know where I'd come from - not through any longing for a new family or anything I hasten to add.

I found my original birth certificate in a drawer at my parents and used the details to get hold of my adoption file (via an Adoption charity in Manchester). Once I'd got hold of the file I told my parents and they were supportive but a bit upset.

I didn't do anything with the information for a few years, till I was bored one day at work and decided to look up my birth mother's name on Friends Reunited - and while she wasn't there, there was a boy a year younger with the same surname. Knowing she had a brother, I emailed him asking whether he'd lived in the town she was from. He replied the next week saying yes, and did I know the family - so I told him who I was and apologies for imposing on him. I knew that he knew about me by the way, as it said he'd been looking after her when she was pregnant.

He passed my details onto her and she emailed me - for a few weeks we mailed and texted then it all got a bit intense as she wanted to meet up but I wasn't ready. That was 6 years ago and we still haven't met! In fact, I have barely communicated with her since then, but am in regular contact with 2 of my 3 half brothers who are a few years younger than me. I hear about her through them, so I assume they tell her about me (but maybe they don't) - I never told her I'd moved to the US, or had a baby, but the boys know.

Sorry for the long message - I think finding out about yourself is great, and even if you don't build a relationship with her, you may come out with some other friendships with random siblings!

Good luck

Hiya,
Just seen this thread.

I'm in the process of searching for my biological mum, and am very scared of telling my parents.

I now have an address (and also found her brothers on facebook!), and don't know what to do with them! I am going through social services, but do not need any counselling. But, my worries are the same as many here.

Good Luck, and keep us updated.

jofeb04 - I was also concerned about telling my parents as I felt I was betraying them. When I did tell them my mum was just as curious as me about my birth parents, but my dad was against it - he was worried about me getting hurt.

There were times when things did get a bit too much for me & it was good that they were there to support me.

Hi - I was adopted in 1973 so had to have the obligatory 'counselling' which ,as another post has said, was very brief. The thing I was most unprepared for was in that first meeting with the social worker, without warning, she just came out with my BMs name and my birth name. I was so shocked and unprepared to hear that information I went round in a daze for weeks afterwards. However, after having read my adoption file etc and having had time to come to terms with all of the information, I am very glad that I have discovered why I was adopted. I am truly grateful to my BM (who was only just 17 at the time) as I have had a lovely life and I just hope that she has had a happy life and was able to put 'me' behind her. So you don't need to ask your mum for your BMs name, just be prepared that the social worker will tell you at your first meeting.Hope this helps in some small way.

Madamez, I was born in 1972 and got around the counselling session (because I didn't want it) by registering on the Office of National Statistics Adoption Contact Register (read about it on the ONS website). Some people who want to trace relatives register on there and my mother did. When I also registered, they posted me my mother's address. You have to have your full original birth certificate to register. It was about 10 years ago so I hope I haven't left out any important details.

I ended up meeting BM, and eventually BF as well. The experience hasn't been particularly good, but I agree that it is something you just have to do, you feel that in your guts, you have to know what happened and see their faces etc. So even though it wasn't really a good experience for me I don't regret it and I think you should do it otherwise you will always be wondering and always feel you have unfinished business.

The difficult thing is that no matter how much anyone tells you the reunion might not be what you expect and your BPs might not be the sort of people you were expecting, you can't help but have a fantasy image of what you hope they will be like and how you hope they will behave with you. I think it is easy to be disappointed and disillusioned.

I was so sensitive to any little signs of further rejection that she always had to walk on eggshells with me - although she didn't try to and some of her behaviour wasn't 'little things' but quite bad. It has ended up that I can't handle seeing her face to face anymore and have set the boundary of an email only relationship. We get on fine that way.

Meeting her and BF has not filled the gap that I feel in myself that a lot of adopted people describe but I am still glad I met her.

Hi just caught up with this. I was adopted at birth and traced my BM when I turned 21 through social services. It?s been 10 years since and it's been an up and down experience for all and I definitely wish I had done certain things differently. I think it is very important to be clear on what type of relationship (if any) you would like to have with your BM. And also what you would like out of the contact. Once you get in contact it can so quickly result in a rollercoaster of emotions and situations that can drag you along and before you know it could spin out of control. I wish I had stuck to my original plan which was just contact through letter writing and maybe one meeting. Looking back on this I realise I had the initial control but so quickly passed over to BM in the excitement and almost got emotionally "run over". She was so excited and so was I that we both just jumped feet first into meeting after meeting and soon after holidays together. The glitter soon worn of and we had terrible arguments. All is better now, but we only have email contact. Please talk to your mum. My mum told me that what hurt the most was me not telling her from the beginning and because of that it caused her to worry more than she would have. She questioned my intentions and it took a long time before she believed me. I caused her heartache because I started the process of tracing my BM without her knowing. It is never going to be an easy road, but I am so glad I had my mum with me through all this. I think most mums worries are ?why? and ?what if? and ?what about me?. Honesty and reassurance is the best way to handle it with your mum. The truth is, she is your mum and no one in the world would ever take her place. That is really all they want to hear and know. I wish you the best of luck, if you do decide to go through with it.

This thread is ten years old!