More Contact with Birth Families

[Arran2024]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3vl5w3zy2eo

I think I contributed to this - I definitely commented on proposals around contact as part of a research study recently. I said then that I thought they were being naive and I'm sticking to it!

The idea of not upsetting your adoptive parents is just one more difficult part of this.
My adopted at 8, now 20 year old is I think struggling a bit with this.
He last saw dad before Covid, there have been a handful of texts. He is terribly hurt by this and having been disappointed so many times seems to have decided just to get on with life.
Mum is different, he hasn't seen her since he was 4. He has questions but I think he is scared of being disappointed and although we talk about it every few months and I reassure him it's ok, I think there is an element of not wanting to upset me.
At the moment he is happy, at uni, has just been baptised and is busy building his own life on his terms and I doubt either of them cross his mind much. Buy then there are the days that they do.
Who knows how he will feel about it all in the future but he does know that I will support whatever decisions he makes.

This x 10000000. I had contact with my birth father at 49/50 and my mother (who actually had encouraged the DNA test) got offended when he said: "Thanks for looking after her." She was like: "What he means is, 'I'll take it from here!'" Like I was a 6 month old and the old process was being re-opened. I was like: The only person who is going to 'take anything from here' with my life is me!!! Goodness, I couldn't believe it.

I was a grown up managing this and it was excruciating - I cannot imagine the pressure on a young child and I believe it's a minority of birth parents/adoptive parents who could navigate this situation to the extent the child was not aware of all of the conflicting emotions the adults may have around it, none of which have any resolution. Not because they're selfish or ill-intentioned or can't edit themselves but because it's very difficult situation implicitly. There would be much that would have to remain unsaid, but it would still be there, present, in the room with the child, who is already traumatised.

The level of therapy required to support many of these situations would be unbelievable in terms of time and cost. Just - no.

@Torvy raises many good points about the possible complications. It's not just about empathy for the parents, it's that adoptees are by nature people pleasers as a means of self-preservation, often to a degree that is toxic to themselves, but HOW it manifests is not always obvious. I know your children don't seem that way now from what you've said. But it's so fundamental.

There are adoptees who don't feel like I do about BP. There isn't a one size fits all but I do think that letterbox and open access to books and records by aged 18 is a solution that actually sounds like it could be...as good as one might be in this situation?

Ultimately the current system doesn’t work and fails everyone in the process with lost letters, letters not passed on etc so I honestly feel that until contact can be kept consistent AND birth parents show consistency and contact be safe that actually face to face contact could be more detrimental to a child than no contact.

it could also lead to mental health issues and repeat trauma for both child and birth parents by separating them again.

I think the chances that the required resources to support this system would be available is next to nil but also - as I kind of alluded to above - is this really the right emphasis for the lives of the child, the birth parents, and the adoptive family?

Sorry for such a long post but I thought I would weigh in on the perspective of a birth sibling:

For background, I was taken away from BM at 3 and was raised by grandparents with contact with BM 4 times a year (BM has mental health issues). BS were born later and adopted at birth. When I was 15 I started letterbox - three families never replied, one family sent a letter once, and the other family were amazing and sent letters every year. The last BS and I have now met in person a few times arranged by his mum and it's been really amazing for both of us.

I definitely feel that there should be a pathway for it because it's been really great for both of us but it definitely needs to be structured. For example, letterbox contact between a child and adoptive parents is weird. At 15, I got letters from my brother's parents - just imagine asking any child to write a letter to someone's parents, it's weird and I had no idea what to write. I also wasn't aware that there were things I shouldn't write because I was just told "you can reply to a letter from your brother's parents" by SW. We also started off on a very uneven footing as his parents knew a lot about me and my family, but I didn't even know their names. For example, when my he told me he knew I liked Arsenal too because it was in his life story book, I didn't know what that was. I definitely think there should sibling version of a life story book, for the children left behind with the birth family explaining why their sibling has gone or giving some basic information about them

I think it is probably time to listen to adoptees about this issue, and also listen to what research says, and good science says. This is something adoptees have been trying to educate adopters about for decades. This is not a whim or a trend.

Well organised contact is absolutely fundamental for the wellbeing of adopted children, other than in a small minority of cases.

If prospective adopters are put off by this, then they would probably not have had what it takes to be good adoptive parents.

The last time I looked at the state of research about this was a few years ago. I am aware of the research done by the University of Norwich. Is anyone aware of any other more recent research they can link?

It is a question of being well informed, well supported, well managed, in relation to direct contact.

I think that letterbox is considered more re-traumatising because it reignites memories without giving any possibility of resolution, for both the child and the biological parent.

For the child, it is so important to know where you have come from, to experience and see it and feel it, and to then have support to help process the loss of what could have been.

For people who are divorcing abusive partners, the same thing applies - the abusive partner has often not parented the way they should, they are likely to be abusive to the child and therefore any sort of residency (I know that that is not the most up to date term) would not work, but contact is still incredibly important for the well being of child, in a safe environment and the child being given support about the loss afterwards.

@littlemisscassandra

I agree with you that if prospective adopters are put off by the idea of contact, it's not a good indicator.
However, as someone whose child was supposed to have direct contact with dad and brother, we also have to recognise the limitations.
I couldn't have done more to facilitate contact with my son's dad. He was invited to our home, to birthday parties, I travelled anywhere that was convenient for him. I tried to build a relationship with an aunt. One time dad asked me if I would take him to a cousins birthday party, on a Sunday afternoon. I went expecting a children's tea party and was confronted with a room full of adult relatives and dozens of children running wild. The adults were all drinking and taking drugs, you could smell the weed half way down the road. Never again.
I was the one who had to deal with the disappointment and hurt of the no shows.
I get that its hard for birth families, but it's not just the adopters fault that contact is difficult and often doesn't work

In relation to your earlier post, it sounds as though you have made huge efforts in relation to direct contact, and I wanted to say well done about that. I think you are right that it can be messy and difficult, and to have third party support would be pretty much essential for most cases. The UK isn't awfully well well funded or competent when it comes to this sort of thing and so I think it is a question of working out what is needed and then lobbying and raising awareness of what the government needs to do. Though sadly the same thing applies for a million other social care and community issues.

I think your last paragraph here about domestic abuse is not right though. If someone without children suffers abuse, a continued relationship with the abuser is not advised. If there are children, however, continued contact of an appropriate nature is expected and seen as essential for the children and the abused partner is expected to manage that and help the children through it.

I was surprised about what you said about the father not getting contact because of the paedophile conviction, because I thought that in divorce situations, there would be some supervised and limited contact with a father who had the same conviction in a divorce situation. I might be wrong though.

I am not sure I said that it was hard for birth families or placed fault on adopters for failed situations in any of my posts? I was mostly talking about the concept of direct contact rather than specific situations? Can you quote me? I can then explain what I meant.

It was paedophilia within the family and he was part of a big ring - we were told he was too dangerous to ever have contact with. Both girls have learning disabilities and are really vulnerable. Maybe otherwise well regulated paedophiles are allowed supervised contact with their children but I think there comes a point where social services are not going to facilitate. The children were placed over 150 miles away btw. It was done for a reason.

@littlemisscassandra
Fault probably not the best choice of words.
Responsibility maybe?
My point is that whilst I absolutely agree that contact with birth family is theoretically beneficial, and that all prospective adopters should go into adoption open to it, there is responsibility on both sides to make it work in a positive way for the child.
I completely understand that my sons dad has his problems, as my son had ASD, I suspect from his behaviours that dad also has ASD. He has mental health issues.
But he has had so much help to facilitate contact, he was picked up by social workers and relatives, I travelled to him. When we met he'd disappear every 10 minutes for a cigarette, he'd turn up with his other child and I'd be left with 2 of them including a child I barely knew. He never gave a thought to feeding these kids, or that they might need a drink. He would barely speak to either of them. And then there were the times when he just didn't show up. He has always had my phone number and email, and home address. Never a birthday card or Christmas present. Nothing, not even now my son is an adult and he has all his contact details.
I'm afraid that after 3 years of giving it my all I'd had enough of the stress, the organising, the facilitating, the look of disappointment on my son's face. So yes I gave up. I should imagine that's how a lot of people who do letterbox feel as well.
Knowing all that would I do it again? Yes I'd certainly give it a go. But years of disappointment and being let down overshadow any theoretical benefits.

as previously mentioned we offered one direct contact a year which the birth parents lost interest in and have not taken advantage of for 6 yrs now.
Anyway last summer a random soc worker rang me to say that they were doing work with birth mum and she was upset at no.updates for years. I explained all emails bouncing back and phone calls not answered or returned so no idea how we were supposed to have arranged contact as no one could contact them . No address for them either.
The upshot was that the soc worker said she would set up traditional letter box once a year instead and would I send an update as soon as it was arranged. .Well I think we all know what I am about to say ! Never heard another thing from the soc worker since. So that was 7 or 8 months ago !
This is what adoptors are dealing with even when we are willing to engage !

I don't think I commented on responsibility either? But in any event, to respond to what you wrote - I think you are conflating three things - the stress of the situation on you and whether or not there is responsibility on the birth parent and the benefit for the child - they are all quite separate issues, and any difficulties with the first two does not remove the benefit for the child. There is no link there. The benefit remains.

So take the three issues separately - the first one first - I understand the stress, and so do many parents in divorce situations as well. It is what it is, and like any parent or acting parent you suck it up.

The second issue - to decide to not continue with the contact because the birth parent is not doing what they need to do is completely misunderstanding the point of the contact. Contact is managed like this for parents who themselves have not coped or have not acted as a parent as they should - therefore the expectation should be at the outset that they will not be responsible. The benefit for the child remains - they will get to see the absent parent, understand them, be helped to process. All of this falls on the competent parent. And I can assure you that many, many divorced competent parents live these difficulties all of their lives. Again, it is what it is. Think about it - if they had been responsible in the first place, their child would not have needed your help.

The third issue is the benefit to the child. It is fundamental in the majority of cases where there has been an absent parent or a parent who has failed in their responsibilities. If managed properly it will be a postiive thing.

So sorry to sound brutal, but you should not have given up just because there was dope at a party and out of control children, in my opinion. And if you want to be the carer of children who have been failed by parents in future, expect difficulties and heartbreak, and make it better for the child you are caring for.

I am afraid that my patience for threads like this has eroded over time, and so I am out now. Good luck to everyone.

you are best ducking out tbh .
You obviously have an axe to grind but being offensive to adoptive parents doing the v best they can for their kids us not the way to do it.

@littlemisscassandra

Also my last response

I'm sorry but no responsible parent would expose their child to one of the things that they were removed from in the first place. In this situation it wasn't just a bit of dope, it was a house full of adults drinking and taking god knows what drugs, not forgetting the dealers.
I did not give up, I stopped facilitating. My door was always open. But you can't facilitate for someone who doesn't show up.
My son has had extensive life story work, done sensitively and with great care, he understands his dad his problems. He has taken the lead on contact since he was 15. He is building his own life, what happens in the future is between him and his dad. He knows I will support whatever he decides, we talk about it often but he 20 now and he isn't rushing off in that direction.

I am so hurt by how social services abused me they put me through the most difficult time of my life I had my children taken away and they were also mistreated whilst in their care my son was pulled out of his mainstream school to which he wet himself I was held up deliberately in a conference meeting in the hollies and during this time they already got my other son who only just being born on respite as he was very poorly social services like to make out they are helping you, in no way on this earth was I ever helped I was traumatised and abused I have 5 children and that was just the 2 boys I have mentioned so far I also have 2 daughters and another son who they also have under there entrapment they are now coming of age but here's the thing dont be fooled your children when they become adults should be able to make decisions and choices themselves wrong mine sadly are not my 25 year old has being silenced and told he can't share certain information with his birth mom that being me so here it all starts again the power trip the controlling over all of us now me and the three adults

Social services are just evil sick twisted people who get paid to legally kidnap your children and abuse them how they want to

They adopted their babies and will always be their one and only mummy and so on and so forth with very little recognition of the fact that for adoptees this may feel more complicated, and we may have (shock, horror) to stray beyond the bounds of having only one mum, and recognise the roles that multiple women can play in a child's life.

Loudly and proudly this Is me.

Their birth "Mum" has never been a Mum. She caused harm in pregnancy, she neglected their older siblings, she's never replied to a contact letter, but fills her social media with scan photos and photos of the presents she bought them as babies.

My 3 allarrived with us at 1 or younger. It would be awful and confusing for them to see her. We talk about their history, they know their story. When they are old enough if they ask to meet the birth "parents" I will look into it.

Right now, they don't know what we look like, they don't know what the kids look like. We changed the names of two of them ( as they had names similar to Thor). My kids can lead normal safe lives. They wouldn't need easily found, they can appear in photos. Birth parents have no idea where or who we are. The children know their story, we talk openly and embrace it but they are not caught between two families.

I also feel that this gives birth families even less motivation to sort themselves out as they know they will still play a role in the kids lives anyway.

This has just come up on my current list (no idea why as I had hidden it!) - if you read all my posts you will see that there are no axes being grinded (!) and I have not been offensive at all, to anyone. Your post is shocking!

What you have said here is all pretty subjective, not in accordance with what research says, or what psychological input says, and goes against what many adult adoptees have said. I am not saying this to be offensive, but to gently suggest that it is worth you looking into this more, doing some proper independent research on all of the many points you have raised to check whether, objectively, your position is the best thing for your dc in every respect, and get advice about the security element to check how much of a risk direct contact would be.

It would be good to hear from adopters who managed direct contact in a positive way and in a way which in the long run was best for the mental health of their dc, I know there are many out there as I have met them!!

Hi Ted, this came up on my current thread list, I am not sure why as I had hidden it, and will hide it again after replying to you.

Just to be clear, I didn't suggest that you took your dc to parties where there was dope. The responsible thing to do in that situation would be to leave!

What I said was that it wasn't a reason to stop facilitating contact completely. So, in your shoes i would have facilitated and managed contact after that differently, to make sure it was beneficial.

Adopters are not therapists or social workers. They are already dealing with the ongoing effects of the early trauma inflicted on the children by their birth parents - contact is often incredibly destabilising and it is the adopters who are left picking up the pieces. Imo it is a nice idea in theory to have contact but the reality is something else.

My girls were scared of their birth parents. It isn't always best interests to have contact.

They are in their late 20s now and birth mother has never wanted to meet them. She doesn't see her other children, who went into long term foster care, either. Her choice. Girls have no wish to see her.

I was talking to a psychologist fairly recently (she is a parent, we were talking at the side of dc football practice) and she said that if parents were able and willing, they were by some distance the best people to be "therapists" for their dc as they know them best and are with them more than anyone else, in case this interests you.

I don't think adopters should ignore what psychologists and a large group of adult adoptees are saying. I know adoptees into their 50s and what they say now is very different from what they were saying in their 20s and very different from what they said as children.

It is an imperfect situation as there is so little useful practical support, and obviously there is no "one size fits all" (and your situation sounds tough, as if the dc did ever want to see her it sounds as though that isn't an option, which sounds as though it would be incredibly hurtful) but for the vast majority of adopted children, having well managed regular direct contact normalised is going to be the ideal, I believe. At some point this will be researched well enough to convince even the toughest, I am sure.

No it isn't easy - and it is destabilising in the immediate aftermath - but in terms of the long term it is necessary if it is possible, and by possibly I mean objectively possible.

@flapjackfairy I have just realised what you meant by axe to grind. For full disclosure, not I am not a "birth parent", and none of my dc are adopted, by me or anyone else. I am also not against adoption, just slightly wearied by some of the diehard posters.

I am really out now! Good luck to everyone.