What do you wish you had known before adopting?

[Row23]

We have started looking into adoption, had a brief phone call with the adoption service locally who seemed very positive and said we’d get an invite to an information session. So we’re looking forward to that.
We know the whole process can take a long time and that everything about you is questioned and checked etc.
So what do you wish you’d known before starting the process of adoption that we can now take into account?

That your children will be amazing but that if they have any HINT of additional needs (which they will have) you will be treated as a complete imbecile who has definitely caused this issue.
That there is no obligation to actually educate your child and all the guff you get about Virtual School, post adoption support, and other help is total fantasy. Schools will lower their expectations to zero when they find out your child is FLAC.

That issues that caused your child to be placed for adoption (e.g. substance exposure, parents' mental health or neurodiverse issues that are inherited) will be seen as NOTHING to do with adoption and therefore nothing that PAS will deal with.
That birth parents are not the enemy. They are extremely unlikely to be "after" your child and your child's best interests are served by having as much contact with their birth family as is possible. You don't need someone to facilitate this. It's not rocket science. Get their phone number and give them yours. If you think they might be a bit flaky on suitable times to call, set up a voicemail number you never change (because they will lose their phone). Unless they actively refuse to see you or are abusive (to you/to the DCs when they are with you), treat them like your dreadful ex who nevertheless wants to see his children - supervised contact, video calls, or supervised phone calls.

Your child WILL be finding them when they are a teenager, don't be under any illusions, so better they have met them before, with you. Preferably enough times for them to understand birth mum is not a princess and doesn't live in a castle and is not all that reliable, and for them to realise you are on the side of them knowing about their roots and are happy for them to meet birth family - that way they won't either do it online aged 14 or in person aged 18 with no support from you.

Oh and:
from thinking about being parents - when we got married - to our DS being placed, he was an infant - was 8 years. We were actively thinking about adoption for about 6 of those.
the paperwork is really not much compared to having a child with SEN, applying for an EHCP, DLA etc., except in those you have to emphasise what a difficult life your child has. Adopting is much more about what a great family you'd make, so is a lot more positive.

@Cosmos24 yes 4 months first time and 11 months second time. Like others have so rightly said there is no possible way of knowing timelines and you have heard two accounts on here of a uniquely fast and efficient situation and a uniquely long and turbulent one. Most fall in the middle of the two. However, there are things you can possible do to get your ducks in a row before applying which might help such as ensuring significant childcare experience, attending courses and reading everything and anything, lining up and speaking to all your references about what to expect, encouraging your support network to attend online events, getting finances and household things in order and having a plan in place for how you will cover leave and possible reduction of hours upon return to work. Many threads on here are full of great advice on what people did to prepare prior to applying x

My experience is a lot like @drspouse in terms of the paperwork etc for adoption is NOTHING like the paperwork for school.

My advice is trust nothing, and no one- question question question.

Read the CPR, and look through with a fine tooth comb. Mum used drugs but gave up when pregnant? Find out exactly how many weeks she was when she said that, was their screening at birth, any alcohol? Don't take any vague answers, you need specifics. Were parents in mainstream school throughout childhood? Any SEN at all?

Read the CPR and imagine it's you, and that everything that could be spun against you ever, has been. Imagine you were dealing with shifting sands of expectation, instructions that differed between staff, all sorts of different and conflicting advice, being treated as the enemy, imagine how that might actually explain some birth parent behaviour. Because after years of dealing with the authorities trying to get education and support for my LOs, dealing with gaslighting, lies, little power trips, sheer incompetence, and underfunding... I can totally see why BD stormed out of a meeting telling them all to fuck themselves. I have been close.

Honestly, approval is the easy part. Matching is hard, and you need to be utterly ruthless about what you can manage, and not fall in love.

Then you fall in love.

And you'll walk through anything for them.

But be aware dealing with the local authority might be like trying to make sense of the clouds.

If you can, get everything in a post adoption support plan. Those I know who have done better than us either adopted an older child, with more 'known' and obvious needs that could be planned for and support sorted pre order, or have been 'fussy' and not considered even a whiff of alcohol, drugs, SEN etc. You still get trauma, of course.

Of course, the child is worth it. But if you can question question question, and trust nothing that isn't written in a support plan, you'll be in a better position than most.

I’m a single adopter close to the end of stage 1 and I’m feeling really judged by the social workers, I feel like I was so confident about it and they are making me feel like I can’t do it. They’ve just told me I should take a year off work after the match, which I don’t agree with… I’m planning on a 2/3 year old. I’m a child therapist with a stable life but need to work. I constantly feel like they are testing me

Hi @Fairy10glitter

You would probably be better starting your own thread but I will reply here.

Yes they are testing you, as they should. It's their job to make sure that the right people get approved as adopters. Adoption is a tough gig, particularly for single adopters. I'm a single adopter. You need to be sure that it is right for you, and they need to be sure.
The year off is a pretty standard requirement. Some people find they don't need it. Many people do.
I adopted an 8 year old, had 13 months off and would have liked another 6.
If you are only in stage 1 you have a long way to go yet. Why don't you agree with the idea of a year off. What if you can't go back full time ?

As Ted says, they are judging you. The whole thing - training days, home study, workbooks or homework - it's all part of an assessment process. It's invasive, it's challenging and at times it is exceedingly frustrating. (And that is all part of the assessment too!)

I am a single adopter also. I had one year off planned but when we were 6 months or so into placement, social services asked me to take another year. It was much needed.

Maybe it would be helpful to question/challenge yourself with what it is about a year off that you don't agree with? Is it the time out from your career? Is it that you don't think it is necessary for a single parent who will possibly be quicker to form a bond with? Is it because you are worried about finances? Is it that, right now, it is all so theoretical that you can't imagine what it will be like (this was the case for me).

If you can isolate what your objection is, maybe it will help you have a conversation with your assessing social worker to work through it.

If you are a child therapist then presumably you know about attachment so it seems strange that you don't think you need the year off tbh. Adopted children tend to have many issues that need careful handling. If you are not there, who will be?

I was told by social services to put my girls into a morning nursery three times a week. Even during that small window, my younger daughter decided to attach to her nursery teacher and not to me. It took us ages to sort it all out.

I will agree with the above. some people are lucky and can take 7-8 months off. I planned for a year, when it became evident that was not going to happen, took 18 months but then got told work couldn't accommodate part time and ended up with 2 very necessary years.

There's loads of stuff that only starts getting difficult a year or so in. Services melt away, your support networks change and you exit the honeymoon phase if there ever was one.

The needs of an adopted 2-3 year old are not such that a nursery provision can really suitably meet them in any meaningful capacity for a extended period of time. My littlest 3.5 year old went to 30 hours just before summer, he's been with us for nearly 2 full years and it was an absolute killer. He was being thrown out and all sorts, had to be collected early, go to a million doctors appointments, came home completely exhausted by the end. Had I been working for that transition period, it would have been awful.

We put our littlest into nursery for 15 hours 4 months after placement, but that specifically to allow me to bond with our eldest on his own and to start the EHCP process rolling. It had a clear outcome and a certain purpose, and even them the costs were only just below the benefits, given that he was handed for 3 hours a day into non specialist care with people who did all the things we had said we wouldn't do- weird attitudes about food, told stories that didnt have any nuance about Santa, have elf on the shelf monitoring behaviour, sticker charts and behaviour rewards. And this was one of the better and more open minded nurseries we found. He found it hard to transition between everything, and it caused us a lot of anxiety later on because there was so much settling and shifting.

I suspect that for the age group you are hoping to adopt, social workers will want you to be very clear about the amount of time you are expecting them to cope in nursery so early on in placement.

When you say you need to work, is that financially or mentally? Either one I understand, but could be a difficulty if you are trying to adopt.

@Fairy10glitter My personal view is that the most precious thing you can give to a child is your time and attention.

Obviously each family must do what they feel is best for them and their child.
Some people were astounded that I had my 8 year old back in school after 5 weeks. But he wanted to start making new friends and he needed the routine. And to be honest I needed the break.
I think adopters generally and single adopters in particular don't think enough about self care.
So be went to school and I 'stayed at home' for a year.
But to counter that I used no childcare for a year, from the minute he got home he had my full attention, apart from cooking tea. All house stuff, shopping etc was done when he was at school. For us it gave plenty of time to build our relationship.
Single adoption can be very intense, you do need a break from each other, other trusted adults in their lives and adult interaction for you. All of which work can provide.
But don't underestimate the impact on you. It's just you, day in day out. No one to tag team with, no one to share weekend lie ins. It's all down you and it's tiring. By the end of the first year we had at least established a good routine which meant I could just about function at work. At six months in I was so tired I couldn't have functioned at work if I wanted to.
If finances are a concern maybe you have to review your employment.
I'll also mention benefits. Most adopters are working people who don't claim benefits. It's can be hard them to think about benefits as part of your income
For the first 5 years or so I'd say benefits made up around 40% of my income.
As my son got older I increased my working hours from 0.5 to 0.8 fte and reduced the benefits as we went along.
I've no problem with claiming. I worked from 22 to 47, I figured the state could subsidise me for a few years so I could be the parent he needed me to be.

Just to add, maybe OP should rethink the age group if continuing to work is important. Might be easier with a school age child.

I’m a single adopter close to the end of stage 1 and I’m feeling really judged by the social workers, I feel like I was so confident about it and they are making me feel like I can’t do it.

It’s literally their job to judge whether you have fully considered the needs of children in care and the extent to which you are able to meet those needs. The reality is you may not be able to do it - not everyone can - or you may do really well. They need to explore your capacity and capability fully because they are giving you life long responsibility for an actual child.

On what basis do you disagree that a traumatised child should have their new parents fullest attention for the first year of placement.

I couldn't agree more. I had a failed adoption at the start of lockdown. It failed a 2/3 days into intros. I wasn't innocent by any stretch of the imagination, after wanting to be a mum my whole life, and finding the 'perfect' match, I suddenly experienced extreme anxiety during intros (not helped by the fact that it was lock down, I was a single adopter and was not allowed to take any support (because of lock down)).

However, I found the social workers despicable. They f**ked it up massively and decided it couldn't go ahead (way to long a story to go into here but found out afterwards that lies etc had been told).

They just clamped down on me. I was in such a state at the time that I couldn't see straight but, in hindsight, looking back who the f**k wouldn't experience some anxiety in those circumstances? Don't 'birth' mothers experience post natal depression etc (despite desperately wanting to be a child?)

One of the most horrendous experience of my life. There was a kind of acknowledgement of a slight 'f**k up' afterwards but it was too late. I will never forgive them

Me and my husband are in the process of adopting.
We took just under a year to panel.in the UK. You have panel to be approved to adopt solo or siblings. Then you look on a website and search for your child. ( This is time consuming and very hard and emotional) . You send your interest in the child and wait and wait. The social worker who is attracted to you contacts their social worker. Our child was with council social worker and we were a different agency. You get some information, hen you have a meeting with their social worker and yours. If they think the match is good you have another meeting. Our was hours long and a lot of people interested in us. Then we waited for panel. Get approved then wait for confirmation then send a welcome book. So they get introduced to you then calls, then spend 2 weeks with them. Then they move in with you our proces is 2 years and counting