Special Guardianship orders

[Ted27]

@Glenlivet

have you actually read the circumstances in which SGOs are made.
If you read the below SGOs are applicable where there is an existing relationship or connection with a child. This is not the case for the people coming to this board seeking advice about adoption.

https://www.gov.uk/apply-special-guardian/apply

@Junedog

Posted too soon

My son can call me what he wants. He chooses to call me mum

Of course I and many other adult adoptees I know have thought about how it would have felt to be marked out with our birth surname, not our adoptive family's surname! We have no choice these questions are inevitably ones were faced with, normally to answer painfully alone. As an adult connected to many other adult adoptees nationally in the UK and internationally, I can simply tell you that as adult adoptees we all come to realise that any upset and trauma associated with the TRUTH of our situation is in the end less harmful than any pretence.

@Junedog But who is pretending? We absolutely acknowledge we are adoptive parents and our DC also have a birth family. (It's not a legal lie like GRCs).

The fundamentals of adoption have not changed. The way we talk about it in society has certainly not and it is still marketed as a solution for infertility.

A lot of the arguments in favour of adoption in this thread seem to be that it gets the most funding and support, and therefore provides the most stability. IMO that is an argument for funding SGOs better and making THEM the default. If we are really putting the children at the heart of this.

This is my first time posting on any platform but as an adopter I have followed these boards for many years and wanted to share my own experiences mainly on my own childhood.

For disclosure I have two adopted children and I echo what adopters say that in no way would I want to hide either child's birth history and encourage discussions in an age appropriate way where possible. We have life story books birth certificates and even red books (containing previous medical history) readily available for when either child requires more information.

My own pain in hearing adoptees stories is how they echo mine, but in the opposite way as my own trauma is that of remaining in the care of my biological parents.

Its difficult for me to put into words as this is the first time I have reached out to offer my support (I hope it reads that way), but for me even as an adult I remember in early childhood how I craved what my peers had and that was to have a sense of belonging. I realise I remained with the biological family but they were not able to provide a loving or stable home due to there mental health and alcohol problems and this continues to leave me with a void. I even question my identity as they cannot understand why I have not followed their path in life and carry little to no traits of theirs.

Without going into to much detail about the ins and outs of the abuse as that I guess is a different thread the crux for me as a child and even in early adulthood was the stigma of being 'that kid'. Friendships were difficult as I was not cared for practically and so children and there parents distanced themselves and teachers ignored the fact that something was not quite right about my situation. Even as an adult I cannot talk about what happened or the fact that in social situations I am looked upon differently because I do not have parents to look upon when times are hard. Filling in medical forms is also difficult as although I have all my medical information I am unable to confirm if X runs in the family as most of my parents medical problems are likely down to self medication, yet I am judged or frowned upon due to there own habits. One thing that resonates with me is when I adopted my eldest it was assumed I would have my mothers mental health problems just because she was my mum and I had to fight tooth and nail to prove otherwise, even though I have shown no traits of such disorder and do not live a chaotic life (lived with husband since I was 19).

I hope I have explained this well as I guess everyone is different and so adoption or SGO's should be on a case by case basis and maybe sometimes the system gets that wrong (nothing is perfect). However neither the adopter or adoptee should feel shame or sadness on how they feel as its their emotion and life experience that has led them to the path they are on today. I really hope that any adoptee who reads this finds comfort in knowing that its not just adoptees that feel differently because of there early traumas as living in the abuse of my parents has left different yet similar scars.

My thoughts are with you all who are suffering during your difficult time.

I think part of the problem here is that we are coming from two very different sets of adopter experiences.
People who were adopted in the 50/60/70s when attitudes to unmarried teenage mums were very different, women and girls who wanted to keep their babies but were not allowed to, when adoptions were kept secret, when adopters would not have been put through the same processes that they are now
Adoptions now arise because something has gone seriously wrong in the birth family where children might experience years of neglect and abuse.
On his mum's side my son is the third generation of his birth family to have gone through the care system. I think his mum was failed by the system and probably never stood much of a chance of being able to care for her own children.
As an adopter that's not my fault, all I can do is give him the opportunities, the stability, the skills to break that cycle.

You note I refer to her as mum, I fully acknowledge that, after several changes on his part its what we call her when talking about his past. But he also now has another mum, me.

My mum had a friend who was adopted in the late 1940s. She was brought up by two women who she called Aunty P and Aunty M. When she first heard my son call me mum she took me aside and said how happy she was to hear that. Because in all her 70 odd years she never had anyone to call mum.
I told this story to my best friend who was brought up by grandparents and a brood of aunties and uncles because both her parents died before she was 4. She told me how much she identified with that because she never had anyway to call mum and dad.
One of my greatest sadnesses about my son's brother's situation is that he too has never in his life had someone to call mum.
So please don't say to me that my relationship with my son is built on pretence or that I don't get adoption trauma.
I'm the one who has walked beside him for 11 years, I'm the one who earned his trust and his love. We all know who we are, who gave birth to who. We don't ignore it or pretend anything.
But I earned the name mum.

A lot of the arguments in favour of adoption in this thread seem to be that it gets the most funding and support, and therefore provides the most stability.

If you knew anything about modern adoption you’d know there is precious little funding or support. If you’re looking at funding and support permanent foster care would offer considerably more financial support and support services, but research shows that permanent foster care often isn’t the best for most children who can’t live with their family of origin.

You can’t know that an SGO would have prevented the issues and feeling you have now, it might have saved you a sense of disconnection for example, but would also raise different issues. It’s very hard when you know there are wounds that can’t be easily healed, it’s natural to look for alternatives that seem less harmful from where you stand now.

To me, the stability comes not from the funding & support, but from the permanence. My DC know (as much as any child can know) that we will be there for them 'forever'. Not just until they turn 18. By adopting them we have made that commitment. It is one I take seriously.

When my youngest was a baby I made friends online with a local new mum, she wasn't really my kind of person but she had a baby and had been given an SGO of a child who she was related to and she'd never met.
He would have been adopted by his foster carer had she not agreed to the SGO.
Anyway she was struggling to bond with him, treated him awfully if I'm honest.
He ended up staying with my DP and I for 4 nights a week for months. I didn't realise then I was fucking the poor baby up, I just thought he was settled with us and I was giving an overwhelmed new mum a break.
Her "d"h (absolute arsehole) stopped him coming to us because he said he was being spoilt by sitting on our knees etc.
This woman met me twice and asked me to mind her DN overnight and it just snowballed.
Her DH was abusive, she was absolutely... self involved and loved being told "what a good thing you've done", actually what she did was stop him being with a family who truly loved him.
My DP had to pick up the pieces of my heartbreak when he stopped seeing us, I missed him but I felt so guilty I was just another woman who he must have felt abandoned by and I've never gotten over it, doubt I will.
SGO's are abused, why family members who have no rapport with a child are given is beyond me.
I've a few friends who've got SGOs from friends kids and they're doing amazing, but they had a rapport with to start, I think just getting in touch with a family that doesn't know the child, making them feel "well they'll go to strangers" is absolute shit.
I say this as a birth mother, I've no family I want to have my children should my DP and I die.
We actually have friends in place who'd inherit out home and life insurance and they're happy to be in our will to be that person.
But if we didn't have this person I'd rather my children had a wonderful mother like @Ted27 who is one of the kindest and most compassionate parents I've ever spoken to, than people who I know wouldn't give my DC the love and support they need, just because they're blood relatives.

My son has two families and he knows all about birth of them. This includes two mums. One mum gave birth to him and did not care for him, keep him safe. She will always be his birth mum. The other mum is me. The one who has legally become his mum and who is caring for him and keeping him safe. I am not pretending to be his mum, neither am I pretending he doesn't have a birth mum.

My son had the choice of what he wanted to be called. He said he wanted to keep his first and middle name. But that he wanted another middle name given by me and he wanted to have my last name. My son told that to his SW and his previous FC's.

I know an SGO family. The Special Guardians, children, and the parents plus the siblings, cousin's etc are all over the place. It is carnage... everyone arguing about everything, parents being very overbearing and demanding more visitation. The Special Guardians (grandparents) should be enjoying their retirement but have aged 10 years in a year. The children are a complete mess, living in one house but going to/from two weekly Contact with mum and their different dads. The children spend most of their time in violent meltdowns because they are so traumatised by the inconsistency, moving around and chaos.

The kids have had no Life Story and wont get any. The parents are blocking the Special Guardians on this and refuse to allow them to tell the children why they dont live with the parents.

I can see the SGO breaking down soon and then where will that leave the kids ??? The family get no Support as the SW's ran off as soon as the SGO was granted. There is not an SGO Support Team.

I know of a number of children who have been adopted after failed SGO's.

There is no one solution to fit everyone. Each child's situation is unique. I firmly believe that there is a place for LTF, SGO and Adoption.

I have never for one moment felt that either myself or any Adopters that frequent this board have ever denied their children their identity or history. In fact completely the opposite.

I have never come across a more proactive woman than @Ted27 . She has fought and fought for her son's cultural and familial identity esp to maintain Contact. And is now going to be a FC. All the Adopters on this board are doing everything they can for their children's identity and promoting the appropriate Contact with birth family.

Sometimes people find things so difficult that they are entrenched in their own opinions and have no ability to listen to others.

I am one of my son's two mums. I am doing everything I can for him. I am trying to get direct contact with his birth dad. How is that denying my son his identity or keeping him locked away.

Those of you advocating for SGO’s/legal guardians to replace adoption, can I ask how you envisage it working? Eg:

How would the child refer to their guardian?

What kind of commitment would be reasonable to expect from the guardian? if things get tough/the guardians circs change, could they just hand the child back back?

Would the guardians be paid?

If birth family situation improves, would the child return to them? DD was placed with me at a day old, 8 years in there is no sign of any improvement in her birth family’s circumstances (in fact more siblings have been born and adopted). Should DD live in limbo in the hope that one day her birth family may be able to care for her? If that happened, which of her many siblings should go back? Should her birth family choose?

Where are all the guardians waiting to step into this role? Have you considered becoming a guardian? If not, why not?

thanks